Yes, It Is All Men

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Anyone (man or woman) who has made statements, or written articles, about the problems we see with men in society have received some sort of tone policing. “You’d get a better response if you acknowledged that it’s not all men” or “You’d get more men on your side if you softened your message.”

Would I? I’m not so sure. Because the truth is that the men who aren’t a problem don’t seem to come into my comments with this type of sentiment.

Here’s the problem with looking at men’s individual behavior: the patriarchy is not an individual problem.

The patriarchy is a problem at the societal level

One man’s bad behavior doesn’t cause systemic issues with women being hired. One man’s bad behavior does not create rape culture. One man’s bad behavior does not trample women’s rights.

Likewise, one man’s good behavior doesn’t fix it.

So, yes, I’m aware that not every man is a rapist. But as a woman, I’m also aware that far more men than you believe to be rapists, are. I’m also aware that there are wonderful dads stepping up and teaching their children, especially daughters, what to expect from a future partner.

But it’s not all men. In fact it’s very few.

And the men who aren’t stepping up, the men who are committing incest, rape, sexual assault, domestic violence? Those men are who our society is modeled after.

So if you’re one “good man”? Congratulations. But if you aren’t doing anything to change the problem of abusive men on a societal level you are still part of the problem.

I was just watching this video on Instagram…

and it occurred to me that most men have a real lack of empathy problem. What this man is describing is basic common empathy. How would you feel if it was being done to you? It’s a simple question that most of us learned in kindergarten, but most men have never actually applied it to women.

And that’s what I’m asking you to see as a “not all men’er.” I don’t think most men have ever put themselves in the shoes of a woman. And that’s why they don’t understand what they’re doing wrong.

If you are in a board meeting and you share an idea that you’ve been working with and are ignored, but then another man shares that idea and suddenly it’s seen as genius, how would you feel?

If you were a stay at home dad, taking care of the kids all day every day, and your wife came home from work, kicked off her shoes and announced herself too tired to be a wife or mother, how would you feel?

And if you weren’t interested in sex, but a bigger, stronger man pressured and coerced you until you gave in, or simply raped you when you wouldn’t submit, how would you feel?

It’s truly not that difficult to put yourself in the shoes of another.

In fact, I’m starting to wonder if there is no education gap at all

For a long time I thought maybe the questions I get are simply an opening for education. Like maybe if I just explain it with enough analogies and graphics, men will have an ah-ha moment and realize I am a person and not just an object of their fantasies. But I’m really starting to believe that the truth is men don’t care. Maybe not all men. But enough that the societal prejudices that are in place will always be in place.

Why would men, especially white men, ever want to dismantle the structures that keep them in power? Why would they want to dismantle the structures that allow them to get away with rape? Why would they ever want to create loving, balanced relationships, when currently they are using the time and talents of another and painting themselves the victim?

So yes, until the societal structure that keeps these power imbalances in place is dismantled and equality is the general rule, it is all men.

Someone responded to an article I wrote the other day sarcastically saying we should completely separate men from women. He said future generations would thank us.

He’s so close to the point, it’s basically about to stab him.

If you were a woman would you want to bring a child into this world? A daughter? The hellscape the patriarchy has created is a nightmare of epic proportions. And not just for women. It’s a hellscape for every woman and child, as well as every decent man.

So yes, random commenter, until we can dismantle the systems that have been put into place, I do think we should keep men and women separated. As it is, the most dangerous thing a woman can do with her body is allow a man near it.

I’ve always had a passion for writing, so a warm thank you for reading to the end. Comments, shares, saves, and tips appreciated.

I have turned my rough beginnings as a teenaged welfare mom into motivation to get educated (B.S., M.S.) and into a successful career. Now the mother of four adults, and grandmother of two littles, I work in Corporate America but write blog style articles on the many things I’ve learned about Relationships, Sex, Money, and Life in general mostly for my own healing.