Let me tell you about this experience from the other side.
You’re flirting with a woman, and she sure seems interested. She does that thing where she bats her eyelashes, looks down then up all cute. Maybe she runs her fingers through her hair or looks like she’s making a little extra effort when she knows she might see you.
You’re pretty sure she likes you, and you’re feeling it too. You’re ready to take things to the next level, the one where touching happens.
You make your move. You think you’re being slick, though you know what’s on your mind is probably really obvious. You feel vulnerable, and exposed, and a little humiliated, but hey, it’s all going to be worth it in the end, isn’t it?
Not this time.
Because this time, she backs away. Oh, she doesn’t say no, not exactly. Maybe she stays friendly, maybe she tries to keep the conversation going, but it’s pretty obvious what just happened. You reached out, you took a chance, you asked for more intimacy, and she said…nothing much.
Before you fall into a pit of despair, stop what you’re doing and consider her perspective.
First of all, while it’s true that women get hit on fairly often by men, most of us are grown enough to say no when we mean hell no. We’re perfectly happy to physically leave a situation if it gets uncomfortable. We won’t invest the time and energy of flirting into a man we’re not actually interested in dating.
Second, consider the situation. Are other people present? Is it possible she feels a little overwhelmed, or surveilled, even spied on? Women judge other women for our romantic and sexual actions. If you’re gazing at her all moony, but she’s seated next to women she feels intimidated by who are analyzing her every move, this is probably not the moment to try to take things further.
Note: While men are often comfortable with outright aggression, women tend to go the passive aggressive route. They might subject each other to insults and subtle cruelties that undermine each other’s self-confidence. That is doubly true if the lady you’re into is plus size, or a woman of color, and the other women in the situation are more privileged than she.
Pay attention to your girl’s body language. If she’s shrinking into herself like she’s trying to get smaller, that means she feels scared. Don’t assume the person she’s scared of in this situation is you, especially if she keeps reaching out to you for more contact. Consider the power dynamics at play and think about giving her some space to sort things out.
Just like you sometimes feel intimidated by larger guys who seem to have it all figured out, your girl might get temporarily stuck on feeling inferior to the women around her. That goes doubly if those women are treating her like shit. The best thing you can do in that scenario is give her a little time to get her bearings, but make sure she knows you’re there if she needs help sorting it out. Sometimes what she needs most is a friend, even an ally. Letting her know you’re there when things get emotionally thorny will win you more points than ignoring how she’s feeling, or making it about you if it isn’t.
Third, if you’re not sure, ask! You don’t need to treat her like an orangutan at the zoo. You’re not trying to employ your anthropological skills to analyze her behavior like she’s an obscure form of life you’ve never encountered before. The two of you have language in common! If you’re not sure what’s going on for her, start there.
It’s perfectly fine and soooo refreshing to demonstrate you’re confident enough to ask for directions when you need them. There’s not one thing wrong with deploying your own personal version of the old-fashioned chestnut: do you like me? Check yes or no. Seriously! Most women would far rather a guy ask us how we’re feeling than just assume.
So if you do feel like she’s genuinely running hot and cold on you, ask her what’s up. On a “cold” day, ask her how she’s feeling. Ask how her day went. Tell her you’d like to hang out, but you don’t want to bother her if she wants to be alone. You’ll learn a lot from her response.
Sometimes women have bad days. I know, what a strange concept! We’re just like you. Sometimes your stomach hurts and your grandfather’s sick and you have a work deadline, and the last thing you want to do is try to muster up the energy to flirt with someone you’re trying to impress. The same is true for us!
Rather than rely on the social norm that people who like each other should respond the exact same way to each other’s presence no matter what else is going on in our lives, give her permission to be human and grumpy. Hey, maybe the problem is a misunderstanding between you two that you can take this opportunity to clear up.
Good communication really does do wonders.
Fourth and most importantly, manage your own emotions.
If you start feeling frustrated, back off.
There’s nothing more toxic for a budding romance than when one participant suddenly goes off the deep end. It can be confusing, scary, and deeply upsetting to watch. Doing this can make you lose respect for yourself. So when you feel yourself absolutely at your emotional limit, take a deep breath. Don’t come back until you have hold of yourself.
This isn’t middle school and the two of you are not on the playground together. That means if you scare her off, you won’t get a second chance. So rather than do something stupid you’ll regret, better to exit gracefully and give it a rest for a day or however long it takes until you feel better.
Don’t text ten times and whine. Don’t start dating someone else immediately, or bring a hookup to places you know she likes to hang out. If you start aggressively trying to make her feel bad about what was developing between you, you’ll probably succeed. Is that really what you want?
Men sometimes think that making the woman you care about feel just as bad as you do is effective communication. It is not. In fact, it is emotional abuse.
If you truly feel so hurt that you can no longer consider her feelings and needs, it’s time to take a giant step back. Whether the two of you are partners or friends or coworkers or even just acquaintances, she deserves better than to be treated like that. Sooner or later, you’ll remember that, and feel horrible about what you did to someone you care about.
Better to stay focused on what you actually want, rather than get swayed by the temporary appeal of revenge for hurt she might not even be aware she caused you.
There’s a reason so many women say there’s nothing sexier than a man who knows what he’s feeling and how to communicate it. Think about it!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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