The Truth About Gender and Breadwinning

What I’m going to share will be unpopular with those who often appreciate my perspective.

A man’s worth in a relationship tied to his paycheck (in the majority of cases).

I don’t want it to be true. Many of you don’t want it to be true. But it is.

Nearly equal shares of men and women (72% and 71%, respectively) believe that a man needs to be able to provide for his family to be a good husband or partner; yet, only 25% of men and 39% of women believe that women must be financially capable of being a provider.

There isn’t a new generational evolution that decouples money and masculinity, either.

Consider this: women earn the same or much more than their husbands in 45% of marriages.

Yet, in most income brackets, women marry men who earn more. And in 2023, 63% of recently married men earned more than their new brides, and 5% earned around the same income.

Sure, there are outliers to the perspective that men should be breadwinners; some of you who are reading this could very likely be one.

If you’re a female upper-income earner, you are likely an outlier.

This summer, I read the Eli Finkel book, The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work. What crystalized for me is that much of the history of marriage in the United States was rooted in survival, or at best, pragmatism.

Finkel used “Mount Maslow,” based on Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, to make his point.

Finkel explains that there are three major eras of marriage: pragmatic, love-based, and self-expressive. He points out that there has been a dramatic shift in expectations.

“People are increasingly seeking self-actualization in their marriages, expecting their partner to be all things to them.”

The data backs up Finkel’s perspective. When women are thriving economically rather than just surviving, what they look for in a partner changes. They define “provider” in emotional, relational, and logistical terms, not just financial ones.

But breadwinning pressures don’t vanish just because incomes shift—they need to be actively addressed in relationships. There is nuance in conversations about domestic labor and money management.

We can’t say out of one side of our mouths that men need to step up at home and out of the other side of our mouths, punish them for working longer hours outside of the home to compensate for the inherent or implicit pressure from partners of being the breadwinner.

Particularly when they have not been convinced that their role as a provider is more heavily weighted as emotional, relationship, and logistical.

Although a one-off conversation is unlikely to whisk away the assumptions men can make from societal norms, it’s a start. And these three questions are the perfect starting point for a healthier and happier relationship.

What does being a “provider” mean to you?
What do we value most in our partnership?
How can we support each other’s careers and home lives—together?

Are you looking for a professional to help who understands firsthand the pressures of breadwinning, how to let go, and what it means to be a modern day partner?

I am the only Accredited Financial Counselor® and Fair Play® domestic labor specialist. I empower couples with systems to manage money and the home as a team — drawn from decades of national leadership and lived experience.

Click here to apply.

Professional Support

I support couples who want to better manage money or the home as a team in their relationship. I am also available for group coaching events.

I’m the only Certified Financial Therapist™, Accredited Financial Counselor® and Fair Play Facilitator®, empowering high-achieving couples with systems to manage money and the home as a team — drawn from decades of national leadership and lived experience.

Click here for more details about how and when I can support you.

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This post was previously published on Modern Husbands.

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