When You or Someone You Love Gets Angry

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Anger has become one of the hardest emotions to handle – let alone express. Over time when anger is abusive, it can destroy relationships and self-esteem.

If you’re concerned about your anger or someone else’s you’re in the right place!

Anger is still considered a “taboo” emotion because most people don’t like dealing with it. The most common forms are exploding in a rage or stuffing your feelings. One may look better than the other but it’s just as harmful.

How was anger viewed in your family?

Anger is learned by example. You might have grown up seeing anger as destructive, scary or something to avoid. Healthy role-models are usually scarce. How you handle anger starts in childhood. By the time you’re an adult, these patterns have already been formed. It’s helpful to examine what beliefs may be contributing to your anger today.

Here are some common messages you may have heard growing up:

• Children should be seen and not heard.
• Feeling angry isn’t okay.
• Only adults can be angry.
• Women are viewed negatively when angry.
• Anger is scary and people can get physically hurt.
• Disagreements lead to trouble.
• Conflict should be avoided at all costs.

Fortunately, the stigma attached to seeking help has decreased. People now recognize rage and passive-aggressive anger as a serious problem. Managing anger makes a huge difference in relationships because it makes the other person feel safe.

Increase your Knowledge about Anger

There are many different emotions associated with anger. When you understand the feelings that accompany anger, you can recognize them before they escalate.

Annoyance/Irritability

Do you notice that irritability causes your focus to become more negative? These feelings continue to build until you deal with them directly. Unexpressed upset leaks out in passive aggressiveness and resentment. Feeling annoyed is okay, letting it fester isn’t.

Resentment

Holding onto past hurt leads to resentment. This can go on for years until you’ve reached your limit. As the person feeling the resentment, you suffer the most. Ironically, the other person usually has no idea. Not speaking up keeps the negative, “poor me” story alive.

Accountability changes that story because acknowledging your behavior often lessens the resentment. It helps you feel more empathetic towards the other person which promotes resolution.

Feeling like a martyr

Feeling like you’re being taken advantage of creates a sense of martyrdom. Thinking that no one understands you become the story. You fall into self-pity but it’s the attachment to suffering and telling the story over and over that defines martyrdom. When these stories begin to define you, it can drive friends and family away.

(This should not be true if you are a victim of abuse.)

Hurt

Styles of anger

Sometimes anger is easier than admitting hurt because it feels less vulnerable. Expressing hurt is a not sign of weakness. Those are old beliefs that no longer serve you. They bind you into silence.

Stuffing the hurt creates stress and relationship problems. You start to feel invisible so you distance yourself.

If you simmer…

• Pay attention and rate your stress level.
• Are you holding on to resentments?
• Speak up early if you’re upset.
• Use journal writing to express yourself.
• Get it out of your body and exercise!
• Use meditation to get in touch with feelings and release them.

Rage

Exploding anger or rage has lasting consequences in relationships. It creates severe trust issues, terror, poor role modeling for children, and abuse. Admitting you or someone you love needs help is the first step.

If you explode…

• Watch your stress level throughout the day.
• Rate it from 1-10 1 being not stressed to 10 being enraged.
• Know your triggers, what tends to provoke your anger?
• When you know your triggers, plan ahead to do something to calm down.
• Use time-outs EARLY to avoid yelling or abusive behaviors.

What does anger look like?

Here are some early warning signs of anger that need your attention. Catching these signs before they escalate can prevent abusive anger.

Physical signs: rapid heart rate, sweating, muscle tension, teeth clenched, stomach or headaches
Emotional signs: feelings of irritability, annoyance, frustration, helpless, powerless, fear, self-pity, martyrdom
Behavioral signs: pacing, swearing, throwing things, slamming doors, walking out etc.

Check Your Tone

One of the first things you notice in a person is their tone. Most people don’t realize when they have a harsh or condescending tone. To them it’s normal, or they grew up in a house where that kind of tone was considered normal.

You may be totally unaware of your tone until it leaks out. Changing tone of voice can greatly improve communication. You can tell a lot about a person’s stress level in how they speak. If you sound pleasant, it sets a different tone, especially with difficult people.

Tips for Handling Anger

Here are some helpful tips to handle anger effectively and avoid abuse:

• Rate your stress level from 1-10 (10 being rage) throughout the day
• Avoid profanity and blaming statements
• Be accountable for your behavior
• Walk away if the conversation gets intense (be sure to tell your partner first)
• Communicate your feelings before they pile up
• Get regular exercise to relieve tension
• Get a hug, studies show it helps
• State your feeling, then a fact – “I feel upset when you’re late.”
• Avoid judgments or character attacks

There is a fight or flight response that happens when you get angry. Your body starts to sweat, heart rate goes up, you may feel blank or confused. The brain cannot process information at that point. The ability to hear your partner correctly is greatly reduced. This is absolute worst time to sort things out.

How to Protect Yourself from Someone Else’s Anger

Watch for the early warning signs of someone’s anger. Usually you can see it coming. This gives you time to remove yourself safely. Always validate their upset as a way to connect and help them feel understood. Say something like;

“I can understand why you’re so upset. This is really difficult.”

You don’t have to agree with them to validate the situation!

If you feel unsafe, make a safety plan. Gather money, extra car keys, a bag of clothes, important documents and keep them in your car. If you have been abused or feel threatened call 911 or the police for help. There are support services available.

If you’re afraid of other people’s anger here are some suggestions:

• Breathe and use positive self-talk
• Make sure you have plenty of physical space from them
• Don’t take it personally, it’s not about you (even if they say it is)
• You cannot MAKE someone angry
• You can only control how you respond
• I statements work well to avoid escalation
• Take a time-out if you feel uncomfortable
• Avoid telling the other person to take a time-out

Learning how to handle anger can greatly improve your relationships and keep you safe. It takes practice but these skills are simple to implement. Pick one thing to change and go for it!

What’s one thing that you could practice today about your anger?

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This post was originally published on counselingrecovery.com and is republished on Medium.

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