What we think of as moody in another person might just be a matter of timing and consideration on your part. Greg Dinkin explains.
—
I live with a woman who often walks in the house and ignores me. Many nights, she closes her door and makes it clear she wants nothing to do with the male species. She often reserves the majority of her affection for the cats.
Maybe you know a woman like this. You call her moody, and when you don’t get what you want, the snap reaction is a comment about her menstrual cycle. You complain to your friends that women are unpredictable and impulsive. You also have friends, family and colleagues—some fickle, others volatile—who torture you with their erratic behavior.
With some friends, I used to do a “mood check” before talking. It was a technique grounded in knowing that how a message is received is dependent on the other person’s mood. The problem with that approach was that it labeled some people as “moody” and failed to acknowledge that everyone has different levels of “bandwidth” at different moments. Would you call up Santa Claus on December 24th and say, “Yo, Santa, I could really use a friend today. How does a three-Martini lunch sound?” Would you call your accountant buddy on April 14th and ask her to help you move?
Beyond those extremes, you can determine someone’s capacity to listen if you begin a phone call by asking, “Did I catch you at a bad time?” The last thing you want is to start in on a rant only to be told that your friend’s boss was in the middle of docking his pay for talking on the phone. When you start by asking about the other person’s state, you make things easier for the listener. You will see that some friends can’t focus at work, or home, or in the car, while others are looking to kill time in those places and can give you their full attention.
***
The formula for meeting the right partner is finding the right person and being the right person. Most people focus on the search, the finding, and miss the importance of being the right partner. The frustration that comes from not being received how you want is most likely your own doing. Everyone can seem bitchy when you catch them at the wrong time.
In a relationship, it helps to tell your partner what you want before you speak. You could say, “I could use an empathetic ear” or “I really need you to hear me out for five minutes.” Your partner may say that she just needs to send a work email, go to the bathroom, or grab a cup of coffee, and then can offer her full attention. Of course, you want that full attention, but if you never took the time to do a “bandwidth check,” she may seem moody, bitchy, or disinterested. She’s only being that way because you failed to make sure she was in the right state to receive. By being considerate, you allow people to show up in a way that best suits both of you. It’s why having the awareness to walk in another person’s shoes is the ultimate win-win.
It’s human nature to want people to be there for you. When they don’t, it’s easy to get frustrated and lash out. One of my best friends had been avoiding my calls for months, and I was hurt. The child in me clamored for attention and respect. Fortunately, I had the awareness to see it as a bandwidth issue. When my friend and I finally spoke, he confessed to being overwhelmed with stress. That comment transformed my resentment to a desire to help. Instead of, “Why have you been dogging me?” the question shifted to, “Why are you isolating yourself and what can I do to get you of your rut?”
***
On the romantic front, I know what it’s like to be in the mood and get rejected. As a man with primal desires, I cringe when a woman says those four painful words: “I have a headache.” While it’s natural to pout or complain, it only takes you further away from what you want. When you shift to viewing your partner’s state as a function of bandwidth, you see that it’s not personal. You also understand how this awareness ultimately serves both of you. If she’s stressed, she may seem moody. That’s the time to focus on what’s causing her stress. Make her favorite drink. Offer up your full attention. Rub her shoulders. Then, just as you would use a thermometer, check in with her again.
Three minutes earlier, she couldn’t stand the sight of you. Now she can’t keep her hands off you. Does that mean she’s unpredictable and moody? Or does it mean that she’s open and receptive? Your level of attention will make that determination.
For men and woman alike, our moods can change on a dime. When you show that you are in tune to a how a person is feeling, you can impact those moods. Knowing when to make your move—whether it’s asking for the sale or nibbling on her ear—has little to do with how you are feeling. It has everything to do with the other person’s current state.
We have to constantly practice being the person we want to be in a relationship—no matter if we are single or in a partnership that isn’t working.
|
The woman with whom I live has showed me the importance of measuring bandwidth. She works from home and is in various stages of chaos throughout the day. When she walks in the door, she’s often on a conference call, which is why she can’t talk. Because she knows how to take care of herself, many nights she prefers to be alone to do her practices of self-love and renewal. All I need to do is pay attention and spend a second or two to measure her bandwidth. By doing so, she is never moody or bitchy. Because I have the awareness to check in with her ability to receive, she shows up for me as kind, patient, and fun.
We have to constantly practice being the person we want to be in a relationship—no matter if we are single or in a partnership that isn’t working. The woman with whom I live is not my girlfriend. She is my roommate, and she has given me the gift of showing me the value of a “bandwidth check.” Every day, I get to practice honing my awareness, and I keep seeing the best of her.
If you want the best version of your partner to show up—if you crave attention and affection—get out of your head long enough to understand that not everyone is on call to meet your needs the second you want them. Before you label others as moody, make sure you embody the labels courteous and mindful. Start with being aware, and magically, that once bitchy woman will suddenly be at your service.
—
Photo: gustavominas / flickr
In my experience, when someone is “too busy” to even get off the phone, they are usually too busy for a drink and a backrub as well?