If ten years ago a counseling client would have asked for my opinion about narcissistic abuse, I would have looked confused. My education in psychology had trained me to assess ego strengths, comb through problematic early childhood histories, and identify defensive structure patterns. Nothing was mentioned about narcissistic abuse.
The Advent of Narcissistic Abuse
Over the past few years, the interest in narcissism has exploded, and for good reasons. Emotional abuse seems to be epidemic, making the need to reduce the victim’s suffering paramount.
Don Hennessey, in his book, How He Gets Into Her Head: The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser, details his search for a response to this crisis. He writes,
Much of the literature of the past 30 years has tried to define what sort of a woman ends up in an abusive relationship. We have analysed the history of the women. We have heard their own self-analysis. We have attempted to distinguish them from the population of non-abused women. We have been looking for explanations in the wrong place.
Until recently the focus has been on identifying why someone gets into an abusive relationship. Is the person codependent or struggling with insecurities? Do they come from troubled homes?
Hennessey’s work with abuse victims refutes that. He states, “The main reason why any woman becomes trapped in an abusive relationship is because a skilled offender decided to target her.”
In other words, they’ve met the wrong person.
How much pain and suffering could be avoided if we changed the focus from trying to help someone leave a pathological relationship to giving them the necessary tools to avoid falling into one?
It might have protected me. Here’s what I didn’t know.
Abusers Target Victims
Before the first date, abusive people are on the lookout for a certain type of victim. They want someone who scores high on the personality scale of agreeableness and conscientiousness (Sandra Brown, 2020). All the qualities of the ideal job candidate — cooperativeness, loyalty, empathy, and belief in the goodness of others — are sought. It’s easy to see why since these characteristics define someone long-suffering. They are a person who is supportive instead of being solely self-interested.
At the start of the new relationship, abusers quickly establish that the partner is responsible for the relationship’s emotional tone. The abuser’s needs should be prioritized over the partner’s, putting them in control.
After two weeks of texting, I had no idea the man I’d just met on our first date was such a person. He was clean-cut, well-dressed, and held in a professional position. He often brought gifts and held my door. Nothing about his appearance or mannerisms gave warning.
When he shared too many intimate details of his abuse history during our first date, I chalked it up to me being a psychologist. Yet this premature disclosure built a rapid rapport, disarming me. His explanations for his previous breakups painted him as a victim, which he later used as a convenient backstory to justify bad behavior.
Near the end of that date, I asked a deeply personal question of my own, and he replied with a chilly no. I stared awkwardly for a moment, but by then I was already too invested. I failed to see he had established a new ground rule — reciprocity wasn’t going to be mutual.
My inexperience with dating and lack of knowledge about narcissistic abuse led me to miss these early signs. It wasn’t until the last night of our honeymoon when I woke to a letter from a woman, claiming she’d been dating my new husband for the past three months, that I realized I’d married a stranger.
Early Warning Signs
It is impossible to spot every abuser, but there are a few helpful signs to watch out for:
1. Excessive eye-gazing. Although it’s wonderful to have someone’s undivided attention, this isn’t something that occurs naturally. The use of gaze builds rapid trust and establishes dominance.
2. Delving private details before the relationship has had time to evolve. When we hear a vulnerable story, our instinct is to share something equally intimate of our own, speeding up the pace of the relationship. This creates a false sense of knowing someone who is still essentially a stranger.
3. Making the new partner responsible for the emotional health of the relationship. This commonly starts before the first meeting, like posting on an online profile “no drama.” While no one wants a chaotic relationship, such mandates set the groundwork to call any unwanted interaction problematic.
4. Be leery of what Gavin de Becker, in his book The Gift of Fear, calls “typecasting.” Unpleasant stereotypical statements, like “you aren’t going to be like one of those people” are used to make the new person work all that much harder to avoid the characterization — another power play.
More research is needed.
It’s sad that the mental health field is just catching up to the travesty of narcissistic abuse.
It took me nearly two years and a lot of heartache to leave that dangerous relationship. My story, however, isn’t unique. Every day, I meet men and women, just like me, whose lives have been torn apart by narcissistic abuse.
Although it’s impossible to avoid every predator, we can reduce the risk by learning to identify some early signs. I believe, with more education, we can help prevent others from suffering this kind of devastation.
My newly-released memoir, Love You More: The Harrowing Tale of Lies, Sex Addiction, & Double Cross, tells the rest of the story of what happened to me. And be sure to follow me on TikTok where I post daily information and education on narcissistic abuse.
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Previously Published on Medium
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If only I could say, “It took me nearly two years and a lot of heartache to leave that dangerous relationship. My story, however, isn’t unique.” It might be unique that you got out in 2 years. Not being a psychologist, but all the other characteristics that Narcs look for, it took me 35 years, 3 children, decades of psych meds, uncountable hours in therapy, a mental breakdown, and financial help from my typically unhelpful, unengaged parents to leave. He manipulates my children against me still. Congratulations on getting out soon!