I’m going to keep it 100% real, because I nuked my marriage on purpose. I am a guy that supports marriage. I realize there are men who don’t appreciate the wife they have. I admit my errors, all the way from marrying for the wrong reasons, being prideful, staying for sex, and expecting my ex to grow up and get over things like losing her mother at 20 years old. Even the childhood scars ran deep. I didn’t help. I was not a good man. I blamed, I argued, I pointed out the bad and became so frustrated, I was no longer in love. I changed for the better and while the damage had been done on both sides, she couldn’t change, forgive or accept responsibility for her faults.
When the only theme song of your marriage you remember is, “Let it Burn” by Usher, you probably have stayed in something bad for too long.
REASON 1.
THE WIFE CAN’T FORGIVE THE PAST, BUT THEY STAY ANYWAYS WHILE MAKING SURE TO REMIND THE HUSBAND OF HIS MISTAKES.
In my marriage, I was faithful. I didn’t sleep with another woman. During our time before marriage, she slept with 2 guys, possibly a girl, so I did start another relationship for revenge. She did it 6 months into the relationship and then again 6 years into the relationship. As far as during the marriage, I am not sure, because she did go on a date with a guy with my kids.
The first time we were 2 immature people without a kid. The second time, she did it after our first child together. We got married 6 months after I forgave the second or third violation because I realized, I wasn’t a good man and I wanted to do better, for her and my kid. I felt it was the right thing to do. I wanted to start with a fresh committment and have faith things would change. They didn’t.
REASON 2.
IT’S REVENGE FOR SOMETHING WE COULDN’T GET PAST, LIKE INFIDELITY OR DISHONESTY.
It was 5 years into the marriage when I tried to nuke the marriage. I decided enough was enough. Time to push the button. She thought all those years that I forgave her cheating, I didn’t do nothing in return (I am not proud of it and it’s embarrassing to write). So I dropped the bomb on her and even though it was 13 years later, it was like it just happened. I wanted her to leave and it almost worked, as I found out during the divorce, that she had filed for divorce without telling me 5 years earlier, but she didn’t go through with it. She was always trying to get out of what she called, “A funk.”
We tried to get past things. There was counseling as a couple, and individually, but we were just on 2 different pages. I was going to church and growing in my faith and she wasn’t supportive. She admitted I changed for the better. I was trying different things to include her, but we still argued about everything. We only lasted longer because our work schedules were opposite of each other.
REASON 3.
WE FEEL WE HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. COUNSELING, VACATIONS, GIFTS AND WARNINGS THAT WE WILL DIVORCE, BUT IT’S MET WITH DISRESPECT AND LACK OF EFFORT.
The damage had been done but, what kept us together always was sex. That doesn’t last forever. You can stay in relationship or marriage so bad, for so long because of sex. It’s just because you don’t want someone else to have what you did. Guess what? If it’s bad enough, you never know sometimes if that’s already happening. Sex is not a reason to stay together, if you have nothing else but problems. I would say I wasted 18 years, but I was part of the problem and had a lot to learn from this. I will share the main things I did to save the marriage before I nuked it.
REASON 4.
WE REALIZED THAT WE HAVE NOT BEEN HAPPY IN A LONG TIME AND IT’S NO LONGER WORTH SEX OR KEEPING KIDS IN THIS MESS.
Before I nuked my marriage I tried one last thing. At this point, she had moved out the house. There was an argument, about not touching her things. I was paying the mortgage and I really believed, in marriage, that they were our things. Her things were anything she made a single payment on. I was a better man, but I decided to make a point. I put her 3 things outside that she kept saying were her things. She came with a Uhaul and moved all the things and moved out .
We tried to work on our marriage living apart. It didn’t help. It increased the bills, but I wasn’t begging her to come back either. Eventually I decided it was time to bring up divorce, but she thought as long as I was focused on church, kids and work that it would never happen.
I planned a trip to Hawaii. All I remember is arguing mostly through text and her almost not making the trip because I wasn’t about to accept her disrespect in Hawaii. She went and it was mid trip that I regretted it.
I was hoping this would get us through and we would get back together. I asked about refinancing the house, as we could have saved a lot of money. She said, “No, I don’t live there.” She must have forgot that I said, “This was only going to be for a year, and if we couldn’t get it together, we were done.” She got mad. She almost made us miss the helicopter trip I planned. Even after things went better, I knew it was a wrap. I filed for divorce a few months later. That still wasn’t enough. I tried to stop the divorce in the middle of it, but she chose to extend her decision 6 months just incase. The same week, I decided I made a mistake and the final button had to be pushed. That was to find another woman. I was in the process of the divorce and started talking to another woman long distance.
REASON 5.
TO STOP THE MADNESS, TO MOVE ON WITH LIFE AND TO NOT LOOK BACK.
I was too weak to move on. When I told her I was going through with the divorce and I liked someone else, she gave a last effort. Eventually I traveled to meet the person. She tried to keep it together, but it wasn’t for the right reasons. I found out she tried to move on and was talking to a guy but later decided she wanted to try again. I felt terrible. All I could see was more years of getting blamed for her misery. I couldn’t do it. I always said, “I gave it my best and when it’s done, I won’t have regrets.” She always said, “Why do better, you wouldn’t appreciate it anyways.”
On the court date she was a different person, who was worst than before. Lying to the courts, trying to make it seem like I took advantage of her and controlled her. The court even charged me with marital waste for traveling to meet the other woman. They looked at my credit cards and when I spent money out of town, they said I owed her half of the money I spent on my trips, dinners, and gifts. They charged me like $3500 and said I must give her half the money from the house. The house part is normal. I figured that would happen.
The marital waste part was a family court robbery and is why more men don’t file first. She had been sending money to her family and a mystery guy who seemed to pay her back, but it wasn’t marital waste for her. I told her the truth so we could move on, and they used that to suck more money out of me.
I wrote this because, many men are blowing up there marriages on purpose by cheating or wanting to be with other women. They think the grass is greener. I would say, it’s not worth it. You should let them know your not happy and try to resolve it, while becoming the best version of yourself. Take a long look at your methods your using to get your point across. What are the reasons your staying or should stay. If it’s only because of your financial well being, sex, or jealousy then it’s not a good reason. You will pay a heavy price regardless, but don’t blindside the woman. Take responsibility for your part. If you can walk away and say you gave it your all, then do your best to end things respectfully and peacefully.
Make sure you have not become the one who is boring, unreasonable, and lost your loving ways. Make sure you have tried flowers, gifts, vacations, dinners and counseling. Self reflect on how you have valued and treated her. If she is the one who fell out of love or didn’t feel you were worth the effort, then she will have to live with that later.
I hope you avoid pushing the button.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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