“This is the hardest of all: to close the open hand out of love, and keep modest as a giver.” — Nietzsche
A few years ago, someone I loved began to show behavior that I wouldn’t accept in anyone else. They were things no partner should be complacent about. Yet, against my best judgment, I chose a path of lenience.
I believed I was healing and empowering. Turned out, I was enabling. And our story ended a lot worse than it would otherwise.
In the aftermath, it became clear how common it is for couples to find themselves in the same toxic dynamic that I was once in. So I write here today, hoping to share that clarity with anyone who may be in need of some.
What is Enabling?
According to American Psychological Association, enabling is supporting harmful or problematic behavior — often unintentionally, by a partner or someone close — making it easier for that behavior to prevail.
Between bad hygiene and alcohol abuse, problematic behaviors can take many shapes. So can our reactions to them. The way we deal with a problem may actually encourage it even when we intend to do the opposite.
Been there, done that.
As our relationship matured, my ex grew unreasonably pompous. She would often talk about her classmates, colleagues, and even old friends in a condescending manner. Some adjectives she used are too much for most people to utter. And none of her ‘victims’ deserved that in the slightest.
After giving some benefit of the doubt, I eventually confronted her.
It backfired. She accused me of choosing her “enemies’ side.” The fight spiraled. At one point, I decided to drop it and take a more lenient approach to keep the peace. I rationalized that her behavior may be a sign of some deep-seated issue.
That failed miserably.
With time, my patience turned into complacence. Her bad behavior became the new normal. My attempts to bolster her confidence encouraged a few new patterns.
I went from opposer to enabler to accomplice.
‘Fixing’ someone is dangerous by design
Research found that the majority of the partners of people with alcohol dependence lie and cover for the problematic behavior.
The same emotions that make us want to help our partners also make us want to protect their feelings. We tell ourselves it is our responsibility to fix them although they should be in charge of self-correcting.
We lead them to a state of perpetual unaccountability.
They take our patience for granted, and playing the role of a victim becomes the new normal as we end up handing them a get-out-of-jail guilt-free card.
It causes inequality
Only in an unequal relationship can a partner piggyback on another.
Whenever my ex would get violent in front of our families or friends, I would make excuses to ricochet the blame off her. I’d even say she’s in a bad mood because of me.
Eventually, I became the official scapegoat.
When one partner puts up with the trouble and the other lives life unbothered, it becomes the new normal. Enabling partners often believe these are temporary phases and things will go back to normal.
But normal isn’t a constant. It’s a variable that assumes the face of whatever is abundant around it.
When covering up is abundant, it becomes the new normal.
Enablers overcompensate for inadequacy
It’s not always about fixing someone.
My ex had lost her father when she was very little. To keep her spirits high, her mom and her new dad began to say yes to everything. This inflated her ego, raised her entitled, undisciplined and unquestioned — something I realized a little too late.
As a full-time graduate student, I had neither the financial nor the temperamental means to keep up with what she was used to. It left me feeling like I lost my place to have a say in how she lives her life.
Ironic, because I never believed providing for someone buys me a license to intrude.
But relationships are shared spaces and partners have equal say by default. Standing up for what’s right isn’t an intrusion. That’s where I was acutely mistaken.
Enabling doesn’t always happen out of empathy and care. It happens out of fear too. Someone who feels like they are not good enough is likely to ‘forever hold their peace’ to make up for what they think they lack.
In pursuit of an elusive good enough, the good gets sacrificed.
Not enabling does not mean being dismissive
There are healthy middle grounds.
Setting boundaries is not the same as exercising authority. Drawing lines to separate acceptable from unacceptable at an early stage is important. And line-drawing doesn’t have to be authoritative. Or even unromantic.
Sharing how our experiences, upbringing, and beliefs shaped our values can do excellent scene-setting in a new relationship. Done well, this can implicitly set ground rules early on.
Responsibilities are unclear without boundaries
Saying “I’m willing to help you through this but you’ll have to take the lead and make changes” can go a long way into the proper assignment of responsibilities.
When they fail to see what they are doing wrong, stand your ground and tell them where the problem is. Make a case for how it’s affecting you both. Being inconsiderate and being complacent are two different things.
If they are negligent, take a deep look inwards and honestly answer the question, “Is this worth it?”
The answer should be obvious.
When we accept what shouldn’t be, we give the relationship a bad trajectory. We set ourselves up for inevitable individual and collective failure.
We end up resenting the ones we loved
When this brand of help appears to be a mistake, it’s too late to turn back.
Our patience dwindles, confidence evaporates, resentment piles up and we feel being taken advantage of. As our frustrations grow, we become even more controlling than we once wanted to avoid.
Since we once gave the impression that we will handle this together, we become criminals in their eyes when we give up on them and erupt.
Don’t enable. Empower.
Support is essential, but it shouldn’t be without question.
Trauma, suffering, and self-doubt can push a person towards a problematic lifestyle. Partners are supposed to create safe spaces for vulnerability and imperfection for one another to outgrow and overcome problems together.
There’s a fine line between doing that and enabling.
When we enable, we do both them and ourselves a great disservice. We relinquish control of our own lives to someone else’s vices and hijack their opportunities to self-correct.
Instead, giving the right kind of support means helping someone become comfortable facing their own problems, confident in solving them independently.
Sometimes giving the right kind of support means — returning to the quote I began with — “to close the open hand out of love.”
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Previously Published on medium
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