The Most Disarming Words To Say in a Fight With a Loved One

There I was again, on yet another 88-minute call late into the night, my voice growing hoarse, my eyelids becoming sore from holding up my weary, tired eyes.

I was running myself in circles. And so was he. But we weren’t running together; we were on our own separate paths to mutual destruction.

. . .

It’s always the same thing, isn’t it? The same triggers with the same loved ones.

Be it a close friend, a mother, a brother, in my case, my long-distance boyfriend, if you have a meaningful connection to someone, odds are you have experienced patterns in certain relationships that trigger pain or fear responses.

Maybe these triggers are scar tissue from things they’ve done in the past, maybe the scar tissue is from things someone else has done, but the behavior displayed is a trigger of pain, nonetheless.

In the case of my boyfriend; his display of emotional unavailability was a fear trigger for me, which caused me to lash out. After all, if he couldn’t be open with his feelings, then he must’ve had something to hide, and what he was hiding could inevitably be used to hurt me.

Best to get the jump on him and hurt him first.

And so it goes; I start reciting a script and he recites his in tandem, both of us doing our best to preserve ourselves while we tear our relationship to pieces.

We know in the heat of the moment, we all tell ourselves it is not our duty to concede the other person may be right about anything. It’s their job to defend their point of view, and our job to defend ours. So we continue in the same argument, over and over. The endless berating, the terrible feelings, the loss of another night, a day stolen before it’s even begun.

But recently, I’ve tried saying a few words that have had the power to totally change the mood and tone of the entire conversation, and pull myself out of the destructive patterns fear and pain can so easily trap us in:

“you’re right.”

Before any fighters in the room go getting defensive about the humbling statement, maybe we should all lay down our swords for a moment to consider: what are the odds that your partner, family member, loved one, is right about one thing??

Not sarcastically; not begrudgingly. What if they’re just plain right about one simple thing? I gave the benefit of the doubt for us, and this is what I’ve found to hold up time and time again when using “You’re right” genuinely in an argument:

It pulls us out of our combative headspace

For me, I know I’m always reluctant to oblige the notion that someone else might be making a valid point in a fight, and something tells me I’m not alone in that instinct. Fights can get downright unhealthy, fast. Self-preservation becomes a priority quickly, and when I get in that mindset, the last thing I want to do is admit this person is right about anything.

This might be why the words “you’re right” are so effective for pulling us out of a fight-or-flight response. Those words inspire kindness and camaraderie. Your mind knows you don’t say these words to an enemy. It puts us into a headspace of collaboration and teamwork.

It’s easier to get into listening mode

The biggest difference I have noticed through using “You’re right” in arguments, is my overall willingness to listen.

When I mutter those magic words, in the quiet space within somewhere, there’s a still small voice beckoning amidst the haze of past trauma and knee-jerk reactionary statements to lean into what the other person is saying with sincerity and not just to pick up their own words and hurl them back at them later.

I start to listen to what they’re saying: Not what I think they’re saying; what they are actually saying. And this can mean all the difference in coming to a compromise or concession with someone I care about.

It allows for a “time out” to recoup

Taking a breath and allowing the space in the chaos to throw a lifeline to the other person is a kindness to ourselves more than anything. “You’re right” sparks a desire to take stock of what’s been said, what we really want, and what the best path forward is as a team. Even we’re just a team temporarily.

I’ve had many a much-needed break in my arguments with loved ones specifically because we entered a new headspace and realized we were downright tired and needed to pick the disagreement back up when our energy would allow for it.

. . .

Maybe the words “you’re right” aren’t a cure-all for every relationship debacle, but if we could start looking for commonalities in opinions and draw attention to what we are both in agreement on, the phrase may yield respite long enough to provide space for a real resolution or reconciliation.

Even if the only thing you can seem to muster the words “you’re right” to is their admittance of being exhausted, allowing the opportunity for vulnerability between the two of you might be met with relief.

When spoken in earnest, these words can pull us from the tiring path to feeling misunderstood and terrible to remind us of the common goal: to discover the best way to proceed in the relationship.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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