And suddenly, it’s there again. The fear that you will be rejected by someone you’d like to get to know better, maybe even build a life together. Like so many times before, there’s a pit in your stomach. It’s this feeling you’re all too familiar with — you instinctively know that this budding romance won’t lead anywhere. And just like that, all of your hopes and dreams of having a future with this person vanish.
Everything is lost. It’s not going to work out.
You’re floored — disappointed and hurt. The worst thing about the whole situation is that you secretly thought this was coming all along. Because, unfortunately, you have a lot of practice at being rejected. And once again, the world around you is suggesting to keep your head up and be all smiles. While this might work for some, you’re asking yourself how you can build yourself up and try again. What’s the point of love if you’re not one of those people who go from one relationship to the next and then eventually meet the love of their life?
Love isn’t fair, and finding love takes time.
It’s easy to hear from people in a happy relationship (whatever that means) that love will happen when you least expect it. Or that you should simply meet as many new people as possible. That being single is only a temporary phase. Whatever your concerns are, you should work on your attitude or outlook on life.
When you long so much for a happy relationship, desperate to meet someone with whom you want to share your life, well-intentioned advice is anything but welcome. It’s not easy to be single; it takes a lot of self-awareness and discipline to organize your social life by yourself. And once you decide it’s time to start dating again, rejection is part of it. You get rejections left, right, and center. Anyone who has never had to face rejection is either lying or delusional. It hurts, frustrates, and it’s saddening.
After being rejected by someone we like, we automatically start to wonder where it all went south. Are there people who are simply not worthy of love? Are we missing signs on dates and don’t understand the signs of flirting? How can we be more attractive to the type of person we’re attracted to? How can we make a great impression on the people we meet? And lastly, why constantly go through the hassle of meeting new people? Since chances are high after trying to be as authentic as possible and getting nowhere with that we just put on our neat little giggly “let’s-go-out-and-have-fun” show. In the end, all of these questions only do one thing. These negative, self-doubting ways drain us.
But how do you stop the negative feelings that have accumulated over time? How do you get away from a negative view of love and romantic relationships? And foremost: how can you fall back in love with yourself so others can see you for who you are and love you for who you are? I am sorry to break it to you, but the first thing you have to do is to stop this self-destructive line of thinking. With what? By giving less fucks I suppose.
Projecting hopes, values, and desires that aren’t real.
The real reason it’s so hard to meet new people (once we’re in a frenzy to hopefully find anyone to share our life with) is that we’re inclined to project our values onto the person we meet.
While we’re maybe not even falling for someone, we make the target of our desire take the lead role of the fairytale we’ve written in our heads. What I mean by that is that we’re too focused on making a dream come true that we’re projecting every single detail of that dream onto someone who’s maybe not even that compatible in real life. Therefore, we’re quick to project our values onto the person we desire. And we forget that the person we’re projecting our beliefs onto may hold opposing opinions or is perhaps a completely different person in real life.
Basically, we are fast to form opinions about others. For example, we may attempt to mold someone into our idealized image of the ideal relationship. Alternatively, we make assumptions depending on what our date has said or done. Furthermore, we utilize secondhand knowledge about someone to determine whether or not there is an attraction.
This is why rejection, although painful, is also beneficial.
For one, it brings us back to reality. It shows us that we’ve been clinging to a made-up story about us being in love and living happily ever after that wasn’t real. After the first shock, remember that rejection forces us to explore other options and, in the long run, helps us to figure out what we really want. Yes, rejection hurts. But a horrible end is better than endless horror.
It is difficult to rewrite what our brain has created for us. But, we can learn who we are, what we want, and where we draw the line. Honestly, there’s nothing more powerful and beautiful than being happy and in love with yourself. So, why not find out what you can do for your happiness? Why does it take another person to do it?
Or, to put it another way, why give another person so much power?
How we view love, and romantic relationships is a rather new concept. Before, love wasn’t the foremost reason to marry someone — it was power, standing within society, and of course, money. It’s not to say that we shouldn’t strive for romance. It’s just to say that the ideal of romantic love portrayed in Hollywood movies might pressure us to strive for love for all the wrong reasons. For instance, why do we consider ourselves “half” or “not complete” if we don’t have a partner? Why do we feel like something is wrong with us simply because we haven’t met someone?
We are giving away so much of our power and expect our partner to make us happy — which, if we think of it, can only end in disaster. Just think, what will happen if your partner decides to end the relationship? Surely it should not be possible to give oneself up for a dream like that and to just hand over the control device for one’s own well-being to another person.
We can’t make someone fall in love.
But we can work on how we feel about ourselves. When we pick ourselves up again after a love adventure that unfortunately ended in heartbreak, we can reflect on what worked and didn’t. Would we behave the same way again in a similar situation? How did we feel about it? Consciously answering these questions takes time, and we should take that time.
So when are we ready to start dating again?
We’re not constantly ready to turn our life upside down — which is what a new romantic love does. However, there are times in our life when we’re more likely to adapt to changes. A lot of it has to do with whether or not we’re ready for a new relationship. A 2019 study found that relationships are 25% less likely to fail when people feel they are ready to commit.
But being ready to commit and being sure about what we want doesn’t mean that we have to be perfectly in tune with ourselves. Nobody is ever completely and flawlessly ready for a relationship. You can’t just expect that people magically forget the many times they faced rejection and pain. However, it’s what makes someone authentic; our biography is part of the truth and beauty of who we are. As a result, relationships may become much deeper and more meaningful with all of that.
Instead of jumping to conclusions about a person we like, why not try to figure out how you feel about the person you’re meeting for the first time. Does this person make you feel safe? Was there interest, maybe even affection? And how easy was it to talk to this person? Did I have a great time and genuinely enjoyed myself?
In the end, flirting is like taking a pill. No one can accurately predict the side effects. — Catherine Deneuve
In the end, dating and finding love is a rollercoaster ride — it’s in many ways thrilling and exciting. Why? Because it’s a ride of uncertainty. Therefore, enjoy while it lasts, don’t pressure yourself into something that doesn’t feel right, accept yourself as the awesome human being you are, and above all, don’t take everything that doesn’t go your way too seriously.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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