What’s the “three-week rule” anyway?
It’s when changes don’t stick.
Let me explain. Pretend you have a dead bedroom (which you probably have since you are reading my work). You and your wife have done the “let’s talk about this” song and dance. Probably many times.
You try to explain that you “need more,” and she promises to “try harder.”
Ooof.
Been there. Done that. I used to be in the “just talk about it and communicate” camp long ago, too. Until I realized that it didn’t work. Nothing changed. I didn’t even get the half-hearted “let me try” sex.
Yet, most couples are in the “three-week” group. So your spouse makes an effort for a few weeks.
“We can do it, if you want.”
“You want to? Ok.”
“Hopefully, this will make you happy.”
None of these statements are particularly enthused about the prospect of sex. It’s more duty and obligation than carnal joy. They don’t want you — they want to make you stop nagging.
After several hours of heart-to-hearts, you agree that “some changes” are in order. Throw in some decent make-up sex, and you are legitimately hopeful.
“I finally got through!”
“She gets it.”
“We might be fine….”
Well, let me break it to you gently; your sex life will go back to nothing in about three weeks or less. YEAH, nothing.
That “talk” disappeared into the ether.
It’s all downhill.
Then you become frustrated with your deader than dead bedroom. You talk about it. Your spouse seems to listen. A slight improvement occurs. Then guess what?
Nothing.
Eventually, you will give up. I know I did. I got to the point where nothing changed no matter what I said (or didn’t say). My husband’s sexual needs were different from mine. I stopped hoping.
The thing is, people need to make an internalized change of their own accord. It can’t come from a request or a “talk.” Likely, they will be back to their old habits in three weeks or less. I bet less. One week tops.
Before you call me “negative,” I will insist I’m a realist.
The dead bedroom conundrum:
It’s not fair for you that your sexual needs aren’t being met. While at the same time, it’s not fair to your wife to feel like she has to meet them if she’s just not interested.
It’s a riddle with no easy answers. Stay and suffer. Cheat and lie. Divorce with drama. Leaving a trail of destruction in your wake with any of the above scenarios.
Sometimes in a long-term marriage, your wants and needs change until you are entirely different from each other. And no amount of “talking it out” will change the dynamic.
This was when I hopped off that fidelity wagon.
My “lightbulb” moment: I need to make myself happy. My husband is not going to do that for me. I love sex. I want someone to want me.
No amount of beating my head against the wall would get me laid at home. There wasn’t a middle ground since our libidos were so far apart. No new avenues to discover. It was all dead ends.
The three-week rule makes perfect sense to me.
So you can stay married and be on the endless “talk about it” loop.
Or you can give up like I did.
—
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
***
You might also like these from The Good Men Project:
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Unsplash
