Rachel Miller-Bradshaw explains why we need the men in our society to pull boys back in when they step out of line.
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I have a serious situation going on in my family right now. One of my nephews is acting out in the worst way. At first we all attributed it to him being a teenager and his hormones are raging. We figured it is a teenager’s job to put their parents through hell. But then my nephew began to get really disrespectful and full of rage. This of course pushed my sister to point of feeling like he couldn’t live with in her home anymore.
We are close knit family full of women with my mother being the matriarch. During a trip to the beach recently my nephew, usually a guarded young man, expressed that he feels like part of him is missing since his father isn’t in his life. He honestly admitted that he knows that this is the cause for most of his behavior. I explained to him that no matter what he feels about his father’s absence that he should always love his mother because she loves him and provides him all he needs and even sometimes desires.
But there is one thing that is missing and my sister can’t provide it… the discipline, brawn, and effectiveness of a constant male figure in his like. As women we pretend like we can do it all and be it all but we can’t take away the fact that children respect and even at times fear their fathers or male figures in their lives in a way that we as women don’t evoke. Maybe it’s our loving and forgiving nature, our nurturing, or just our physical makeup. Whatever it may be, I’ve seen boys act up with their mothers and straighten up quickly when their father or another male figure in the picture steps in to check them.
This isn’t the first nephew I’ve seen go through this. Time and time again I have heard stories from friends, colleagues, and church members, all single mothers, expressing the behavioral difficulties of raising their boys. The commonality is the reality that these boys’ fathers aren’t active in their lives and there isn’t a male figure who has stepped in to fill the void. The community of earlier times doesn’t exist to help chip in to make sure boys aren’t in the neighborhood getting into trouble.
Today’s young men need constant structure in order to prepare them for tomorrow’s life challenges. I see this with my nephew who likes to go to bed late at night and then struggles to get out of bed in the morning for school or other daily events planned. If discipline is needed, a boy, is more likely to listen to his father whom he won’t even dare consider being disrespectful to or stepping out of line to. Boys need visuals. If they have a direct male figure to use as a model of what being a responsible man is, it teaches them in a more effective way than any program could do.
I believe my nephew will be okay because he does have male figures. He inherited a great uncle and has a great god father in addition to the pool of professional female family members that are helping to structure him and praying for him every day. My concern is really for the boys out there that don’t have this support. How to do we reach those? Do we continue to do all we can to get these fathers back in their sons’ lives, do we continue to tell women to make better choices in men or do we get back to a community mindset?
Whatever should be the plan we have to do it soon because we have a lot of boys stepping out of line and we need the men in our society to pull them back in.
Photo: 78428166@N00/Flickr
Maybe for you guys. But here in Brazil you don’t even call your Mother “you”, but “Senhora” (mistress). We also have many single mothers, they do educate and control their children just fine. And no, we don’t shame single parents when some of them just aren’t being able to control their kids, but help them. I see many problems in the comments here. Shocking, in fact, the lack of empathy some of these men are showing. But then again, we can read American men talking like that everywhere on the internet. I can see how gender role and the way… Read more »
Thank you all for your insight on the article. The premise of the article was to discuss a personal family to address a larger issue in our society with boys and a link to the necessary guidance MEN can provide them. Putting aside patriarchy and feminism there are in fact gender roles. Throughout my research and producing my film On My Own trailer here- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uocn8sC8Zo0- I have learned that “fathers” have specific roles. They teach children discipline and how to be effective. Promoting this in no way negates the important roles mothers play. Mothers are nuturers, loving, and the carriers.… Read more »
Are we really saying that there are no children who are respectful,if not,down right petrified of mom’s authority? it seems logical to assume that there are now and have always been men and women who,due to circumstances,have been THE ONLY parent of girls and boy’s.Both parents are needed because they ARE parents and no further justificatiom feels necessary.I remember clearly my ex telling me—“the boy’s need you now because they won’t listen to me anymore.” When they were easier to handle,presumably,they did not need me.Meanwhile,our daughters behavioral issues at puberty,which were worse than the boys,never resulted in her needing her… Read more »
This article is not about patriarchy or male privilege. It is about how important the role mothers and fathers play in a child’s life. The fact that young boys respond to other males is a primal thing. It does not mean the child respects the mother less but it speaks directly to gender roles within society and their importance. Sadly gender roles are under attack.
You’re right, it wasn’t about patriarchy or male privilege but both are often times underlying tones. “Sadly gender roles are under attack.”……. I could not agree more. And it’s very sad that it’s happening in that it only nurtures the belief that the genders are the same. It’s like taking a square peg = men and a round hole = women and try to force the peg into a hole. The only way it will work is if you shave off the peg to fit in the hole. Accordingly society is chipping away men so that they can fit what… Read more »
But I see that many American men, when facing the opportunity to be better and have a wider choice about their masculinity, will still believe that is somehow “hurting their true masculinity”, that people want to “weaken” them somehow. We cannot give something when someone is not willing to accept it. I see American men hurting their own gender and castrating themselves and one another all the time. Yet they have all the power to make things happen to them, and the biggest influence to change the world and bring peace. The sexes are different. Gender is not even binal… Read more »
Funny how the feminists came out in full force against Hobby Lobby and their removal of 4 out of 20 contraception’s but still NOTHING, no campaigns, no rally’s for the dads that have been screwed over in the courts.
Oh wait …. I forget, it’s male privilege and patriarchy.
I firmly need to believe that society needs to sort this out. I am a father of four who’s ex wife has basically cut me all but out of the picture for explaining darwinism to my son after he asked me a direct question. Little did i know that answer would cut me out of the equation. The fact is that even though she only lets me see two of my kids supervised by her so i do not say anything that could circumvent ger carefully placed christian views but this does not stop her from calling me when my… Read more »
Yet it’s obvious that women whine because they supposedly have their authority stripped? Sorry to hear about your situation David, it must be horrible.
IN so far as the law being changed? Not in my life time yet we hear how feminists are all on the side of equal parenting. They need to spend some time in family courts ….
I’m sorry for your situation David. And I agree with you about how things should change at a legislative level for joint custody. Unfortunately, your wife doesn’t realize the impact not having you around will have on the kids. Withholding you from their lives isn’t fair to you or hem. And your kids probaby won’t see it themselves until their adults. Hopefully they will realize that their Mom and Dad were human, both loved them very much, did the best they could even through the mistakes. Doesn’t mean your wife gets a free pass for what she’s doing but there… Read more »
Remember, Gloria Steinem said that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
So all you need to do is “man up”, and everything will be just fine!
Randy, not “man up,” it’s “women up.” It’s being all that a women can be. Feminists sold women a bill of goods, ignored men and told women they can do it all. Now that the results are in, and have been for quite some time, they want to continue to blame men for all their woes. They continue to ignore the stats that clearly show the adverse affects of fatherless homes and continue to blame patriarchy.
Tom, are you trying to tell me that St Gloria wasn’t right here?
I’m shocked, I tell you. Shocked.
LOL, don’t be too shocked. Nonetheless you’ll never see anything other then praise about her.
“As women we pretend like we can do it all and be it all but we can’t take away the fact that children respect and even at times fear their fathers or male figures in their lives in a way that we as women don’t evoke.” This is because society doesn’t see women as having authority or as someone who should be taken seriously. If women were better respected in society, the discipline wouldn’t be a problem. It’s our cultural belief that what men say and do has more merit and show be respected. It’s not about women not being… Read more »
That is pure nonsense. A male presence brings something different, that’s all.
And what is that “different thing”?
Again, you can disagree that society still not seeing women as having authority or as someone who should be taken seriously is the actual the root for many women not being able to control their boys. But please don’t try to deny or make less of women’s experiences on the subject of respect and the way they damn sure know how they are still treated and viewed in the American culture.
Lynn,I disagree. You said “It’s not about women not being able to create boundaries or discipline, but a culture that teaches boys that those boundaries have no merit and can be ignored, because society at large ignores any authority that a woman may have and shames the women who do hold authority. (just like a bunch of teenagers will also do)” …. This is a cop out and is no more then an excuse so as to not take responsibility for how children are being raised. The so called “society at large” are mostly women. The same women who are… Read more »
It’s not a cop out. I think of you talked to women, you would find that pretty much just about everyone of us has experienced a situation where we were undermined because of our gender and not given respect because we weren’t men. I’m a 30 something year old woman Tom. I am looking for a new car. I asked my older brother to come with me to offer his advice. He was just there for support. Just about every car salesman I dealt with, even after knowing we were brother and sister, talked to him as if it was… Read more »
I was speaking of “parental authority” where I don’t believe that “moms” are stripped of their authority. In so far as other situations, I’ve personally found that when shopping for furniture and appliances with my wife,the sales staff generally speak to my wife and not me. It’s a two way street and a good salesman should be qualifying their customers. Try going to a paint department with your wife. Guess who they speak to? It’s a two way street. But as I said before, I was referring to parental authority and when it comes to single mom’s and there is… Read more »
You and your wife going to buy appliances and paint and the men addressing her over you in those cases is not the same thing as an unmarried woman going with her brother to shop for a car and still having the men address him mainly even after knowing I was the one purchasing the car and that he was my brother. That’s not the same situation. You and your wife going to shop for a car where they mainly address you is sexist. But a woman going with her brother and still not being directly addressed is simply audacious… Read more »
How is it not the same? Man / women … women got the attention. In your case, did the salesman know that it was your brother? If so, I would say that most women who bring a male with them to buy cars are doing so to help. The truth is that most women are not as in tune with cars as men. It says nothing good or bad but is simply the way it is. As I said, a good salesman would qualify the customer, there must have been something about the situation that led the salesman to relate… Read more »
As I said, the boys are generally well behaved. But there was a marked difference when dad was around. As with many who have a mom and dad, you will often times see dad as the disciplinarian. And why is that? The proverbial “wait til your dad gets home.” And is that so wrong? But with so many boys being raised by single mom’s, that option isn’t available. So now what? When are women/moms going to take ownership for how they’re raising their boys?
So true…boys need men in their lives…to look up to and model…
Every day my husband and I get up and go early to the gym…lately, my almost 14 yo son has been getting up with us to work out…he is modeling his dad’s behavior…he also loves to play guitar (just like his dad)…you can talk until you are blue at kids, but what they see is your behavior and all the body language and the unsaid things….
The boys are watching what you do…
Rachel, this is not an uncommon problem these days. And yeah, boys need men in their lives … stats clearly show that boys and girls for that matter need dads. You’re somewhat fortunate to have brought your concerns to a place like GMP where although it’s a feminist site, it’s not a rabid site where some females would rip you apart for even mentioning that dads may be better equipped to deal with boys. But the stage has been set where more then 50% of kids are raised by single moms and it’s become socially acceptable. Dads/men/boys are and have… Read more »
What makes this a feminist site? How have you defined that? Yes, males are totally needed. As are fathers who are equally important in the life of young boys AND girls. Kids need older men to mentor them. But it doesn’t matter how many times this is pointed out because a lot of the same old rhetoric is still used against women to imply that women are the ones holding men back from being active parts of their own kids lives. A lot of men choose to become disengaged all on their own. I don’t think something is *wrong* with… Read more »
@ Erin How were the men behaving? Did the boys behave because they respect the men more or did they behave because they were modeling their behavior on the behavior of the gender that they identified with? Boys love their moms. My mom still thinks I’m an angel. This may not stop a boy from doing dumb / dangerous / distasteful things, but he doesn’t want his mom to know. A friend of mine was shot about 25 years ago. His mom still doesn’t know. You might fear your mom when you’re 5 and if a child that young doesn’t… Read more »