Why Do People Cheat?

Have you ever wondered why the fear of being cheated on is sometimes lurking around the corner even when you are in the most secure relationship? Worse, keeping thinking about it can pose a potential threat to the happy current relationship that we treasure dearly. One of the reasons I can think of: we are afraid of the UNKNOWN.

Do not get me wrong here, I bet that amongst those who are reading this, there are some already being cheated in the past or right now drowning in emotional turmoil because of the very same reason. Ironically, experiencing something does not mean that you know everything about it. It can still remain a totally foreign concept since it hurts us so bad that we rather keep our distance and stare at it from far.

What I refer to as “UNKNOWN” is not the experience itself, it is the knowledge about our own emotions, why we feel the way we do; how we perceive infidelity and how it is defined, why people cheat?

What I have learned about every clusterfuck in life is: The only way to be OVER is THROUGH. Think about it this way, we already suffer, may as well create meaning for that suffering and learn something about it. Calmly navigating through unwanted circumstances enables us to regulate our emotions.

I am not the expert, but I will try to put together my personal experience and some of my favorite psychologist’s refreshing perspectives about this to help you understand infidelity better. Remember, understand, not justify!

What is infidelity?

“To define is to limit” — Oscar Wilde

Please bear in mind that a solid definition is not what we’re after, we seek a framework that helps us to make sense of the situation and communicate deeply with who we love, but also wound us so deeply.

Psychologist Esther Perel explains that infidelity includes one or more of these three constitutive elements: SECRECY, SEXUAL ALCHEMY, and EMOTIONAL INVOLVEMENT. Since the experience itself is very personal and value-laden, this three-sided prism (but not limited to) is recommended as one in many ways to view our assumptions and experience.

Also, the brilliant sexologist Jack Morin came up with “Four Cornerstones of Eroticism”: a longing for what is not present, violating the prohibition, searching for power, and overcoming ambivalence. Incorporating these elements is exhilarating, and most of the time it is done unconsciously in any romantic relationship. These are often strongly present at the early stage of a relationship. In the later stages, their initial natural power winds down, and so it requires more effort and works from both partners to keep the sexual vibrancy and the erotic flow. Therefore, eroticism plays an important part in explaining why people stray.

Secrecy

“I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvellous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if only one hides it.”

“The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.”

– Oscar Wilde

By saying “I”, Oscar actively took ownership of this fetish for secrecy. Yet, I strongly believe that we all have a thing for secrecy, don’t we? If we ourselves cannot resist the charm of it, how would we expect our partner to? What could be more natural than being tempted? And what could be more undeniable than it takes a lot to hold out against the lure of erotic charge by having a secret lover?

Moreover, parties who are involved in a secret affair can act on a high degree of autonomy and control. Since humans are narcissistic by nature, we usually yield to the temptation of being in control and drive everything in the direction to serve our own good. Affair holds the space that people can create their own rules and thus, one can selfishly grant himself the right to pamper his every whim and fancy. Clouded by the pleasure of this control power, one is less likely to consider the emotional damage that his loved one is going to pay due to this transgression.

Sexual Alchemy

This includes more than the act of sex itself, it expands endlessly on the spectrum of erotism and desires.

There is always this tension between security and adventure existing concurrently in a relationship. In the beginning, we yearn for stability and security by demanding the fastest pathway to the person’s mind and heart. The more they are willing to share, the stronger the commitment we would feel. This ultimately creates a sense of familiarity. Ironically, later in the relationship, we long for newness and adventures. When it takes a lot of effort and honesty to admit and mutually work towards the excitement we once had in the existing relationship; it’s always easier to get that sense in the affair with a new person.

However, we should see clearly that, the need for both security and adventures, is a “paradox to manage, not a problem to solve”. When we mishandle this, either too much security or adventure can do unwanted harm to the relationship. Infidelity is one of the obvious examples.

“We are marked by the continual desire to possess what we do not have” — Robert Greene

What significantly draws us into a forbidden affair is the newness and desires it offers: the desire to feel desired, the desire to be heard and listened to, to compel attention. If we are not skillful enough to meet, sustain and resuscitate these desires at the right time in the existing relationship, the banality and familiarity will ultimately push us to look for these elsewhere. Our minds eventually drift to imagine we can feel more wanted and thus, pulled into the affair. Sexual alchemy is now even strengthened with someone new since they freely offer every desire that is absent in the relationship we are having.

Emotional Involvement

We give ourselves the entitlement to engage any emotions that makes us feel alive. The passion an affair offers can be really tempting. We do not want to deny those feelings since it would be an act of self-betrayal. The degree of emotional intimacy can vary depending on our cause of being drawn to infidelity. At the end of the day, since it is difficult to throw a net when it comes to personal emotions, we shall leave this to the characters in the affair to tell their own stories.

When we’re hurt, we always look for someone or something to blame. We make the act of infidelity a scapegoat: the fact that someone cheats on us, physically or emotionally, is the main cause of our suffering. So immersed in this state of blaming, we tremendously drain our energy, which can be spent on identifying the causes and establishing sound perceptions for the experience. In order to fix something, we need to figure out the problem, the same applies to emotion and relationships.

I hope that with all the above you will be able to lighten up the melancholy during troubled times and shift your perspectives, to look at infidelity with a pair of fresh eyes. That we are human and full of flaws.

How people love us is beyond our control. All we can do is to prepare if the relationship goes south: How do we perceive events in a way that lessens the emotional damage? How do we communicate, to at least get the compassion and empathy from the one who hurt us, when we grieve? How we set standards, so that end of the day, the pain we’ve endured is worth the love and respect we once received.

—

Previously Published on medium

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: unsplash