Do you want to turn more of your dating app matches into actual dates? Has there ever been a moment where someone unmatched you, and you weren’t sure why? Are you curious about how you can improve your game so that a woman is genuinely excited to meet you? This article is here to help, my good man!
But first, a little about me. I’m a coach who primarily works with people on the quality of connection in their life. I’m obsessed with what works — and doesn’t — when it comes to matters of the heart. Aside from writing a book about reducing loneliness, I’ve also spent countless hours in conversation with coaching clients, in therapy, and chatting with female friends about their dating life. In other words, you might consider me a bit of an expert on the strange, tiny details of online dating.
But don’t just take it from me! I also surveyed my Instagram followers for this article, and got precisely SIXTY FOUR pieces of feedback from women about the behavior that makes them excited to go out with a man. (Maybe you?) All of their feedback is below.
If you want to read a summarized version of this with my feedback, the formal article is here.
My intention for this compilation of turn-ons is to help relationship-minded men find love. If you’re looking for something casual but are upfront about it with others, you can keep reading. BUT if you’re a man who uses this to get laid, whilst under the sneaky guise of “looking for a relationship,” I hope you have the day you deserve 💩
Alright. Now that you’re prepared for what to expect, grab a notepad and enjoy!
What Turns Women On In Dating Apps
- He seems genuinely excited to me — demonstrated by consistently responding/ initiating messages, ideas for something to do together or really open to an idea of mine, when he asks questions that clearly show he’s interested in me as a person / makes minimal comments on my general appearance.. it’s a whole vibe 🙂
- Ooohhhh. So many things to say. Good level of interest and communication without being too intense or pushy. Willingness to plan a date/take initiative. Respecting my safety boundaries but still excited to meet.
- Someone who 1) lists what they’re looking for (relationship, something casual, marriage, etc.) I’m looking for a relationship and want someone who can identify and express the same on their end. 2) someone who identifies a date they’re available and commits to it. Bonus points for spontaneity. 3) when they list positives of what they want in a partner instead of what they don’t want (for instance, “don’t bring your drama”)
- Profile: descriptive details about who he is and what he is looking for. Keep it positive. Communication: witty banter and a bit of back and forth that shows he READ your profile. Asking questions and showing interest and effort! Quickly asking me out rather than a ton of texting back and forth. Planning a date: actually making a plan is huge. Choosing a place and making a reservation if needed. Suggesting something creative to do. Or giving two specific options and asking me to choose. All of the above my now boyfriend did when I met him on Bumble back in May and I was very excited to meet up w/ him!
- Someone who shows their interest and makes it clear pretty early that they want to meet up / doesn’t waste a lot of time on small talk online and trying to gently work the idea of meeting up into the conversation weeks later
- I know what isn’t enticing! I cancelled a date this weekend over wishy washy planning and a lack of oomph. Jake Woodward’s stuff on a grounded leadership really rings true. Direction and taking the bull by the horns is sexy. Asking what I want to do, being boring… just isn’t.
- Date planning:
– ask where I live and where I can get to conveniently
– I like when a guy suggests a first date idea. I’m very happy to plan future dates, but the first one feels better if he suggests
– it’s a major turn off if a guy suggest 3 or 4 dates though. That indicates he lacks confidence and is trying overly hard to accommodate. First dates should always be simple, just a drink or a walk.
8. Great communication even via text. The initiation to plan and typically if he works in a field I am interested in
9. They ask interesting follow-up questions to something you’ve said, especially if the question makes you think about something in a new way!
10. One day, I would LOVE to ask a guy a reflection question and him actually ask ME the question back as if he was curious about what I had to say about it too
11. I knew I wanted to meet my now current bf in person within 20 min of chatting on Hinge. We had similar taste in music, we both were cracking jokes with one another (we basically had an inside joke right off the bat), and in general we just seemed very similar in terms of personalities. I had been on apps on/off for years and had never felt THAT excited to meet someone in person. For me, it was the ease of conversation, the humor, and the shared interests. I knew, at the very least, he’d make a good friend. In terms of his profile — he had one-liner jokes, a cute photo of his cat, a silly photo of himself, and some of his photography. I liked that he seemed funny/laid back, artsy and sensitive (cat photo)
12. Making a reservation to somewhere close the where I live after having a good couple of witty exchanges. — common interests. Also asking Qs about my hobbies — consistent communication — respect — humor
13. He 1) clearly communicates what he’s seeking, a few qualities about himself (that resonate), 2) that he’s growth oriented/a believer in therapy or coaching, 3) he asks thoughtful questions, 4) vocalizes his desire to meet, and commits to a date/time
14. Pics that shows the guy likes himself. He needs to look happy and enjoys his life. Not super posed on a boat with his boys on a yacht in Miami. He plans the date. There is thought behind the plan it’s not just a drink near his place. He asked questions on what I liked doing and he made a plan from that. In regards to his profile- hobbies he’s doing doing something he’s passionate about, maybe there a pic with diversity amongst his friends
15. There’s at least one prompt displaying emotionally maturity/ growth mindset in terms of what he wants in a relationship. I.e. goes to therapy, looking for something long term, into Esther Perel.
16. Our bar is probably low but if he can speak in sentences/engage in conversation and wants to meet in person. Bonus points if he wants to make it easier for you by meeting on your side of town or in the middle — so many guys pick the closest place to them even when they know you will have to come out of your way. Also if he makes no comments on how you look in your profile pics or sexual innuendo before meeting that’s also a tick. I went through a phase where I would request a phone call or video chat before meeting in person but found that too many times I would get along with them and was excited to meet only to find they were being dishonest about their current appearance on the app…like using 10 year old photos etc. Dishonesty definitely off-putting even if I had felt there might have been potential otherwise.
17. Asking questions!!!! So many men just answer questions and don’t ever ask about me
18. I love enthusiasm + lots of communication (not over communication — doesn’t need to be deep yet). This is contrary to a lot of my friends, but I get excited when I meet a guy who is so into about whatever we’re talking about that he’s writing paragraphs over hinge/text. I’ve found that’s the best indicator for me personally of pretty great convos IRL! His profile is a showcase of his personality and his prompt answers are unique (not canned answers that come from a “how to answer prompts on hinge” blog post), and he takes the initiative to plan a date that isn’t just “meet at a bar’
19. Fun/funny banter, a gentleman, ok talking on phone if I request it ahead of meeting, asks about me/interests and doesn’t just talk about himself, and if share in some interests.
20. Having engaging conversations! Can ask each other questions and communicate like we are in person. Getting to know each other before the meet up. So that when we do meet up it’s less awkward and you have an idea of the person
21. When they say they’re excited about meeting me. So simple, but it makes me more excited to meet them!
22. If he acts and sounds really excited about me! Gives a set plan for a meet up. And had asked maybe at least a couple questions about ME.
23. He makes an effort to communicate with me by having consistent conversations not disappearing for days at a time. He also does not push to move off app until we have set a date for our date. He demonstrates he has read my profile by asking questions about my interests & hobbies I have on my profile. We both make an effort to keep the conversation going. His profile is fully filled out like he has written thoughtful & sincere answers to the prompts. His profile gives the impression that he is look for a serious relationship including he has written that he wants one. We have real conversations on real topics to get to know the other person. He doesn’t solely ask me the checklist questions such as “what are you looking for”, “what type of guy do you like”.
24. Someone who is genuinely interested in me. Someone with great questions. Someone who has a curious mind and has demonstrated that through hobbies, learning, etc.
25. Consistency
26. It seems so simple, but they ask questions about me. I’m shocked at how few men do this on dating apps, it really isn’t complicated
27. Are they interested — ask questions, answer the questions I ask. They know what they want and we come to common ground of what we want from each other as well. Direct communication, I don’t like reading between the lines, if I don’t like you I’ll let you know and let’s not waist each others time, respectful men u can gage taht through conversations
28. If he seems transparent with his intention (whatever that is) and if he makes me feel safe to meet him…
29. He’s leaving me voice memos instead of just messaging, and giving me space to reply when I can, not rushing in any way, and he’s complimentary but not overboard — quick to talk about values too! And just that he’s got fun energy!
30. He’s shown ability to be both interested and interesting… making me feel confident conversation will flow easily with a natural balance of each of us talking and listening. I believe often times he’s made me laugh, either in a silly or smart way that shows he’d be fun. And ideally his profile or our exchange indicates there’s depth to this person (especially if seeking a romantic connection). really cool idea! I’m excited to read the article!
31. love it when a man consistent communicates with me, via text, phone call and FT. Love it when he plans something — gives me 2–3 options so I can decide and then he makes the reservation or sets up the date after I choose the option I like. Love it when he initiates/calls me during the beginning phase of dating as opposed to ke calling him. i love a good morning text and showing me his interests — talking about the books he’s been reading or a movie he saw and what he got out of it or how he felt about it. sharing podcast episodes with ke that he thinks id like and then we can discuss them
32. He shows he’s read my profile by making a specific comment. His profile shows that he has friends and had put thought into it(not just a bathroom mirror selfie)
33. At first I could not figure out how to filter this. Especially because some guys just seemed to ask me out because I answered. But now that I’ve had a few good dates, 1) i swipe right because i find him physically attractive + something on his profile matches my own interests. Can i get more evidence of it thru my opener and then is there some witty banter / quick convo that makes me excited to meet up. Tbh sometimes all of that is still wrong tho. excited to read this article because I’m lost now that I’ve said this
34. Someone who seems interested in and excited about meeting me, who has their own hobbies and interests that may compliment mine but are also different, someone who I can have easy conversation with, whos willing to be open, honest, and vulnerable. Someone who’s willing to provide date suggestions, or provides activities they like that a date can be planned around (i do this too!)
35. Honestly my best dates have been through FEELD, where people are very open up front. But men who are good on apps I think are open to meet soon but patient if I can’t meet right away. Sometimes people bail too quickly and that turns me off.
36. They’re clear and to the point. Also have a plan for the date. No “where do you want to go, what do you want to do” just pick you up at 8? I have a place in mind. We love that!
37. Someone who plans the date and shows an interest in your life
38. Honestly I don’t feel excited ever now. I have had 2 dates this year and 1 was very boring. I appreciate when they communicate well.
39. I appreciate somebody who goes out of their way to not write generic responses to things. Especially when they’re up front about what they’re looking for: I’m not willing to “play the game” so at least be honest about what you want so I can use my discretion into opt into a relationship with you (whatever form that happens to take)
40. I want to know from looking at his profile what his values are and what kind of relationship he’s looking for. I like to know that our social values align. I like to see playfulness too. When we move onto the talking phase, I like when there’s some banter back and forth for no more than a day before either of us propose a date. I love when they ask what type of date I prefer to go on and they provide different options and ask me for my opinion on which looks good and when they put in the effort to finding something that is conveniently located for both of us. I appreciate thoughtful questions irl and on the app and I love a same day confirmation saying something like “can’t wait to see you tonight” or “see you soon”. Love when they take initiative and make a reservation or check ahead of time if the place has the accommodations that I asked for prior (outdoor seating for covid and veg options if we plan to eat) Demonstrated thoughtfulness, kindness, empathy, and humor basically
41. Men on dating apps: no photos with sunglasses on, can tell they thought about what to write on their profile, clear with what they are looking for. And most importantly, when messaging, they make conversation, ask questions and show their curious and want to get to know you. And for me, being open to having a phone conversation before a meet up.
42. Clear, non blurry photos (shows a baseline of effort and self awareness), clearly stating what they are looking for, mentioning that they’re in or have been to therapy, a bit of banter in the first few messages
43. Suggesting an activity date or something other than “getting drinks”
44. Responding. Asking questions for us to get to know each other. Setting up a date. Not talking about cuddling before even meeting t’s very cringe
45. Actually writing something in the profile beyond just listing interests. Stories that reveal something the person thinks is beautiful. Being able to write with humor that isn’t based in jokes or meanness.
46. First step would be his photos. If they are clear and he is attractive, then I will swipe right. The most important is thing for me is communication. If the conversation flows and they seem genuinely interested in getting to know me, then I’m excited!
47. When I met up with the guy I am currently dating (almost 2 years) it was how in general his pics I found attractive, the convo was quirky and fun, and we were both asking all those very general questions and then following up from those questions to more random. He kept me intrigued the whole time. It was around Thanksgiving, so he explained what plans he had with family and how he was helping them out with different things, so it showed me he was willing help others when needed. Then spontaneously we were both free the Sat after Thanksgiving, so decided on quick drink date, that turned into all night convos and planning second date for the very next day. Our relationship so fat has definitely had its up and downs. Personally my issues with relationship anxiety as well as his past relationship issues, but we have been able to work
48. He’s communicating with me casually (not being sexual) and suggested the date. I don’t want a pen pal, so he needs to seal the deal within a week of matching or I’m out.
49. When he seems authentic, happy, has hobbies he excited about and willing to meet up within a few days or a week of texting/calling. Also when he’s a good communicator via the initial texting in the apps and seems excited and interested in learning about me. The partner I’m with now opened up a whole world for me of emojis and emoticons and would crack jokes.
50. Makes an actual plan! I’ve found that so often I have to suggest the date soup to nuts — I.e. everything from “we should meet up” to having to ask which days he is free, whether he drinks, what neighborhood he lives in, and then suggest the bar or restaurant or cafe. When he makes a suggestion, even if we have to alter it to suit our schedules, that is HOT. Also if he doesn’t get too sexual too fast in the messaging part — yes, I know that’s why we are here, but if that’s the only thing you have to say to me, you’re not that interesting and don’t seem to have much going on
51. When it comes to planning the date, I really love when a guy asks what part of town I live in (San Diego area) and then suggests a cool place to grab drinks or dinner that’s near me, even though it’s a bit of a drive for them. It’s a nice green flag & shows that they’re thoughtful, attentive and probably a really decent human being.
52. More meeting and less chatting. I am most excited to meet someone after a little banter and an impromptu or quick meet up. Also if he suggest something a little fun and different, especially outdoors. Like a park or hike. A guy once suggested we throw a softball in the park on a second date and it was brazen (I thought) out of nowhere but fun. Lastly, if he’s done something fun recently like a hike, a backpack, gone to a eat concert, started a new hobby or craft…I’m excited to ask more about it on the date. How he talks about said thing or event says so much. The excitement or passion or creativeness in his voice and story.
53. He asks questions and shows excitement! Plans somewhere fun and easy to get to
54. I have a sweet spot for men who write and communicate in a way that I can easily see transferred to “real life”. That is, someone intentional but not afraid to be a little bit sloppy. It excites me when he seems to feel so relaxed to show himself that sometimes he might write something completely not thought through and just send it. It opens up for connection and vulnerability imo
55. When he shares a glimpse into who he is as a person on his profile! Like, not just hobbies but about what he values, his goals or things he is really passionate about. It shows me that he has invested a considerate amount of time figuring who he is as a person outside of dating. A major plus when he’s considerate and asks for my input while also offering his own ideas for the first date! There’s a balanced energy in that he doesn’t make me take too much of the lead but also values my opinions!
56. Intelligent questions and answers that show he’s articulate and thoughtful 🙂 Lots of intellectually mediocre people out there
57. When he actually tries and posts decent pictures of himself / doing what he loves on his profile. Also, when he writes things / takes the time to fill out his profile, so you have a fairly good sense of who is he before swiping. Extra points if the profile answer makes me giggle.
58. Suggesting specific plans “are you free for coffee or a drink on Thurs/Fri evening?”
59. Instead of “we should go out some time.” Two reasons, one this is giving specific times when they’re available and also giving you options for the *type* of interaction you’re interested in.
60. Some kind of humour in his profile and first messages. Consistent communication, recent photos and something a little quirky. The guy I’m currently dating described himself as though he was a new house on the property market, made me smile and got the chat going!
61. Open, honest communication! Asks questions to show his interest. Respects boundaries and your time, and makes you feel comfortable. Flirtatious but not making a beeline for sexts or similar!
62. He’s doing online from the start what he also does in person: compliments, appreciative, warm and curious. And he definitely leads with enthusiasm
63. Communication and consistency. With clear intentions stated at the start of where this is going.
64. When my boyfriend and I were making plans he was very to the point of “great I’ll make a reservation for 7pm and pick you up at 6:30.” I remember thinking “oooh this feels different”
What To Do Next?
Want regular tips on connection and relationships? Follow me on Instagram.
Want thoughtful essays on communication like this one? Subscribe to my twice-monthly newsletter.
Want to say thanks for this piece? Donate to me on Paypal. Thank you!
And if you’re feeling overwhelmed with this whole dating thing and would like help, we might be a fit for working together! To see if we’re a match, you can learn more about me and book a free exploratory call here. If enough men are interested, I might make a special 90-minute call just to edit your profile together.
Godspeed!
—
This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock