You Are Not Your Pain — Don’t Define Yourself by Your Suffering

Do you ever feel like no one understands what you’re going through? Maybe you have some secret pain or struggle that others can’t see.

Perhaps you feel alone and isolated with your troubles. You might even view your struggles as defining characteristics of who you are as a person.

Do you ever feel like the world has it out for you? Maybe everything that can go wrong does, and there’s nothing good coming your way. You think to yourself, What is wrong with the universe!?

For many, life can feel like everyone else is just handed happiness; others get breaks while they’re left in the dust.

This feeling of being a victim and the world being unfair is something we call “victim mentality.” It’s that moment when all your disappointments, failures, and heartbreaks define who you are.

You think things will never get better. You give up on life because everything sucks so much. And even if things get better, you think or convince yourself it won’t last long enough for you to enjoy it.

If you often find yourself saying things like “I’m the type of person who struggles with…,” or “I’m always the one who…?”, you must learn to break from self-defining suffering and redefine your identity.

In his book, The Power of Vulnerability, author and speaker Chris Harder explains that “the problem with pain is that it isolates us and forces us to retreat into ourselves. When we are hurting, we tend to want to pull away from others instead of leaning into them. We begin to define ourselves by our suffering instead of the ways in which we have grown because of it.”

We all suffer at some point in our lives. Whether it be from the loss of someone close to us, a breakup, the end of a friendship, the death of someone close to us, some other unfortunate event, or even from anxiety or depression, we all have our struggles that make life difficult at times.

Beware of the stories you tell yourself

“The best people all have some kind of scar,” Kiera Cass once said.

In these moments, it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-pity and let that moment define who you are. But should one bad experience become your identity? Absolutely not.

We are all prone to letting our circumstances define us. When you identify as a victim because you’ve experienced so much hurt in your life, remember: you are not your pain.

While no one wants to be hurt by anyone or anything, it happens to everyone at some point in their lives. The question is — how do you respond when life throws suffering at you? Do you let it define who you are, or do you interpret it differently, rise above and become stronger?

When you define yourself by your suffering, you are practically permitting yourself to suffer for the rest of yourself.

T.F. Hodge said, “You’ll never cross an emotional bridge if you keep rushing back to the other side.

There are so many things we can’t control about life. We can’t control the people around us, the actions of others, or the things that happen to us.

What we can control is how we respond to those circumstances and what meaning we give them. There is so much more about you than what hurts you daily — there are positive traits about you that aren’t defined by what makes you broken and weak.

Life is never that simple or easy for anyone. There are always bumps, hiccups and struggles — it’s just how we manage them that matters.

Experiencing pain is a part of being human, and it’s something that we all have in common. But what separates the people who thrive from those who don’t is how they respond to their experiences. The same experience can make one person bitter while it empowers another person to help others.

Emotional pain is not permanent

“If you can sit with your pain, listen to your pain and respect your pain — in time you will move through your pain.” — Bryant McGill

The good news is: you are not alone! Everyone goes through dark times, and these things won’t last forever. The trick to getting through a tough time is learning from your experiences and using them as a stepping stone to becoming a stronger person in the future.

While there are no easy solutions to overcome emotional suffering, there are ways to manage and cope with it. One way to overcome emotional pain is by focusing on healthy experiences.

Control your suffering by being mindful of your surroundings — When you are in public, try to be aware of your surroundings and the people around you. This will help you stay focused in the present, avoid overthinking, and minimise getting distracted by your pain.

Identify the source of emotion — Once you become aware that you are experiencing an emotion, you can start to identify the source of that emotion. Once you know what is causing the emotion, you can work to find a healthy way to cope with that situation.

Take a healthy action on purpose — This can mean taking time for yourself or engaging in many other meaningful activities that will help you overcome the emotional pain that is holding you back from achieving your goals.

Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or a professional about how you feel— This will help them understand your situation better, making them more likely to be there for you.

Finally, do something physical to release pent-up emotions — go for a swim, walk or run, dance it out, do some gardening, or try practicing yoga. They can minimise stress, anxiety, and depression and boost happy hormones. Whatever it is, try to choose something that will help you feel better rather than just making you feel worse.

When you are tempted to define yourself by your suffering, remember your pain a temporary. Take all the time you need to get better. Moving on takes time. Redefining or changing the narrative takes time.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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