When Life Sends You Immense Pain

If you are familiar with any of the above than you know pain and heartache intimately. My heart goes out to you. As do my prayers.

I am almost fifty years old, and life has been a mix of extreme joys and happiness but also deep and abiding sorrow and suffering. That is probably true for just about every human being alive. Including you. So how does one “make it” on this roller-coaster called life? I’ll tell you how I’ve been thus far.

“The Problem of Pain” is not only a fantastic book by C.S. Lewis but the phrase itself sums up why so many people have such difficulties in life. The problem of pain can be summed up in a singular question, “If God exists, why is there such agonizing pain and suffering?” or simply, “Why am I so darn unhappy [anxious] [angry] [etc.]?” Pain is a real problem for all creatures. Why do you think so many people have addictions? Addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex, the Internet, success, fortune, progress…. To be clear, drugs (legal) are not inherently evil, nor is alcohol, or sex, the Internet, success, fortune, or progress.

So, have you ever examined where the problem actually lies? If created things are not the problem, and they are not (taking out of course the devil himself), then what is the problem? Why so many fights? Why so many misunderstandings? Why so many stinking problems?? Well, I think we must examine the human heart to find out why. When I say “heart” I am not talking about the organ in our body that pumps blood, nor am I talking about the part of us that is overly subjected to feelings and whims. I am talking about the part of us that contains our intuition, thoughts, and feelings, all living together. For we can’t segregate the parts of ourselves and separate them into small neat little groups. At least not for the long run. We are one being, though we can tend towards duplicity and confusion in our woundedness or ignorance, we are still one. So…..the heart.

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To me, the heart is the core of who we are. The “place” where we are motivated to wake up and make a living. The “place” where we decide who we are going to be friends with. The part of us where we experience life very deeply and intimately. Again, to me it also encompasses thoughts and intuitions, not a mere swirling ocean of feelings alone. Though feelings are quite necessary in life and exist in the heart as well. But many hearts are wounded and when a wound occurs very early on in life or is very sudden it can rock our world.

Take divorce for instance.

When it comes to divorce, there are many people out there who says that kids are resilient. That they will be OK should their parents get divorced. They even have divorce parties. Maybe you have? No judgment but realize what your kids are truly going through. Mind you, some divorces are necessary, but I would venture to say most are not. Most are due to really bad feelings and not having the tools to work on the relationship. But as a child of divorce, I can tell you how I experienced it, and still do to this day.

My parents were divorced when I was about 2 or 3 years old. I don’t remember a time actually living with my birth father. My earliest memories of family are living in an apartment with my stepfather and my mother. As I grew, I remember visiting my father, with my older sister, on weekends. They were some of my happiest memories I have. But also, the most painful.

Seeing my father was like seeing my hero, someone I could fully relate to and someone who simply just made me happy. I remember going to the movies with him, watching “The Twilight Zone”, baseball and football games, WWF, playing football in the backyard, and just laughing a lot. It was like everything we did had joy embedded in it. But alas that dreaded time would come. Time to go home, Sunday night. Oh, the pain I felt. I remember going home after our visits and just crying and crying and crying, missing him so much. The pain of separation as a child may be the toughest. They don’t have the emotional tools to deal with such heavy events. Even if my parents had the best reasons to divorce, the wound would have still been there. It is a very real thing that is very often ignored today. Every love song or break up song reminded me of my father. My broken heart transferred those feelings of the abandonment of my father into those songs, and I cried some more. Sometimes you cry so much you think it will never stop. That being said I never spoke of this pain as a young child. I just accepted my situation the best I could. What did I know?

But man did I miss my dad. So even though my parents were divorced and got to start their lives anew, I am forever torn inside. To this day, I still feel that pain of that separation from my father but not nearly as intense. I have had plenty of time to visit with him over the years, he was at our wedding, at my children’s birthday parties and there for Christmas, but it seems like we never get enough time together. I am at the point in my life that I do not judge my mom and dad for divorcing. Though I wish it never happened. In addition, I now have a great relationship with my stepfather. I also have a good relationship with my mom. But I don’t believe burying pain is ever helpful. I have found that healing is possible through the power of forgiveness. It works for me! I want people to forgive me for being a bonehead at times! LOL If we do not harness the power of forgiveness, the wounds inside will manifest themselves in other ways, harmful ways.

Time went on and I eventually married my lovely wife. Now that I am happily married my wife and I had to endure much. This does not mean that we wallow in self-pity. Self-pity never works. Though when that temptation tries to rear its ugly head, we vanquish it with thankfulness. Since we have been married, we have had four miscarriages, lost one daughter to anencephaly, (Lily) and have another daughter with a devastating genetic disorder called Alternating Hemiplegia of Childhood. We do have one healthy daughter as well. Both of our daughters are amazingly loving and such a blessing to us. Make NO mistake about that. But that being said, every miscarriage took its toll on us. We wanted nothing more than to have a big, happy family. But with every miscarriage, the years went by, and we lost hope that we could ever have more children. And we never did. I can also only imagine the toll it took on my wife’s body, hormones, and emotions. Ultimately, we have five in Heaven and two here on earth. As time goes by, the pain of losing Lily is something that actually, for me, stings more but I also become more accepting of it. When Lily passed from anencephaly it was not bitter as we felt God’s grace in a tremendous fashion. It was like grace from Heaven was poured into our hospital room. God was welcoming her to Heaven and consoling us. I was able to baptize Lily as well. This was a huge honor. But as the years go by, that particular grace wears off and the bitterness of death remains. It stings. You have hopes and dreams for your children and when you realize those will never be reached it is bitter. Some people get resentful and angry, but I realize this will not help the situation. I believe Lily is truly helping us all get to Heaven. This doesn’t mean it is always easy for us.

Having a disabled daughter has been an incredible blessing but also has its bitter pangs. Our daughter Gemma is seven years old, and she may never talk or walk, nor can she stand on her own. She is about as tall as a toddler. She will never get married and will always be dependent on us (my wife and I are more than happy to take care of her). Her genetic disorder, AHC, has some terrible symptoms such as paralysis accompanied by excruciating pain, seizures, migraines, and for Gemma, major developmental delays. Thank God she doesn’t have the more excruciating symptoms. We are told they may come as she ages. Please God, no. Sometimes the unknown is the most painful. The questions can haunt us. Will Gemma suffer more in the future? Will she ever say, “I love you”? Will she be able to make friends? You really can’t let the questions haunt you however, those kinds of things will drive you nuts. It’s best to stay positive and hopeful and with the grace of God we do that, most times. That’s the key though. Don’t let yourself be overcome with darkness, doubts, and negativity.

The fact that Gemma is so loving helps us tremendously! Our daughter Lai Lai is a huge blessing to us as well. We have to look on the positive side of things and not living in a fantasy world of “what if?”. We deal with the negative things as proactively as we can, certainly not perfectly. We fail daily. But we keep going. KEEP GOING. By the way, I don’t look at the world through rose-colored glasses, but I also strive to not look at the world through the lens of negativity. Both are not real. In this life, where you put your focus is of tremendous importance. Thinking back on the miscarriages brings the bitter pangs of death back. But if we don’t allow ourselves to advance beyond those memories, we don’t stand a chance. I have come to believe that the bitterness is fertile ground for growth.

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When I was younger, I lived in a world of self-pity and fear though I can’t say I was fully aware of it. My emotions led the way and people affected me tremendously. I allowed others to have too much power of the way I felt and the way I led my life. Once I realized that I don’t have to live that way, I experienced an incredible freedom. I think we all get stuck in these negative patterns from time to time. These negative patterns include jealousy, envy, greed, pride, lust, you name it, but they are the reasons we have such problems in this world. Delusions of grandeur or self-hatred rule too many people. So, my question at the beginning of the article, if created things are not the problem, what is? You see, it’s our hearts that are the place of healing or the place of poison. We can heal or poison those around us and allow others to do the same to us. That being said, we can allow pain and suffering to make us better people or make us bitter people. The problem of suffering causes an immense amount of turmoil in the world, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Keep going my friends and choose the good path.

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Previously Published on medium

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Photo credit: Craig Glantz