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There’s an ongoing debate when it comes to meeting “The One.” Which camp do you fall into?
1) Is it all about meeting the right person—someone amazing who will remove any lingering doubts and inspire you to get serious?
2) Or is it less about “The One” and more about “The Timing”—meeting a compatible person at the right time in your life?
This week, I get to the heart of the issue with 7 tips that may change your perspective on dating and relationships.
P.S. I’d love it if you left me a note letting me know which tip gave you the biggest “aha” moment. I really enjoy reading your comments each week.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
being ready to not be lonely anymore
00:04
is not the same thing as being ready for
00:08
a relationship
00:12
one of the proverbial questions we have
00:16
in our love lives seems to be this
00:19
debate over whether timing is everything
00:24
or whether meeting the right person is
00:27
everything
00:28
some of us may wonder to ourselves
00:31
will my love life fall into place when i
00:34
meet the right person
00:35
is that when all of a sudden i will find
00:37
myself getting into a serious
00:38
relationship
00:39
and there won’t be any doubt i’ll just
00:41
go for it because it’ll feel right
00:44
others may be wondering is it about me
00:46
getting to a point where i feel ready
00:48
and then when i’m ready it’s about
00:50
finding someone to do
00:52
that with maybe not even the ideal or
00:56
perfect person
00:57
but someone who is appropriate and
01:00
someone who is right for that timing in
01:02
my life
01:03
i personally have
01:07
i suppose over the last few years
01:10
started to take a bit more of a stance
01:13
on this i’m increasingly convinced
01:17
of the importance of timing
01:20
of someone being ready
01:24
as the natural precursor to having
01:27
a real relationship and
01:31
on this channel we talk a lot about
01:35
how do you tell if someone you’re dating
01:37
is ready so that they don’t waste your
01:39
time or lead you on and then break your
01:41
heart
01:42
but i think it’s also a relevant
01:44
question to
01:45
everyone who watches this channel who is
01:48
looking for love or looking for
01:50
something
01:50
let’s call it a relationship to
01:54
ask themselves am i really ready and if
01:57
i am really ready
01:58
am i behaving in a way that someone who
02:02
is really ready for a relationship
02:04
would be
02:08
a male friend of mine described the
02:11
experience of
02:12
of being in most of his 30s as one of
02:16
continuously looking for the ideal
02:19
person
02:19
continuously looking for the person who
02:22
was gonna be
02:23
and have everything the person who in
02:26
his mind
02:27
represented the perfection he was
02:29
looking for
02:30
and one day he had a sobering
02:32
conversation with his own mum
02:35
she said to him he said my mom’s very
02:37
insightful
02:38
and she was hearing me you know she was
02:40
saying what is it
02:41
you actually are looking for and he said
02:43
well i’m you know i’m looking for
02:45
everything
02:45
and she said i
02:49
hate to be the one to break it to you
02:52
but
02:52
you’re not perfect and then she went on
02:56
to describe
02:57
and listen to him all of the ways
03:00
that he wasn’t perfect that he was
03:03
flawed as
03:04
a human being that he wasn’t always easy
03:07
to be
03:07
around that he could be difficult or
03:10
high maintenance
03:11
he said for him it was a sobering moment
03:14
because
03:15
he realized that he was looking for all
03:17
of these things in other in another
03:19
person like he was trying to buy
03:21
the perfect thing off of a shelf
03:24
but not looking at himself and what
03:26
someone would actually have to deal with
03:28
and put up with and live with
03:30
in order to be with him
03:32
[Music]
03:35
when we’re ready i do believe that we
03:38
start to look for the best in people
03:40
instead of looking for all of the
03:41
reasons why they’re wrong
03:43
we start to actually make space for who
03:46
they really are to inquire
03:48
about who they really are not to fall in
03:50
love too quickly because again i think
03:53
falling in love too quickly is a sign
03:55
that we’re not ready for a real
03:56
relationship
03:57
it’s almost like never never liking
04:00
anyone is a sign that we’re not ready
04:02
because it feel it to me that’s a sign
04:04
that we’re not actually making space for
04:05
who anyone actually is and to get to
04:07
know the beauty in people
04:09
but if we fall in love really quickly
04:10
that’s also a sign that we’re not ready
04:12
because we’re
04:13
falling in love with the projection and
04:14
then the moment someone doesn’t fit that
04:16
projection
04:17
which they can’t eventually because
04:19
we’ve just constructed this
04:21
this beautiful image of them that’s not
04:23
real
04:24
then all of a sudden we don’t like them
04:26
anymore we sort of treat people
04:28
romantically how we treat our
04:29
celebrities in today’s culture
04:31
you know we fall in love with our
04:32
favorite celebrity aren’t they wonderful
04:34
i just saw them on this interview
04:35
they’re so charming they’re so
04:36
charismatic
04:37
they were amazing in that movie you know
04:40
we construct
04:41
a projection of them and the moment that
04:43
celebrity deviates from that projection
04:45
or says or does
04:46
something we don’t like they’re the
04:48
devil and they’re cancelled
04:50
we don’t want to know them anymore we
04:51
unfollow them because we were never
04:53
trying to have a real relationship with
04:54
that celebrity in the first
04:56
place we wanted to idealize them
04:59
we wanted to idolize them we wanted to
05:01
worship them
05:02
and when relationships fall into that
05:04
same dynamic it’s no wonder that
05:06
everyone eventually disappoints
05:08
and you know we could take the cynical
05:11
view and say everyone eventually will
05:12
disappoint
05:13
or we could say that everyone eventually
05:16
will prove to have
05:18
many if not all of the same flaws that
05:20
we do
05:21
if we apply you know what brings the
05:23
best out of ourselves
05:25
is someone being curious about us
05:28
someone looking for the best in us and
05:30
elevating the best in us and
05:33
someone soothing some of the worst parts
05:37
of us some of our negative tendencies
05:39
and habits and
05:40
neuroses you know we we often i
05:44
sometimes think the right person is the
05:45
person who elevates our best and soothes
05:47
our worst
05:48
they’re not going to eradicate our worst
05:50
and and it’s not their job to take it
05:51
away but
05:52
they don’t agitate our worst and when
05:55
we’re looking for someone we have to ask
05:57
ourselves
05:58
am i am i really looking for the best in
06:00
people
06:02
am i immediately meeting them with a
06:03
bunch of judgments anytime i hear
06:05
anything about them or am i really
06:07
looking for the beauty am i looking for
06:08
the treasure
06:12
and i do think that as we become more
06:15
ready we start to look for subtler
06:17
qualities
06:18
in people subtle in the sense that they
06:20
don’t immediately announce themselves
06:23
like
06:24
massive charm does or massive charisma
06:27
does or
06:28
any of those things that immediately
06:30
impress us
06:31
or our friends you know i i you know i
06:33
think sometimes one of the great
06:35
tragedies
06:36
of consulting our friends on who we
06:39
should be with
06:40
is that our friends are often dazzled by
06:44
the same things that dazzled us
06:46
you know we introduced this person to
06:47
our friends and they all go oh my god
06:49
they’re really amazing and they’re so
06:51
much fun and they’re so charming and
06:53
they get amped up and excited by the
06:56
same things we did
06:57
and it might be that the person who
06:58
didn’t announce all of their best
07:00
qualities immediately because maybe
07:02
those best qualities are a little more
07:03
subtle maybe it’s a quiet kind of
07:05
intelligence maybe it’s a kind of
07:07
understated kindness
07:08
or maybe it’s the qualities that could
07:10
make this person a wonderful parent down
07:12
the line
07:13
all of those things don’t immediately in
07:16
shining glamorous glitzy fashion
07:18
announce themselves when they meet your
07:20
friends
07:21
and then when faced with the guy who
07:23
maybe has all of these deeper more
07:24
important qualities or
07:26
the guy who’s charming when he walks
07:28
into a room
07:29
their attention goes to the charming
07:31
person oh my god he was great and then
07:33
you get lit up because you buy into the
07:35
same thing
07:36
oh my god he was great wasn’t he and now
07:38
all of a sudden that’s the most exciting
07:39
person
07:40
[Music]
07:43
all of this is about a shift in
07:44
perception of what a relationship
07:47
actually is that a relationship is a
07:50
place we go to give love
07:54
and to construct something with a
07:58
willing teammate not a perfect teammate
08:02
but a willing teammate i think one of
08:05
the sad things about today’s
08:08
it’s an overused cliche now but fast
08:10
food
08:11
dating culture is that
08:15
we don’t create the space to really know
08:17
if someone could be
08:19
that team mate you know we do order
08:22
dates as if we’re ordering food to our
08:25
house
08:26
and we expect you know we pick someone
08:28
from a lineup don’t we i mean that’s
08:29
dating apps these days i’m not even
08:31
knocking dating apps i just think it’s
08:32
they serve a very limited part of the
08:34
process which is
08:36
just access to people easy access to
08:38
people that’s the part
08:40
of this whole thing that dating apps
08:43
solve they don’t solve
08:44
anything else not really there are very
08:47
grandiose
08:48
um claims made by a lot of dating apps
08:52
about how they
08:53
solve parts of the process that go
08:55
beyond the meeting stage
08:57
to get into the matching stage and how
08:59
they’re pairing you with someone great
09:01
and so on and i think a lot of that is
09:02
really overblown and overstated because
09:04
the only way you
09:05
really get to know those things is time
09:09
time spent with each other a little bit
09:12
of time
09:13
invested a little sacrifice a little
09:16
skin in the game
09:18
and that’s often the thing that people
09:20
are unwilling to do
09:21
these days
09:22
[Music]
09:25
you know i met a guy recently here in
09:27
london where i am right now and he said
09:30
matthew i’m uh you know i i saw you
09:32
posted something recently about
09:35
you know people need to love themselves
09:36
more he said i’m dating in london for
09:38
the last few years as a single man
09:40
looking for a relationship
09:41
he said i think the opposite might be
09:43
true i think people might love
09:44
themselves a little too much
09:46
right now and they’re not willing to
09:49
actually
09:50
to actually show up for dating to show
09:53
up for a relationship to give what needs
09:55
to be given
09:57
now although i think that there’s a kind
09:59
of a slight
10:00
misreading there of what i believe true
10:03
self-love to be self-love isn’t
10:05
narcissism self-love is an obsession
10:07
with self
10:08
uh and it’s not selfishness it’s more
10:11
akin to self-compassion
10:13
but i understand the point he’s making
10:16
that in especially in cities where
10:19
people come
10:20
a lot of the time for selfish reasons
10:23
they come to build a career to
10:25
to level up their life to create the
10:28
life
10:28
they always wanted to live a life with
10:32
their friends
10:33
socially that they wanted to live and
10:35
and it can get us
10:36
into quite a selfish state of mind
10:39
without ever realizing it all of a
10:41
sudden
10:42
we think we’re looking for a
10:44
relationship but really what we’re
10:46
looking to do is just meet another need
10:48
of ours
10:49
now in addition to where i live and my
10:52
social life and my career and these
10:54
things that are building
10:55
i also need to fill the relationship
10:58
category being ready to not be
11:02
lonely anymore is not the same thing
11:06
as being ready for a relationship
11:09
those are two very different things in
11:12
life and a lot of people
11:14
who think they are ready for a
11:16
relationship
11:17
are really just ready to not be on their
11:20
own
11:21
they’re really just ready to not be
11:23
lonely i’m ready
11:25
to not feel this discomfort anymore of
11:28
being on my own
11:30
that’s what they mean they don’t
11:31
necessarily mean they’re ready for a
11:33
relationship because that comes with
11:34
certain sacrifices they may not be
11:36
willing to make and some of those
11:38
sacrifices is just
11:39
going on a date and getting to know
11:41
someone actually spending a bit of time
11:43
with someone
11:44
matt i don’t want to go on any dates i
11:45
don’t want to get on the phone with some
11:47
i don’t
11:47
then maybe you don’t want a relationship
11:50
maybe you’re not ready for a
11:51
relationship because what all i hear is
11:55
what i want is to have someone delivered
11:58
to my door
12:00
relationship ready and to walk into that
12:02
situation but a relationship
12:04
isn’t deliveroo if you’re in england
12:08
or postmates if you’re in america
12:11
incidentally
12:12
postmates sounds a lot like a dating app
12:14
it sounds more like a dating app
12:15
than it does a food app dating is really
12:19
like cooking a meal that turns into a
12:21
relationship it’s more akin to cooking a
12:23
meal than ordering food
12:26
and that’s where i think the fast food
12:27
analogy for dating does work
12:29
because i think a lot of people these
12:30
days are just not willing
12:33
to actually make the sacrifices that
12:36
lead to a real relationship which don’t
12:38
just involve
12:39
being willing to give someone time
12:43
they also involve being willing to
12:46
create space
12:47
for who someone actually is
12:50
to see that person as they are
12:55
and if we can if it’s possible
12:58
with who they are to not constantly cast
13:02
judgment on the worst parts of them
13:04
but to see those parts of them and to
13:07
see the best
13:09
and like i said to elevate the best and
13:12
to
13:13
help to heal some of the worst
13:16
as we hope they will do for us
13:20
that to me is a real relationship
13:24
and i think one of the great treasures
13:28
that we do
13:29
get from making space for who someone
13:31
really is
13:32
is that we become different to that
13:35
person
13:36
than other people because that person
13:39
truly feels seen
13:41
and when someone truly feels seen and
13:43
when we truly feel seen
13:45
it is such an exquisite
13:49
calming beautiful feeling
13:52
that it can actually shine a light on
13:56
all of the benefits and the beauty of
13:58
a real relationship even for someone who
14:00
perhaps
14:02
wasn’t sure that they were ready they
14:04
suddenly start to see what it is to be
14:06
with someone not just who’s
14:08
hot not just who’s you know super
14:11
attractive but they start to see
14:12
what it is to be with someone who truly
14:14
sees them
14:16
and accepts them and and i think that is
14:19
what what could be a bigger gift of a
14:21
real relationship
14:23
than that
14:24
[Music]
14:26
i ask you not from some pedestal but
14:29
from a place of reflection
14:30
for all of us what decisions have you
14:34
been making
14:35
in your love life that suggest that
14:38
despite your
14:40
uh professing of your readiness for a
14:43
relationship
14:44
deep down there’s some part of you
14:46
that’s not really acting ready
14:49
do you choose people that are an
14:52
age that is not appropriate for where
14:54
you’re at in your life and what you want
14:56
do you choose people who are really far
14:59
away
15:00
where the relationship is set to be
15:02
fraught and difficult
15:04
from the beginning do you choose people
15:06
based on superficial qualities or
15:08
qualities that
15:09
may be dazzling in the first six months
15:11
of a relationship
15:12
but are not going to be the important
15:14
ones in year 5 or 10 or 20. have you
15:17
been choosing people that are telling
15:19
you that they’re not ready and you’ve
15:20
been ignoring all of those signs
15:22
direct or indirect if you’re watching
15:25
this with a feeling of confidence that
15:27
you are
15:27
ready for a real relationship but you
15:30
want to know with maybe even a
15:31
particular person in your life right now
15:33
how to move it forward with that person
15:36
i have a video for you a free training
15:38
that is going to give you the language
15:41
around moving that relationship forward
15:43
and communicating your readiness
15:45
in an elegant and confident way all you
15:48
need to do to get that free training
15:50
is go here click the link you can be
15:52
watching it seconds from now
15:55
and as always i will see you next week
16:15
you
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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