It was Thursday, April 29, 2010. I was the Director of Software Engineering at a large public research university and was walking to a 3 p.m. meeting. As I approached the conference room, I was met by a colleague and a police officer. A few moments later I was directed into a nearby office and told that my wife Amy was killed suddenly that morning in a pedestrian traffic accident. I was 43 years old and left to care for our two boys, ages seven and four, and figure out how to get on with life. And work.
There is really nothing that can prepare us for such a thing. Neither the recipient of the news nor those around them. And even so, in our current culture we seem even less equipped to deal effectively with the news of death and how to effectively embrace those in grief—both in our personal lives and also in the workplace.
We generally outsource grief and its attendant rituals to faith-based organizations. Yet as work and life flexibility cause the firm boundaries of work and life to fade, how do we effectively and safely bring grief support into the community of the workplace? According to The Grief Recovery Institute, we lose $50-75 billion in productivity in the workplace from those suffering from grief. Grief arises for many reasons, not just the death of a loved one. Financial struggles, addictions, challenges with parenthood, or divorce can all bring on grief. According to some research, the loss of a beloved companion animal can bring on grief as powerfully as that associated with the loss of a human loved one.
Part of the challenge at work is one of policy. When my wife was killed, I was blessed to work for a state university with its generous benefits. In addition to three days of bereavement leave, I had banked a decent amount of personal and sick leave. And the university work culture afforded me the flexibility and the ability to work from home and to catch up during weekends. But I wondered how it was for those who work for organizations with less flexibility. Before I worked at the university, I worked as a government contractor. Yes, I had benefits then, too, but not nearly as much leave time, and I was also in the billable environment of a contracting business. I wondered what would have happened if I had still been at my old job.
The other part of the challenge is one of culture. Talking about grief and death does not come easily for most people. I realized during the first week after my wife died that those around me, close friends, and close friends of my late wife, were sometimes paralyzed from not knowing what to say or do. I could sense their hesitancy, and I imagined they were asking themselves: “Should I talk to John or not?” “If I ask him about his kids or late wife, will it trigger him?”, and so on. I noticed this hesitancy among friends and neighbors, and also with colleagues.
That experience motivated me to write an email to my colleagues as I returned to work to give them some guidance on how to engage with me, and, perhaps more importantly, that it was okay to engage with me. In fact, I welcomed it. Here is an excerpt from that email:
“…[M]any say they “don’t know what to say.” Well, I don’t either much of the time. There are no good words for this, so don’t worry about words. [And t]here may be times when I am in a meeting and I will need to excuse myself. Let folks know this is normal. I may be going to the restroom, or I may just need some time to myself. Not for others to worry – please proceed with the meeting.
A number of people have asked how they can help. Given the … details surrounding Amy’s death, there are a number of logistic type things I need to deal with over the coming weeks, if not months. The flexibility of time and schedule is the number one gift this community can provide.
”Developing policies on managing and supporting grief seems challenging at best and counter-productive at worst. Grief shows up differently for each person. It may be debilitating from the start, or there may be a delay. Some deal with grief differently because of cultural or religious reasons. Some begin experiencing and dealing with grief before a death, as when it’s from a long, terminal illness, such as cancer. Others, like in my case, experience grief as an overwhelming eruption after a sudden and unexpected death.
Based on my experience, here are some suggestions for organizations when employees are experiencing grief:
- Maximize work time flexibility: Flextime, remote, and telework strategies offer a first good step to allow someone experiencing grief to attend to new life requirements. These can include time to seek counseling, deal with unexpected financial or legal complications, and arrange for new child care support.
- Allow sick leave and leave without pay to extend any bereavement leave. Grief can be paralyzing. It took me days to feel safe driving as grief-induced disorientation and dizziness slowly subsided.
- Supervisors and colleagues can provide assistance to the grieving worker by temporarily shifting or reassigning work. While some may deal with a loss by throwing themselves at work (which may have long-term negative consequences), we should assume a steep drop in productivity at first, with a gradual return to “normal” over weeks or even months.
- Encourage colleagues to continue to engage with the bereaved as they have and also be mindful that the person grieving may or may not wish to engage. Also, suggest some new language for colleagues, such as saying “good to see you” rather than asking “how’s it going?” as is our common casual greeting.
It’s been over nine years for me. I’m remarried, and I’m still at the same institution, though in a different role. I realized I couldn’t keep up with the demands of the director position I was in and was fortunate to find a part-time role in a different department. I’ve heard from other widows who went through a similar job change within a year or two (or three) after a spouse’s death. So another suggestion for organizations large enough would be to consider flexibility in job assignments as those suffering a loss get back on their feet.
Organizations are implementing measures to improve employee engagement and create a positive work culture. It makes good sense for organizations to prepare for those rare events, like grief, that have significant workplace impacts.
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This post was previously published on Design.hr.com and is based in part on excerpts from the book Never Stop Dancing: A Memoir by John Robinette and Robert Jacoby, a story of grief, male friendship, and healing conversations.
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