I’ve been scrolling through X in the last few months, and the trend is obvious. Faceless accounts teach men how to become “masculine” and “alpha” by throwing somewhat egoistic, controversial advice. It works well for getting engagement. The biggest personal brands in the world use controversy (think Donald Trump or Andrew Tate), and young guys flock to them. I used to love this kind of advice twelve years ago when pickup gurus were on the rise.
Advice like:
1. “You’re the shit. You’re the price. She comes second”
2. “Therapy for men is bullshit”
3. And my favourite philosophical, non-practical tips like “build your empire, and when she perceives your majesty, she will surrender to your leadership”
These flashy tips will boost any man’s ego, making him feel “confident”. But it creates lousy results with women, if at all (read all the life lessons I learned here)
”Masculine” doesn’t equal “big boss and nonchalant”
I used to think cocky attitude works well with women. I’d go out to a bar on Friday night, approach girls with my Swagger persona, and girls would react to me. “Oh shit!” I thought. “I got their attention! They even laughed and asked me some questions!” But as the interaction went on, I turned them off. It could happen in the course of a night or a few dates.
It was all about me, me, and me. All I had in mind was to bed the girl. I was the shit. I was the price. She’s lucky I even talked to her. Everything is mine for the taking. Watch me. However, relationships are a mutual thing. Even a non-serious relationship is mutual and has a minimum amount of mutual respect.
Then, I met a successful guy who was more “natural” with women. And realized masculine guys don’t have to be tough bad boys. He approached girls in bars with a big smile on his face. He looked at them with love. He gave them space to talk and showed genuine interest in the girls he talked to. He was also a go-getter. He had this classy approach where, if a woman got involved with him, they would win too. He created win-win situations for everybody.
In the year that followed, I met more guys like him. They were appreciative of women and got everything they ever desired. They could even be nice, god forbid. Once I shifted my mindset, my life changed. Girls courted me back. They showed interest like never before. It was almost magical.
Ditch the manhood advice you read online and observe reality
Observing reality with zero judgment can be a powerful exercise. After years of chasing my tail, I paused and asked, “What actually works?”
I looked at successful men at the bar. Or at the mall. Or at work, where you had Wall Street-type-of-guys grabbing launch together. I looked at how they dressed, walked, expressed themselves and even noticed their hairstyle. Then I looked at the women they had next to them.
Many of these guys weren’t classic “Alpha”. They did have a badass attitude. They weren’t super aggressive. They weren’t necessarily the money-making “bosses” you see online. Or hyper-competitive.
They were simply confident. Clean. Fit. Well-spoken and well-dressed. They could express positive emotions freely around others. And show they’re fond of other men they vibed with. They had a job they liked, with skills they worked hard to gain. When you talked to them, they never came off as show-offs. They welcomed your presence and respected you, as long as you respected them. And when you needed help, they were happy to lend a hand.
Girls felt comfortable around these men just as much as I did. They had the presence assured men have. An aura if you will. Cool, calm and collected. Not “Im Da SHiT, Who Da HeCk Are yOU?” type of vibe
The toxic masculinity movement won’t survive
I followed the rise of several “masculinity gurus” in the last twelve years. One thing I noticed is their audience is usually men ages 18–26. Maybe more. It’s no coincidence. It’s easier to influence men in that age range. In your early twenties, you’re more receptive to all sorts of ideas. You can even perceive extreme ideas as the norm. “The hell with this mainstream shit,” I said when I was twenty-two.
But truth is, most of my beliefs at the time weren’t mine. I was influenced by all sorts of men I met. As time passed, reality threw cold water in my face. My belief sets failed me. And the stuff I was taught from self-help was wrong.
It was a rude awakening. I had to get more “down to earth” help, like therapy, just to get my head in the right headspace. I don’t believe “internet masculinity” will survive. I think most of it is low-conscious content anyway. And the world is waking up to these false narratives. Men who wish to succeed must be honest about what works for them and what doesn’t. Honest about what serves their lives, and what serves their ego.
Conclusion
Big egos and controversy will always attract attention. And it’s always tempting to think in terms of the ego. The “I’M ABOVE ALL” mentality.
But masculinity doesn’t have to be loud and obnoxious. True masculinity is subtle. Silent. Full of inner strength and capacity. The capacity to enjoy the great things in life, endure the bad days, and lift others with you as you go along. You can be kind and masculine. You can be appreciative of others and masculine. A true leader is also a true servant.
Get my free ebook, “Life Lessons From Getting Rejected by Hundreds Of Women”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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