What is Demisexuality?

WebMd describes demisexuality as “being sexually attracted to someone only when you have an emotional bond with them.”

An article in Glamour states that if you’re demisexual, “you want to have sex with and have feelings of sexual attraction only for someone with whom you have an emotional bond. Basically, it means you want to get down only if you feel emotionally attracted to someone. This identity is considered part of the ‘Ace spectrum’ because asexuality falls on a vast continuum of different makeups.”

Generally, demisexuality is framed as a distinct identity or sexual orientation. I’d like to expand upon it and propose that it exists along a spectrum (think, for instance people who are mostly straight yet occasionally have same-sex crushes). Feeling gradually attracted to some people and instantly attracted to others means you fall somewhere along that spectrum, even if for the most part you tend to fall very far to the “non-demi” side of it.

…

Examples of demisexuality

In the movie Don Juan, Don (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) meets a recently widowed woman. She doesn’t instantly attract him the way Scarlet Johansen’s character does. In fact, Don initially seems a bit put off. He comes across as unsure how to respond to her forthright interest. Over time though, a genuine and gradual romantic connection forms.

Maybe you’ve been friends with someone for years and suddenly begin to see them in a new light, or realize you want to date them. This seems to have happened with Jo Koy and Chelsea Handler, who’d had a friendship for twenty years before they began dating. She describes their relationship as one of the deepest and strongest she’s had, and that Jo Koy loved her in a way she’d never realized was possible.

…

Trust plays a role in attraction with demisexual crushes and relationships.

Feelings of comfort and safety can at times powerfully influence the turning on of that attraction switch – sometimes when you least expect it. This is what I think people mean when they say “love happens when you’re not looking for it.” The fact that enough of us fall somewhere on the demi spectrum means that it can sneak up on us.

As psychologist Lisa Marie Bobby put it: “There’s a reason why sometimes long-term friends turn into true loves, and that’s because even though the crazy chemistry and spark wasn’t there in the beginning, it formed over time the more they got to know each other.”

…

Embracing your demi side can benefit you by expanding your dating pool, providing you with a greater number of options. With online dating, often we see only glimpses of a person’s potential in pressurized and limited situations. In my own experiences I haven’t liked how I often feel pressure to quickly decide whether I’m attracted to a person or not. Because as Delia Owens wrote in Where the Crawdads Sing, “You learn a lot more about something when it’s not in a jar.”

With online dating, I’ve felt like we’re all inside of one to some extent. Boiled down by each other (perhaps unwittingly) to something that’s not quite our true essence. Examined like specimen, with not altogether accurate conclusions drawn about us. What feels closer to the truth is that some of us have more charismatic and relaxed representatives, self- marketers, or personal brand managers than others.

Removing the expectation to feel instant attraction allows a connection to reveal itself more fully. In addition, judgments, assumptions, and associations with past experiences all can influence our level of attraction towards a person. It’s not just the way they look, talk, move, or behave, but also internal stuff on our end – which can shift with time. Positive associations might begin to replace them.

…

Embracing your demi side can additionally benefit people who may have historically found themselves to be attracted to partners or relationships that ultimately weren’t the healthiest for them, or didn’t meet their needs. As a commenter on Quora wrote, “I’m very sure by now that my ‘sparks’ are connected to my triggers. If I have to date again, I will try to ignore them and just give people time to make me like them more and more.”

Lust can also at times blind us to incompatibility. Another woman and I jumped into a relationship very quickly one summer. I was caught up in the rush of the moment – but when you took away those chemicals, we really didn’t have a whole lot in common intellectually or on a values level.

De-emphasizing the physical gives a chance to really key in to the soul of the person in front of you. Which is why a slow burn can sometimes lead to extremely deep and healthy relationships (the people who say “the spark doesn’t grow with time,” might be farther to the non-demi side of the spectrum).

“When you rush past people who you don’t feel an immediate connection with, some great matches could slip through the cracks. “So often we cut the dating process short because it doesn’t ‘feel’ right in the beginning,” says Dr. Klapow. “But it’s possible that as you come to know the person, and they come to know you, it may feel right. Time can build connections.”

…

Slow burn versus instant attraction – one isn’t necessarily better than the other. And in the context of a long-term relationship, it makes little difference if the attraction was there right at the start (present on date one), or took a few dates (or time spent knowing each other as friends first) to materialize.

What I like about dating “demi style” is that it helps me re-envision connection as a co- creation, or a cultivation process – rather than a package that arrives instantly.

We get to remember that our own attitude, open-ness, and individual efforts – not just the other person’s – contribute to engendering the feeling and experience we’re looking for. And that with this mindset, love and attraction could very well sneak up on us.

I love that demisexuality has made its way onto the cultural radar. New words and terminology continue to give name to previously unexplored experiences, or feelings that once felt vague, intangible, and difficult to grasp. They help us to organize our wants and needs into recognizable commonalities or areas for connection, and to see that we’re not so alone.

So if conceptualizing demisexuality as existing along a spectrum feels right for you, then by all means do so. I personally think embracing it can only bring more clarity and direction to your dating life.

You can read up more on demisexuality here: