What Does Insecurity in a Relationship Cost You?

As humans, most of us at some point become jealous and insecure in our relationships.

It’s a normal, human part of our existence when we love someone and are emotionally, physically, and mentally attached to them. When we’re feeling insecure, it’s often because we’re lacking the assurance that we are chosen by the person we love.

The behavior that arises from that lack of security can be things that sometimes seem completely crazy, unhinged, or even psycho to outsiders.

Hypervigilance. Clinginess. Neediness. Craving constant attention, reassurance, and connection. These are just a few that come to mind.

All of these feelings and behaviors stem from a fear of not feeling chosen or loved, real or imagined.

Our partner could reassure us over and over that we are loved and that they choose us no matter what. But there’s a difference in knowing we are chosen and feeling we have been chosen by our partner.

And the protest behaviors for that lack of security arise most when we don’t feel we have been chosen, in spite of any promises made. Words and actions need to feel aligned.

The solution lies in asking a few important questions:

What does insecurity cost me in a relationship?
Who do I have to become to feel safe with my partner?

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The answer to those questions will be different for each relationship, because every person is so very different.

To feel safe, what do you have to do or become? Who do you have to be? What kind of person shows up in that situation? Are you truly able to relax and be yourself, or does another version of yourself come out to feel safe? Are you the needy, crazy partner keeping tabs on your beloved to seek reassurance, or are you the avoidant one who disappears at any slight disappointment? Or do you fall somewhere in between?

What does this behavior cost you in the relationship? Emotionally? Mentally? Logistically? How does the relationship affect your peace of mind?

The reality is that some parts of loving someone are hard because their life is hard to share, and those things can trigger the very insecurity and fears that we need reassurance for in the first place.

Sometimes the insecurity we feel is giving us an important message. It’s showing us that who we have to become to feel safe may not be the person we truly want to be in our relationship at all. Maybe we want to be that calm, secure, non-clingy, trusting partner, but we struggle with the lack of reassurance.

So, together, finding the balance between making sure we reassure our partners that they are chosen and helping them feel chosen is the key.

How does your partner feel chosen? What behaviors and actions help them feel less insecure?

Let our words align with our actions so our nervous systems can relax and feel safer in our connection together. So, the person we become to feel safe is always the person we truly are and not some version of ourselves we are ashamed to embrace.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.