After Sunday Aikido practice, I said to Ishibashi Sensei that it’s difficult use Aikido technique when the attacker doesn’t give a true attack. The attacker has to make the nage, the one who throws, move. Then nage can accelerate the attack, invite the attack, by moving back. Bring the attacker to their center. If I defend, I can be defeated. I don’t oppose the attack. There is no fight.
I said, “It’s hard to do technique when the attacker doesn’t give a true attack.”
Sensei smiled and said, “Who’s that on?”
He raised his shoulders.
I said, “Me.” The light went on inside me.
It’s always on me. It’s not me against the attacker. I apply the technique on myself, not on them. I work on myself, not on them. I invite the attack. Don’t oppose the attack. Don’t defend against it. There is no fight.
If someone is afraid to attack me, hesitates to attack me, that’s all on me. I’m responsible. Maybe they don’t make a true attack, because I’m a Badass? I wish. But, no.
Someone doesn’t make a true attack, doesn’t attack full force, because I don’t invite the attack. I’m not quiet inside. I’m afraid inside. I’m angry outside. That’s all on me. I’m responsible. That’s my vibe. That’s what I give the attacker. What I give others.
It’s always on me. I’m responsible. I work on myself, not on others. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” That’s the purpose of Aikido. I train to overcome myself. I train to get out of my own way. There is no fight. There never is. There never has to be one.
Inside or outside the Dojo, my greatest opponent is only and always me. It’s me against me. I work on myself, not on others. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I choose. I give up being right and making others wrong.
Under any attack, I enter what I fear, get in the danger. That’s the safest place to be. I hold my position. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over and over and over again. Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of that fear inside me. I free myself. I’m quiet inside.
I loved someone. I feared inside that I wasn’t good enough. Still, I said, “I love you.” No, she didn’t love me. She used me until she found the man she loved. Having someone to love is what, we all want in life. No, I wasn’t good enough. I entered what I feared most. I was the bravest I have ever been. Now I knew. I let it go. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I work on being the best man that I can be. That’s my vibe.
When someone attacks or disrespects me, I open up. I invite them in. I don’t oppose them. Don’t resist them. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside them. I have a lot to do with what goes on inside me. I’m quiet inside. I find peace inside. My vibe.
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