“We accept the love we think we deserve.”― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Some people believe that love is rare and special. We are meant to find our soul mate, the person who completes us, the one person who is “the one.” For some, this journey leads them to meet their spouse at a party or in their college dorm. For others, it takes longer.
Love is not about finding and receiving for these people but rather about giving and receiving. They see being in a relationship as a reciprocated gift — one that is filled with love and kindness. And yet, apparently, it can not be bought with materialistic gifts or financial gifts.
Sometimes we are given a certain amount of love from others; at other times, we get nothing at all.
The idea that it is impossible to buy love seems to contradict marketing principles. If we believe that love is a product that can be bought, then all we need to do is pay for it. Surely, if we were able to purchase love, people would gladly sell it to us at any price. We would not have to work for it; our soul mate would wash up on the shore of our desire with a boat full of cash floating behind him.
But if love is not a product, then we need to find other ways to gain it. Perhaps there are other means of acquiring love: kindness, compassion, and charity. How do these things benefit us and our relationships? And is it possible to buy these things? The concept of buying love is a slippery one, so I will try to avoid the obvious ways in which you can purchase something. I will also try and consider ways that may not be easily understood as purchases.
Love is a gift. It’s a gift that we give to others and one that we receive from them. So often, when we try to buy our love, we are giving a false gift. We are buying something that is not and can not be accurate. When an item is sold as a gift, most people assume (or hope) that it is for free.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
Imagine that you could go to a store and receive anything — anything at all — from the store’s shelves. You could take however much time you needed and then leave empty-handed. What would you do?
I assume that most people would have little interest in paying money for something they receive daily anyway. So what if I told you that it was possible not to pay any money at all? Can’t we call it a gift instead?
A gift is something given without any expectation of return. And if you do not receive any return for it, then it ceases to be a gift. This is why we put so much emphasis on gifts at Christmas. They are gifts that are given without expecting a return (presents), and in return, we only receive love (from our loved ones).
The effectiveness of giving as a way of gaining love can be seen in the teachings of Christ. His teachings are often cited as “love thy neighbor,” — but this is only half the message. The other half is “love thyself.” Jesus never said, “love thy neighbor,” but rather, “love thyself.” And he tells us to do the same for others. It does not matter who your neighbor is; it matters that you love yourself first.
Everything else follows from this. If we truly believe that love is a gift that is given without expectation of return, then we must also believe that receiving love from others is as vital to our lives as giving it to them — and perhaps even more so.
When we learn to love ourselves, we are less dependent on others for our happiness. We no longer endure suffering in silence, and we don’t seek affection from others as a way of making up for what we lack.
This attitude leads us to see our partners’ flaws without bitterness and resentment. We do not feel threatened if our partners develop and grow. It is essential for their happiness and peace of mind.
When those around us become happier, we, too, are happier. When people are hurt and vulnerable, it is our job to be there for them.
In short, we do not buy love from others; we give love to them because it is who we are and what makes us happy. It is the same with kindness, compassion, and charity.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash