1. Money
Debt and your job! Money should be discussed at some point when you’re daring. I don’t mean how much they make or anything pretentious. But it should be subtly woven into conversations. Things such as what’s their relationship with money? What does money mean to them? Have they ever been into debt before? What would they do if they were in debt? These are all things that bite people in the arse once they get into a relationship or worse. Sometimes when they’re married. These can all be red flags or even huge recipes for disaster in the long run. Remember when you’re in a relationship you’re doing it for the long game. If that’s the case it’s critical that these conversations are happening.
Their job, to some degree, is something that will continually put money in their pocket. What kind of job do they have? Do THEY LOVE it? What’s their backup plan if they lost it? What skills do they have that are transferrable? Have they ever lost a job before or been fired? How would they respond if they were? How do they handle money issues in the midst of stress and failure? These are all things you need to have a subtle grasp of understanding because trust me. It will have a huge compound effect on so many different facts of your relationship or even marriage in the future.
How did they grow up? With money? Without it? I didn’t realize till I had my 5th relationship how important that money was when it comes to relationships because if one of you were raised rich and the other person poor. This could lead to so many different arguments based on a lack of understanding from both parties. I’m not saying it’s a deal-breaker but there are so many ways of thinking that might differ. This leads to so many misunderstandings and uncomfortable moments if there aren’t honest and open conversations.
I once dated a girl who thought dropping 200 on dinner was a normal thing. But for me growing up in a working-class family this was something that was rarely if ever done, even on special occasions like birthdays. That and some other things surrounding money we could never quite see eye to eye on.
2. Family
If you haven’t met the family and you’re already in a relationship, it’s not the worst thing in the world but it’s a huge misstep. Why because whether you like it or not the family is going to have a huge impact on your life. And they ain’t going NOWHERE. You’ll get to see a bigger reason as to why the person is the way they are. Also, your kids will have them as grandparents. This means if their side of the family has some pretty extreme views you both don’t agree with. You might think you two are solid together so it’s not a big deal.
But when your partner’s parents take the kids for the day don’t be mistaken in thinking those views won’t be rubbed on the kids. Directly or indirectly. In addition to that no matter how hard some people fight it sometimes they end up growing up to be just like their parents. I once was in a 2-year relationship with someone. Her family were not bad people by any stretch but they were the weirdest passive people I have ever met. They didn’t really argue or have in-person disagreements. They all kept things in and were incredibly disingenuous. Like volcanoes holding in all that fire, lava, and ash. I never really understood that way of thinking. This led to her being the same way. She found it so incredibly hard to open up and express how she felt.
Be watchful of the family’s communication styles cause they will rub off into your relationship. You don’t have to be the best of pals with the parentals but you have to at least like them and somewhat enjoy their company. Cause if you marry into the family you’ll be stuck with them for life.
Remember that.
3. Children
I’ll never get short-winded situations ships or moderately long-term relationships where kids are not really discussed. Furthermore when someone decides to pull the rug right from beneath the person and say. “You know what, I don’t want kids anymore”.
Talk about children. Start with the basics. Do both of you want them one day? If so how many? How do you both think a couple should raise a kid? What’s your perfect paradigm of discipline and raising kids. What about religion do you want them to be religious or not? All this and host more things. But it can never be ignored. Because if you both want kids when you raise them together you’ll want to make sure you’re aligned on as many things as possible.
Sure you won’t always agree on everything but most things would be ideal.
Why do they want kids? Oftentimes people will have kids cause they think it’s the societal “right thing” to do, then they end up regretting it and unfortunately their kids suffer and can sometimes end up being worse than their parents. Get deep with the person and figure out why they want kids. That’s critical to know!
4. Sex
What kind? Slow, experimental, frequent, gentle all the above, and is it even good for them?
Sex! It is amazing. It truly is. But there are so many people and relationships that never really discuss what they like. They never really say, “I’m so horny, and here are all the things I want to do to do to you. Here are all the things I want to tease you with, here are my filthiest desires and I want to share them with you.” Sexual needs are harder to explain and ask from someone the longer you hold off that conversation.
I once knew a couple where a guy had a particular thing he liked. But it took him 3 years to tell his partner. WTF!? It’s not easy. Living in this conservative westernized pseudo-Christian purity culture affects all of us even the ones that didn’t go to church. So fess up. Get real with your potential person and tell them how much you want to break the bed together!
I’d love to hear of other things you all think should be discussed before you decided to be fully committed with one person.
Cheers,
-Trey
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Emil Kalibradov on Unsplash