It took me years to understand that “where there is fear there can’t be love.” I was terrified of my husband. I walked on eggshells, I went out of my way to make sure everything was perfect, and of course it was never perfect enough. He would come home and explode over the tiniest thing and I would apologize profusely trying to appease him. Who was this woman and why oh why was she so afraid of him and why did she want his approval so badly ?That also took me years to learn.
My marriage reflected the only thing I knew. I was taught to serve and make my husband happy. I didn’t question how he treated me. I blamed myself for anything that went wrong. I had to do better, be better. It’s what I saw in my home. There was no mention of my happiness or any of the women in my family. How was I expected to act and be different, I knew nothing else.
“Forgive yourself for not knowing better until you knew better”. This is my mantra now. I was angry at myself and I couldn’t forgive myself for not knowing better. But now I know better and I forgive myself and I am kind to myself. I am learning to love myself and accept myself.
Where there is Love, there is a sense of peace, protection, happiness, calm, and dialogue. Dialogue was non existent in my life. I didn’t understand what a conversation expressing my ideas or voicing my opinion was. And if I dared to try I would be beaten down by loud voices shutting me down, discrediting my every word and I would be ridiculed. So I rarely spoke up and I suffered years of sore throats, strep and a constant lump in my throat because I had no voice.
Writing was my savior. And as Pablo Neruda expresses so well….”I write, I write so I do not die”. Writing helped me channel the pain, disappointment, and shame of not being to speak my mind. To this day confrontation is hard for me, but I am learning to take a step back, take it for what it is and reply objectively and not defensively.
Previously Published on medium
From The Good Men Project on Medium
|What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?||My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me||The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex||The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence|
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