If maintaining a romantic relationship was easy, you wouldn’t be reading this.
For as long as I remember, I’m always curious about what defines a healthy relationship.
What are traits of the couple that helps it be stable and long-lasting? Is there some type of secret?
Apparently, it’s not as complicated as we think.
To keep the relationship healthy, you need to be a great partner. And no, we aren’t talking about how rich or good-looking someone is to be considered a “great partner”.
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We need more than that.
The ability to listen to your partner without interrupting
“It takes a great man to be a good listener.”― Calvin Coolidge
We all want to be seen, heard, and appreciated.
However, have we taken the time to learn how to listen? Do we listen without the need to tell the other person our thoughts or opinion?
Only when I started getting into a serious relationship did I realize listening to your partner isn’t always an easy task. Especially, when we disagree with what they say.
There’s always an itch to correct them or merely let them know we have a different take on the story.
I don’t consider myself a great listener just yet, and still working hard on it. However, the more I analyzed healthy couples around me, the more I noticed being a good listener is indeed a true recipe for a long-lasting relationship.
It’s easier to say than do. That’s why many people underestimate the power of listening without interrupting.
However, you and your partner should work on it, especially during the low times.
Giving your partner room to do things outside the relationship
To be a great partner also means giving complete freedom to your partner to do things outside the relationship.
While this isn’t a big problem in western countries, it’s still something that women need to fight for in countries such as mine (Indonesia).
Most men still expected the wife to quit their day job and solely focus on raising the kids.
It’s not a bad thing if she chooses it herself. Sadly, most times, it’s based on a man’s decision.
On the other hand, I’ve also witnessed a close family member stop being himself once he’s in a relationship. He no longer does things he likes.
2 years into a relationship, he’d completely lose himself. All the things he does is for the sake of making his partner happy.
There has to be a limit on how much you want to please your partner. Most times, when you aren’t true to yourself, you’ll end up feeling unhappy and stuck.
And that’s not what a healthy couple does to each other.
Being your partner’s main support system
Continuing the previous point, being a great partner requires you to support your partner’s dream and goals — just as much as they do for you.
Saying it out loud that you support them isn’t always enough. I’ve seen a great partnership in one couple where the girlfriend wants to be a nurse, and the boyfriend supports her.
He starts taking turns preparing meals and spending more time with the dogs so she can study and do other little things along the way.
We’re so over those people whose words don’t match their actions.
Sure, it’s easy to tell your partner that you support them. When it comes to practice, are you though?
Actively asking instead of assuming
“Your assumption, and the truth, dine at totally separate tables.” — J Michael Straczynski
Making a quick assumption is one of the reasons why many couples fail.
I know how tempting it is.
Your partner comes late from work for 3 days in a row now. Instead of asking what’s happening, you jump to the conclusion that they might have an affair.
Here’s the thing: sometimes our minds like to make it a big deal — with no proof whatsoever.
Yet we believe that our feelings are right all the time.
Guess what? If you let your feelings guide you, you can expect that your relationship will fail.
Feelings change all the time. It can make the worst assumption ever without you even realizing it.
To be a great partner means to communicate your feelings — even if it feels uncomfortable. Ask your partner without blaming.
Try asking your partner to confirm your doubts instead of assuming the worst. You’ll realize that most fights are nothing but a result of misunderstandings.
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Parting Words
“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.” — Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper
I don’t believe that a relationship should be perfect to last long. All it takes is to find someone who wants to go through times (both bad and good) with you while constantly working on the relationship.
A great partner isn’t someone who spoils you with a bouquet every day and takes you to a fancy dinner.
It’s someone who accepts and embraces you as is. Someone who believes a relationship isn’t easy but still chooses to make it work with you regardless.
If they don’t have all these qualities, then maybe they aren’t the right one for you.
It’s okay, though. It’s still much better than forcing a relationship with someone who’s not truly in it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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