Last summer as COVID restrictions eased, my wife and I attended an outdoor wedding for a couple whose parents we have known all our lives.
I was expecting a staid affair observing the conventions that families with deep New England roots follow. Not too flashy. A great raw bar. Lots of good wine and cocktails. A buffet dinner, followed by a lot of dancing. All on a slice of land that has miraculously remained in the family for a hundred years or so. These are not the spaces where non-conformists thrive (except for eccentric family members summoned out of exile for the occasion).
Arriving at a sprawling complex on the Cape for a rehearsal dinner, I was excited that our period of isolation was coming to an end. I was not alone. The guests who gathered were flamboyantly dressed. People were ready to loosen up, connect, and party.
I did not anticipate, however, how far that sentiment would play out among the millennial men. They didn’t seem like a demonstrative lot. It was therefore a total surprise when a string of the groom’s friends offered toast after toast about how much his friendship with the groom meant to him, and how grateful he was that his buddy had chosen such a wonderful wife.
I had never heard such public protestations of love from one straight man to another before. The stories that these men shared were astounding. Their reminiscences of gastronomic feasts at home or out, reciprocal couch surfing, wilderness outings, club hopping into the wee hours sent the mind spinning. Their willingness to reveal their strong feelings for one another in front of the patriarchy assembled demonstrated a degree of openness, transparency, and intimacy that prior generations of adult men would have never displayed. One man even joked that he had “shared a bed with the groom more than any other person in his life, with the possible exception of his wife.” People looked at each other askance but laughed. The wedding left me wondering whether this was an aberrant group or an indicator that younger generations were finally rewriting the rules of the Man Box.
A couple weekends ago I had opportunity to dive deeper into this question, when I attended an annual alumni retreat of an all-male a cappella group. Usually, it’s a multi-generational booze-fest that welcomes the new undergrads, but this year with the Delta variant on the rise, Boomers stayed home. I’m glad that I did not, because I was astonished by what I witnessed when 40 men under 30 show up for each other.
When I was admitted to the group 45 years earlier, it was a decidedly straight male ensemble in which bromances existed but were not openly expressed, except in displays of teasing. Under the banter, depending on the year, the group was bedeviled by bullying and micro-aggressions. In 2014, the graduate board instituted a policy that all new members must sign an anti-bullying pledge. Hiking to the top of Mt. Oceola in the pouring rain on this retreat, I was pleased to hear the guys joking that now that they had signed “the pledge”, whatever they did to each other wasn’t bullying. (Evidence once again that humor is the way men process their feelings.)
After our hike, we gathered in a circle to share how being a member of the group had changed our lives. Here’s what the Millennials and Gen Z had to say without Boomers present:
“This is the one space where you are accepted for who you are. It’s okay to express your version of being male, whatever it is.”
“There will be days when you hate some guy’s guts but try to be kind. At the end of the year, you won’t be able to imagine life without him.”
“When you leave school, you will quickly find out who your real friends are. It won’t be your block mates. It will be us.”
“Try not to be hard on each other. Challenging each other is fine. It strengthens us as a group. But bullying is not. Don’t sink into petty bullshit.”
“We will take care of you. Even when you are down and out, we will put you back on your feet.”
“There will be lots of firsts. Don’t give a damn about what others might say. Dive in.”
“Don’t judge. Stay open.”
Talking to the alums in their upper twenties afterwards, I heard stories of the usual heartaches. Long-term relationships that had sadly ended. The trials of going on two or three first dates a week to find a life partner. Learning to cook vegan meals for a girlfriend.
What I did not hear was the usual locker-room, derogatory speech about women. No boasts of their sexual prowess (or aggression) with women (or men). I realize these data points do not mean that such behavior does not occur, but they are promising.
Seeing Millennial men express new forms of masculinity in each other’s company made me realize that all-male spaces might be therapeutic and productive, rather than breeding grounds for a culture of dominance-based masculinity, as is commonly thought. Indeed, men might need safe places where they can be vulnerable, loosen up, share their emotions, develop better communication skills, and try out new behaviors without fear of ridicule or judgement. (At this retreat, men danced with each other on the deck until 5:00 AM, no questions asked).
I understand that women may object. In these settings there is always the risk that men might fall back into the destructive mindsets that are so deeply conditioned into us. I would submit, however, that the outcomes of these spaces are largely positive. Their purpose is not to exclude women or encourage men to think of women as “other.” They are a place where men can develop the capacities to be better partners to the women and men in their lives.
So, three cheers for Millennial Men. Here’s to the healthy ways of being male that they are creating.
Sunday, October 24, 2021 at 3:00 PM “How Man Box Culture is Harming Boys and Men” (Live Zoom event)
Senior Editor Mark Greene and Featured Columnist Mark Grayson will discuss a topic with universal relevance: How our emotionally stoic “man box” culture of masculinity is deeply isolating for men, destroying relationships and causing an epidemic of violence, sexual assault, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and suicide among men. They will also explore the ways in which men are pushing back, creating a healthier, more connected vision of masculine culture and identity.
This livestream/in-person event is free and open to all. Registration details can be found here: Eventbrite
https://tsc_markgreene.eventbrite.com
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Mark Grayson photo: Phil Hall