The podcast Death, Sex & Money recently posted an episode titled “Manhood, Now.” More episodes on the subject are forthcoming, but I wanted to post my reactions to this one, especially since it relates to my latest piece on men’s careers and breadwinning.
WNYC (which produces and broadcasts Death, Sex & Money), in coordination with 538 and SurveyMonkey, surveyed over 1,600 men on a variety of topics related to how men are feeling, and what we’re thinking, in response to #MeToo.
The results are through-provoking. I find it odd, for example, that a majority of men reported not rethinking their on-the-job behavior in light of #MeToo. Really?
As asked, this question isn’t whether men have changed their behavior, but if they’ve even thought about changing their behavior. If fewer than half of men are even considering their behavior towards women in the workplace, that says a lot (and none of it good) about the callousness and cluelessness of men in the workplace.
This means men are either not paying attention to what #MeToo is and is about, or, worse, they are paying attention and can’t be bothered enough to internalize it and think about its significance on their colleagues, friends and loved ones.
It’s beyond me how so many men can say they have not considered how what they do impacts others.
Still, from the podcast itself, what struck me the most was how strongly the perception of “providing” is to men’s conception of what it means to be a man. For generations, providing has been the role of men: to take care of their families by securing the resources needed to support the brood. A home, food for the table, health insurance, perhaps tasks around the house, an education, transportation…whatever is needed.
And while I do not have a family of own, I can’t deny that if I did, I’d feel that sense of responsibility to provide pretty strongly. And I think I would, in fact, not just take that responsibility seriously, but view it as an extension of my role as a husband/partner and definitely as a father. Right or wrong, I would be highly motivated to, as a man, provide for my family, and if for whatever reason I feel short, not only would this give me a feeling of failure (or at least insecurity), it would detract from my confidence and sense of identity as a man.
Acknowledging that, perhaps it’s worth me rethinking what I wrote about men feeling less manly when they make less money and are not as able to provide as their partner. If that providing is so intrinsically tied to and associated with masculinity, it’s not difficult to see where feelings of inferiority could arise when the man is not the primary provider.
Still, as natural as those feelings may be (or rather, as much as they may be an extension or continuation of social expectations that may or may not be relevant today) I will maintain that providing financial security is still not enough. All of the things that go into making a relationship sustainable, meaningful and enjoyable still apply. That goes way beyond a paycheck. It covers the ground I’ve already tread on emotional labor. It also means, generally, being a real, true, committed and passionate partner.
That said, it’s worth noting, especially in America today, that supporting yourself — and others — is not an easy task and shouldn’t be taken for granted.
I have to recognize here my own sense of privilege. I grew up in a world of financial security; my college education was paid for before I even started high school. And while I’ve put in the work of maintaining a career and supporting myself, any obstacles I’ve had to overcome to get to this point pale in comparison to those of some of the men featured in the Death, Sex & Money podcast.
For some of those men, getting to the point of providing for their family, of supporting a home, is no mere accomplishment. It is a symbol of their adulthood and their fulfillment of their masculine responsibility.
I respect that tremendously.
I’ve known men that have done a better job than I could do at providing for their families. I respect them too. A lot.
I also know men who have done jackshit to support their family, and I actively disrespect them. It’s not just about money — it’s about decision making, about presence, about being responsible.
So I can see and understand where men would take great pride in providing, and could feel close to threatened if their spouse does it better than they do. When that arises, as I explored last week, how is the man to feel about his role and contribution to the relationship? Whatever that is, it’s up to the man to come to terms with those feelings, and not up to his partner to make him feel better about his own insecurities and sense of self-worth.
Another thing that stood out for me from the survey data was this nugget: 60% of men agreed that society puts pressure on men in a way that is unhealthy or bad. Younger men (up to age 34) came to close to agreeing with that statement 70% of the time.
I imagine that breadwinning and professional success drives a lot of that pressure. I would also guess that pressure to marry, or cohabitate, or have lots of great sex is part of that pressure too. The survey doesn’t say, but it’s clear that men are feeling confused about what society expects of us.
I’ve been critical of men in my writing. Hell, I opened this piece not fully understanding how any man, much less more than half of all men, can continue to drag themself into an office every day and not even consider how hisbehavior there might affect their female colleagues.
But I can sympathize with men who feel this pressure, and, really, more than the pressure, the continually shifting definition of what it means to be a “good man” today. Whether from external pressures or internal expectations, men of all ages are struggling to find role models, and really struggling to understand how our roles at the office, in society and at home are evolving.
That’s a big part of what drove me to begin these writings. What we know is that societally, culturally, men have a long, long way to go to improve.
But making that tangible is going to take work. For those of us who truly want to do and to be better, this is a road without a map. This confusion creates a vacuum that can be filled by some not-so-great influences (like this dirtbag).
Men are looking for answers and for guides. What they find matters, because there is no guarantee (as we see from our so called leaders in Washington) that this will end well.
And this is why I think it’s so critical for men to be involved — more involved than they have been, at least publicly — in helping each other figure this out.
If 60% feel that society is placing undo pressure and expectations on us, then we can work to try and change that. At minimum, we can talk about what those pressures and expectations are, and what we can do in our lives to deal with them.
But we have to be honest. We have to be willing to share. We have to be willing to change. The great thing about this current moment is that our culture feels as if it’s up for grabs.
It’s a bit depressing to hear womens’ stories from #MeToo…and then hear more than half of all men feel that society places undue pressure on us.
If the status quo isn’t good enough, and it clearly isn’t, we must all take responsibility in trying to change what we can in ourselves to improve.
What exactly does that mean? What does it mean to be a good man?
There are many answers, but here’s one: it means being able to get comfortable in your own skin that the life you are leading is the one you want, that represents your values, your goals, your priorities. Hopefully that includes love and respect for others. Hopefully it excludes expectations and pressures that are not your own, but if there are your own, they are a source of motivation, not depression.
Being a man means taking responsibility not just for your life…but how you feel and think about your life. It also means being aware of others besides yourself, so those people can be comfortable in the world that you share and inhabit together.
Have any feedback? I can be reached at scottmgilman @ gmail.com.
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A version of this post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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