Since no one talks about this side of partner pleasing, I will. We see so many stories geared toward women about how to satisfy a man, get a man, and keep a man. We even have men coaching women in this area. Collectively, it seems there is far less concern with helping men delight, get, and keep a woman.
Our happiness and reverence matters.
Not every woman will fawn over you simply because you’re a man — or work to exhaustion to gain your favor. Some of us also wish to be stimulated, celebrated, and catered to on occasion. Some of us are comfortable alone and won’t compromise our sense of self-worth or take on the entire burden of cultivating a connection just to have someone. We don’t all jump at the first chance, or any chance to be married.
For a woman, fulfillment is as important in a romantic relationship as it is for a man. However, culture conditions us to believe that it isn’t. We learn from the time that we’re girls to prepare for our Prince Charming and compete for men’s attention. Women are chastised for openly expressing sexuality — ridiculed and labeled spinsters when unattached — and considered difficult when we speak out against poor treatment and demeaning behavior.
I know not everyone subscribes to the double standard, but it exists. The aforementioned constant influx of advising women on how to snag a man, but not emphasizing the other side nearly as fervently serves as evidence. The implication is that men are inherently a reward, and we’re lucky to capture one.
Some women need more brought to the table than testosterone.
For many women, you must do more than show up to gain her devotion, and I believe her devotion is worth it. A woman who chooses you, knows why, and values things about you that go beyond your manhood makes for one half of a formidable life partnership — if true partnership is what you seek.
Every woman is different. There isn’t a “one size fits all” for what women like. Each of us has individual nuances and unique quirks. Here are some commonalities I’ve witnessed among what women look for in a significant other:
There’s not much point of being in a relationship if you still feel alone. Be there for a woman in difficult times. Come to her aid when she’s struggling. Give her refuge for relaxation when she’s tired.
Furthermore, take an interest in your lady (or potential lady’s) endeavors. That’s the greatest way to show that you view her as a complete person — not just as an object of desire. Support her undertakings that don’t directly involve you.
Try not to grow annoyed or jealous over the time she spends on personal achievement. She’ll appreciate knowing that you won’t hold her back from things she wants to do or feel threatened by her success. Champion her ambition, and she’ll always make room for you.
Each of us likes to feel special and know that the person we’re fond of thinks of us fondly. We want reassurance sometimes of how much we’re loved. The longer you’ve been in a relationship with someone, the easier it is to take them for granted. Make it a point to perform unexpected acts of thoughtfulness. Never stop courting her, or allow doubt to creep into her mind as to where the relationship stands.
Sometimes, when a woman is hurt or upset by something her guy did, she mostly wants him to understand why — and you can’t understand if you don’t listen. If you’re defensive or dismissive regarding her feelings, it only adds to the offense. She may stop talking about it, but the feelings don’t go away, they only fester. This is the seed of resentment.
Don’t shy away from accountability. Let a woman know that you hear her, care, and are willing to right any wrongs. Listen to comprehend, even if you disagree.
Society doesn’t encourage men to be expressive creatures. (See toxic masculinity.) But you have to try. No one is saying that you must wear your emotions on your sleeve. But to truly connect with a person, you have to let them into your personal space and otherwise private thoughts. You have to make yourself vulnerable.
It’s refreshing to be with a man who says how he feels and takes guesswork out of the equation. This helps a woman feel secure in the union, which encourages her to let her guard down. When a woman feels confident and assured in a relationship, you may see a different side.
Often, men think a woman isn’t warm or doesn’t want them when the issue is that she doesn’t have a safe space to release her inhibitions. It’s natural to be hesitant and protective of ourselves in uncertain circumstances.
An Understanding that Sex Should Be Enjoyable for Women, Too
This goes back to imbalanced ideas of physicality. Sex and procreation are not a woman’s “duty.” We are sexual beings with urges and a pleasure principle, just as men are.
Don’t do your business on a woman and consider it a job well done — especially not if you care for her. Make her enjoyment of the encounter a priority, not a byproduct. Find out what she likes and give attention to her needs.
Every woman I know has faked an orgasm to protect a man’s pride, which shouldn’t be. Lay your ego aside and be open to learning what satisfies her. You should want her to derive authentic gratification from intimacy.
Unless you’re a woman, you can’t fully grasp our sensations. You think if it feels good to you, it feels good to us. So, I get how men can be a bit clueless as to what it takes to pleasure a woman.
If you don’t know, ask. If this is an uncomfortable conversation or you don’t want to have to probe, there are a ton of books detailing the effective navigation of a woman’s body. She’ll be impressed by your “skills,” and the effort is likely to be reciprocated. It’s a win-win situation.
Effort in building and sustaining a bond should go both ways.
In a nutshell, court a woman with intent. Treat her adoration, devotion, and attention as gifts, not entitlements. In doing so, the chances of her happiness in the relationship increase exponentially.
Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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