It’s typical to spend our time and energy trying to figure out the narcissist, but at some point, we also need to focus on ourselves.
So first of all, no shade if you have found yourself down the endless rabbit hole of wondering WTF the narcissist is/was (and ever shall be) doing, thinking, and believing. Since they don’t follow the typical rules of human interaction, they can be confusing creatures indeed. And I believe that some degree of understanding the patterns and tendencies is empowering because it helps us depersonalize the treatment when we can see that well, it’s pretty much just what they all do.
But let’s also look at the impact these relationships have on us personally. The impact of being devalued, raged at, neglected, manipulated, gaslighted, and so on, is not to be underestimated. A metaphor might be that in narcissistic relationships we are plants deprived of water and sun. No matter what the reason, we need to get nourished again so we can thrive.
Good to know what sort of person does this so we can deal with them in the present and avoid them in the future. So please, spend the time you need making sense of things. Read the books, watch the videos, follow my blog :). But also, give yourself water, light and care so you can grow in your own life.
To mix my metaphors, I think of healing from narcissistic abuse as a three-pronged stool. One leg is understanding what this is, what narcissists tend to do so we can see our treatment as undeserved, unfair and not our fault in any way. One leg is understanding our own patterns and history so we can bring into awareness what needs to be loved and healed. And one leg is building strength in ourselves so we become taller and stronger than we ever have been before. When we combine all three, the healing is profound.
As always, I feel compelled to mention that a qualified (that is, trained in narcissistic abuse) therapist or coach can be of tremendous help with all three.
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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name.
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