I began dating a malignant narcissist named Dwayne in October 2013. It took eight months for the beatings to begin. From there I was being beaten, raped, and sodomized around the holidays, like clockwork.
Yea, I know, why didn’t I just leave?
Because whenever I was leaving Dwayne he beat the shit out of me. He only beat me when I was leaving him. He would actually attack me from behind as I was physically walking to the front door.
Sometimes he’d beat me so badly I couldn’t leave if I wanted to because I could hardly walk or I’d be so bruised up that I’d be ashamed to be seen in public.
On another occasion, he packed my clothes to kick me out but “changed his mind” before I could leave — so I had to stay.
Leaving Dwayne held dangerous consequences and one of my attempts resulted in him almost taking my life.
This is how I learned why so many victims of narcissistic abuse don’t “just leave” after they’ve come to terms with the fact they are in an abusive relationship.
Most victims of abuse are at their most vulnerable when leaving their abusers because that’s when they are more likely to be attacked, stalked, and/or killed.
Especially when the narcissist is a malignant one.
But, in May 2015, I actually managed to escape Dwayne using a strategy so clever that it not only gave me, as his victim, the upper hand but also ensured my survival. And all it took was permission.
…
It was May 2015 and I was back at home with my mom still healing from the last beating.
Dwayne had beaten me so badly that a nail hanging out of the wall had gotten stuck in my cheek after he backhanded me and I knocked into it. An infection started spreading across the entire left side of my face.
At this time, I would receive concrete evidence that Dwayne was still cheating on me with his ex, via Instagram comments he’d been leaving under her pictures — for a while. But one of them stood out because of when he left it. December 24th. Dwayne spent that Christmas Eve with me.
Meaning, Dwayne did this at my house, while in my bed with me. When I contacted him to bring this to his attention, we fought.
I don’t remember how it played out but I remember him doing the one thing narcissists do when they think you won’t leave them. He issued me an ultimatum, but he did it by challenging me.
…
Malignant narcissists are sadistic in their arrogance so when they really believe they’ve got you where they want you, that’s when you’ll see the full display of their sadistic nature.
I would get a glimpse of this much earlier on in our relationship, about a month before I caught him cheating on me for the first time, when during a nasty argument Dwayne told me to…
go fuck someone else!
I was speechless, shocked, and hurt.
Those aren’t words you play within a relationship unless you’re:
- a malignant narcissist who believes your supply won’t do it even if you told them to
- confident, as an abuser, that your victim won’t leave you for the disrespect of even giving them the option of being someone else
- already cheating
In Dwayne’s case, all three bullets applied.
I just didn’t understand this at the time but Dwayne’s next words were about to bring me to this place of clarity.
…
Once I exposed Dwayne, by revealing his Instagram activities, he flew into a narcissistic rage and told me:
You know what, change your number.
He said this because I was known for changing my number when my relationships ended. This may not seem like an ultimatum but it was and this is why.
- Dwayne was injured by me exposing his cheating.
- When he told me to change my number he knew he was implying a breakup but skillfully avoided using the words “it’s over”.
- He made the implication because he didn’t actually believe I’d take him up on his offer and change my number.
This, in and of itself, is what makes it an ultimatum and I had a choice to make, despite Dwayne not believing I’d make the one he never expected.
You see, I was supposed to refuse to change my number. I was supposed to fall apart and panic at the idea of him being cool with letting me go — or even wanting to. This is genuinely what Dwayne anticipated.
His ultimatum was baseless because the end result wasn’t supposed to be a breakup. But I was tired of the cheating, the abuse, and living in a constant state of anxiety. As fate would have it, it was me who was tired of him. I was fed up which is why his plan was about to backfire tremendously.
…
I don’t remember what I said verbatim but I agreed to do it before blocking him and disengaging for my own emotional safety. I fell asleep before I could actually change my number.
At 9:30 the next morning a phone call woke me up. I didn’t recognize the number but I knew it belonged to a (female) friend of Dwayne’s. When I picked it up his flying monkey said nothing and quickly hung up.
He had someone else call me to see if my number had actually changed and to see if his number had been blocked. I was so irritated I immediately got up and unblocked Dwayne to send him one last text message.
In the text, I thanked him for having his friend call me on his behalf like a coward to see if I changed my number because it reminded me to get it done immediately. But then I said something else, something Dwayne wasn’t ready for.
I told him that since I never listen to what he says maybe this would be a good time to start since I’m so fucking hardheaded. I then blocked him and changed my number.
This was my own dose of reverse psychology because one thing Dwayne told me, at an earlier point in the relationship, was that I don’t listen — specifically, to what he says. This wasn’t true, this was just one example of how he’d gaslight me into believing I was the problem.
Little did I know that his saying this to me would become the single most important critique he’d ever give me because it would play the biggest role in me leaving him simply because… he told me to.
Me throwing these words back at Dwayne when he least expected it added insult to injury because not only was I abandoning him but I was doing it using something he instructed me to do, change my phone number. And like the good listener, I am — I was just doing what I was told to do.
…
My discard unexpectedly gave me the upper hand especially because Dwayne never banked on me actually changing my number and never looking back.
He didn’t actually think that I would leave him but considering the fact that being discarded would trigger him to the point of violence, him challenging me to change my number was foolish even if he didn’t mean it.
By saying this, Dwayne was actually ending our relationship since changing my number would mean zero communication between us.
Remember, I was at home, safely separated by an entire borough (I was in Queens; he was in Brooklyn). I’d also graduated so we were no longer attending the same college.
It was safe for me to leave Dwayne because of the circumstances. He couldn’t get to me and he couldn’t actually do anything to prevent me from leaving him.
And because of how dangerous Dwayne was I knew that if I ever wanted to get out of that relationship it would have to be on his terms. The trick with a malignant narcissist is to allow the discard to be their idea. I had to leave him with his permission. And he had given it to me.
Even though he avoided saying the relationship was over the command he gave me cut the lines of communication. Thus, ending the relationship by default. This was undeniably his fault based on this technicality.
Now, Dwayne was eating his words because he was dealing with the consequences of getting exactly what he wanted. That’s what made this strategy so powerful, it’s the perfect application of reverse psychology.
It’s the perfect opportunity to free yourself while giving the narcissist a taste of their own medicine.
© Linda Sharp 2023. All Rights Reserved.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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