This Is What Makes You “Damaged Goods”

I wrote this article:

All Narcissists Give This One Compliment
Warning: what it really means is you’ve just been assessed as a great source of supply

To warn potential victims of the one thing narcissists tend to say when they’ve assessed you as good supply because narcissists usually use one very specific compliment to get this message across.

(This is the reason most of their victims don’t catch on in time.)

Consequently, there’s something I’ve found many narcissists will say to potential victims once they’ve assessed you as a bad source of supply.

And it usually comes across as an insult.

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It All Started With an Insult

In July 2021 a new security company began working for our co-op buildings. This is how I would meet an overt narcissist named Brandon, the security guard assigned to my building.

Not long after initially saying “hello” to each other, Brandon would initiate a conversation and in this conversation, he would bring up the recent death of his grandmother.

Feeling for his loss, I’d bring up the end of my last relationship with my ex Jamel and the circumstances surrounding it, which I highlight here:

This Is the Malignant Narcissist’s Discard Process
Not only do they plan their exit strategies — they usually do a test run first

I mentioned the ways Jamel’s cheating techniques made me wiser and all the red flags it trained me to start looking out for in the men who approach me. This is when Brandon got quiet.

It seemed like the weight of my wisdom was starting to register, and that’s when he said something that not only caught my attention… but caught me off-guard.

He said —

Damn. He messed it up for everybody.

This felt suspiciously off-putting especially because he said it more to himself than he did to me, which was very strange.

He also had a genuine look of annoyance (and even disgust) in his eyes which struck a chord because it wasn’t the kind of annoyance that stems from empathy.

This was the kind of annoyance I’ve only seen in abusers when they realize things aren’t going to pan out the way they expected with their prey.

This was the kind of annoyance narcissists have once they understand that their ulterior motive is pointless because they’ve run into bad supply.

Meaning, they’ve wasted their time.

I’ve had numerous men, specifically narcissists, tell me this.

But this was the first time I was finally hearing these words for what they really were; the most insulting compliment you’ll ever receive from a narcissist.

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I Was Too Experienced at Being Abused

I used to be naive.

At one point, the less-experienced version of me would’ve taken this comment as a form of genuine concern.

I would have seen the annoyance in his eyes as him “caring” enough about me to be mad enough that another man might’ve hurt me so badly that he may have caused irreversible damage.

(I used to be really fucking clueless.)

In fact, I actually would’ve translated his exact phrase into something to the effect of:

Because of what you’ve been through your ability to trust might be too damaged for you to open up and love again. Which will affect your ability to trust me.

(I really used to hear what I wanted to hear.)

I was also gaslit into thinking this was the intended sentiment because this was always the reason given behind the statement, anytime I heard it.

I decided to test my own theory and ask him what he meant and sure enough this would also be Brandon’s reasoning.

And I knew it was a lie because it felt like a lie.

He was way too upset for someone who didn’t know me well enough to care that much. I’m not saying people can’t care,

I’m saying he didn’t.

None of that frustration had anything to do with the impact my trauma had on me. This wasn’t even about me. This was about my growth. Brandon was inadvertently saying that I was “too damaged”.

And this was a good thing.

(A damn good thing coming from a narcissist.)

The wisdom my traumas had given me was costing him the opportunity to abuse me. My growth had not only made me a bad candidate for this narcissist, but it also made me unappealing to him too.

That’s where the disgust came from.

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The Narcissist Is Actually Devaluing Themselves

In a strange twist of reverse psychology (that I don’t think he was even aware of), Brandon was actually admitting that I was above his level.

He was inadvertently noting that I had progressed beyond his level of narcissism, making me too difficult and not worth the hassle of pursuing.

My experience with Jamel made me far too mentally mature for him to manipulate me, and he knew it. This is what was making me such an unappealing target.

This is why I was deemed a bad source of supply.

That one conversation let him know I wasn’t going to be as easy as he had once assumed I’d be because I wasn’t as naive as I appeared.

This is exactly why I knew what he really meant by,

“Damn. He messed it up for everybody.”

Was —

Damn. He ruined it for other men like us because now she’s gonna be too smart to fall for most of my strategies, if any of them at all. Now I’m gonna have to try harder. Now she’s going to be too much work to play because she’s too wise to how this game goes. She knows too much, and it’s his fault. Now, she’s not going to be so easy.

I’m ad-libbing, but the gist goes unchanged.

I wasn’t going to be an easy target.

Nor was I going to be a good one.

I wasn’t worth him waiting it out.

Although most narcissists will wait you out, the overt narcissist is less likely to do so. Remember, they are extremely egotistical.

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The Pathology of the Overt Narcissist

Overt narcissists think you’re lucky to have them so if, for any reason, you become an undesirable candidate for their abuse it is considered your loss.

They’re also the quickest to discard their supply and move on to the next one because overt narcissists need their supply.

And they need it now.

They don’t have time to wait because their inflated sense of self-importance allows them to believe they deserve whatever it is they want when they want it.

They don’t feel like they should have to exercise too much energy to get what they want because what they want is owed to them. This is why they are the least likely to wait around.

And Brandon was no different.

It became clear to him I was wiser than I appeared and was acutely aware of the games he was likely to play because someone else had already played them with me. He knew he would be waiting in vain,

By waiting me out.

What Brandon failed to realize was this

This aspect of his pathology was a devaluation to him because it meant he knew he wasn’t a good enough predator to prey on me.

The malignant would’ve pursued me just for the hell of proving the point that I could be conquered, specifically because I’d seem like an unattainable target.

The covert would’ve pursued me for two reasons:

the aspects that make me unattainable would be an attractive challenge
in that challenge lies a hidden source of supply

A source of supply that the overt would never take, nor make, the time to realize was there. In other words, this flaw in their pathology makes them the laziest of the types.

And the easiest to spot.

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Damaged Goods Are Still Goods

Just because a can is bent doesn’t mean the contents in it aren’t still resourceful, useful, and still worth consuming.

See where I’m going with this?

Your damage only made you too unappealing to be loved… by a narcissist.

As I said earlier, the narcissist uses a compliment to let you know you’ve been selected to be one of their many supply sources.

The fact that this message is hidden in a compliment is why so many victims never realize it until they’re in the heart of the abuse.

In this aspect, that compliment was an insult.

On the other hand, the narcissist insults you to let you know that you’ve been assessed as a bad source of supply.

It may come in the form of being told that your ex/abuser has “messed it (or you) up for everybody”

Being told that you’re:

“damaged” goods/no good
ruined/flawed/jaded
broken

Anything along the lines of the problem being you.

Don’t take this personal.

The entire reason the insult involves devaluing you is that they’re insulted by your strength. The implication of you being “too damaged” is a major compliment.

Not only did you evade abuse but you got the player to play themselves by miscalculating the outcome of overestimating themselves and underestimating you.

As it becomes clear you are above their level of abuse, this causes a narcissistic injury that they have to alleviate by attacking you.

Specifically, your growth.

The particular devaluation technique is for the prey that gets away

It is designed to inflict on you the burden of believing that you are too damaged. The reality is you are too healed.

You will not be a good enough candidate for their systematic abuse. Therefore, these insults are an admission that you are not weak (or naive) enough to be abused by them.

They are accidentally exposing their insults for the compliments they really are but you might not be aware enough to see this “insult” as the compliment it really is. Quite comically, the narcissist doesn’t either.

So if one of them ever tells you that your experience with an abusive partner has, “messed it up for everyone” or made you “damaged goods”, etc., take it as a compliment — because it absolutely is.

You are too healed to be broken.

Congratulations.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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