Lisa Dalton believes you learn to love a man who understands you.
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At 12, I believed . . . I wanted to marry a man just like my Daddy.
He was handsome and smart and took good care of his family. He knew everything and was my mom’s best friend, shopping with her and decorating the house instead of watching football and fixing the car. I wanted to marry a guy like that.
At 22, I believed . . . that my dad was a fraud for getting married and having kids because he was gay.
When your father is a gay computer whiz genius who do you choose to marry in rebellion?
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When Dad came out, and my parents divorced, our lives turned upside down. All through high school I hated him for not being like the “normal” dads everyone else seemed to have. I punished him for being different. Sworn to secrecy, I couldn’t share this burden with my younger sister, leaving me not knowing a single soul with a gay dad. I took all my anger and shame out on my family. Then I left them to live my life out West, on my own.
At 32, I believed . . . that my marriage to a man who was the opposite of my dad would last forever.
When your father is a gay computer whiz genius who do you choose to marry in rebellion? A redneck hillbilly truck driver from the South, who don’t know much but looks real good and makes you feel real smart, that’s who. After the birth of my son, and the inevitable divorce, I landed back where I started from, back near my family, creating a new life near the very people, and place, I ran from. I kept Dad at arm’s length, fighting my desire to be close to him.
At 42, I believed . . . that because of my Daddy Issues I would never find a man I could be happy with, yet I exhausted myself trying to find one anyway.
The years spent raising a man without one around kept my dream of a family life alive; believing that was what I wanted, and my son needed. I dated several men, most of them selfish and immature. After a number of near misses, I married one of them, then divorced him for those very same reasons.
A dramatic career change, changed me. As I became more connected to who I wanted to be in the world, I became more committed to being accountable for my own part in my relationships.
he stark truth that his narcissistic tendencies kept him emotionally distant, released me from the story that I was rejected and abandoned because he was gay.
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Sometimes I was tolerant, then resentful, of others’ bad behavior, eventually seeing I was drawn to the dynamic I had grown to know with my father. Being low on the priority list wasn’t comfortable, but it was familiar. Sometimes I was the selfish or immature one. As I changed the way I showed up in my own life, I realized more and more my part in the rift between Dad and me.
At 52, I believed . . . that, as a parent, my dad did the best that he knew how and I forgave him for not being the father I thought I wanted. Then he died.
My offer of forgiveness, sent to my dad in a birthday card several years before his death, was never acknowledged by him, yet it freed me to love him again, with acceptance. The stark truth that his narcissistic tendencies kept him emotionally distant, released me from the story that I was rejected and abandoned because he was gay. Knowing he never meant to hurt my feelings became key to my forgiveness, which also included accepting that he didn’t own his part in our dysfunctional relationship. As a result, those last couple years of his life we grew close, supporting one another as we never had before.
Now I believe . . . that my dad was a good man who loved me, and in the end, knew how much I loved him.
It is a powerful thing to see our parents as people, who are struggling to live their own lives, just like us. To see their humanity and vulnerability as they grow older and change, makes it easier to reveal our own. The changes I’ve made in how I see my family also allowed me to look closer at my relationship with my mother. I can see the jealousy I’ve carried over the love she received from Dad, even after their divorce. As I removed that thorn from my side, their friendship became a cherished memory instead of a painful injustice. I see it now through grown up eyes.
With each decade that passes I change a little less, and grow a little more. The man who has captured my heart is a lot like my Daddy in ways that matter to me: he is kind and smart, thoughtful and wise. He doesn’t watch sports and can build things with his own two hands. He knows his way around a computer. And at times, he can be selfish. We’re best friends, just like Dad and Mom were, and grow closer the older we get.
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Photo Credit: Pixabay
Wonderful article. Very well written. I am in my 20’s still single, never experience dating much. I don’t have some daddy issues since I didn’t met my dad until I was 16. we have this close friends relationship at first but we gradually progress. And after knowing my dad that long, I tend to find guys opposite to him lol.