The Only Shopping List That Anxiety-Ridden Grocery Store Patrons Need

I don’t know about you, but I hate going to the grocery store. I’m always sweating, looking confused and going down the wrong aisles. I’m equipped with the longest shopping list ever (courtesy of my partner), consisting of the most complex items like pasta sauce with tomato and basil that comes directly from the Napoli province of Italy (did I get that right, baby?).

Navigating the grocery store when you have no idea what you’re doing is infuriating. So, fuck the regular grocery list scrawled on the crumbled up piece of paper in my hand; this is the real grocery list needed to get me through the experience.

1. One hug — I will accept hugs from staff or fellow shoppers.
2. Two pounds of external validation — Am I on the right track?
3. A therapy appointment — Does Costco have on-site psychiatrists?
4. A punching bag — I’ll need to take my anger out on something, right?
5. A glass of wine while I shop — Is drinking and shopping allowed?
6. Actually, give me the entire bottle — And keep them coming, Costco!
7. An afternoon at the spa — Grocery stores need built-in spas for angry, sweating shoppers to cool down
8. A support group — Come on, fellow grocery store patrons! Let’s unite in our mutual anxiety over shopping for groceries.
9. Anti-anxiety medication — Hey, some stores do have pharmacies, right? Someone get me a prescription!
10. The entire shelf of chocolate bars at check-out. Okay, good, so there is some food on this list.

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Previously Published on Medium

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