Dan Griffin meditates on masculinity, fear, and the importance of always questioning your beliefs.
If you had asked me this question six months ago, the answer would have been a resounding, “Are you serious? Do you know what I do for a living?” My passion and mission is to help the world see men differently. My mantra is: “we cannot just change the way men think, we have to change the way we think about men.” I speak all over the country about this.
I am constantly taking men and women to task for the marginalization of men’s needs and issues in fields of mental health and addiction. I have spent the better part of 15 years preparing myself for this work. So, answer the question: do you hate men? I see myself as a true champion for men and their evolving masculinity, but how accurate is that really?
It starts with “Eric,” a frequent commenter on GMP. First, I have to thank “Eric” for his thoughtful, challenging, and mostly collegial comments on various articles I have written. He has really challenged me to think about what I am saying and to be more responsible for the words and ideas I choose to voice. I do not consider myself to be one who is easily swayed by the opinions of others. I certainly have not been careless with the articles I have chosen to write. I have also chosen to take all comments seriously, recognizing we’re engaged in a dialogue not obscured by any peacock-like posturing.
As a result of his comments, I chose to take a deeper look at my opinions of men and what, if any, prejudices I might have of them—of us. I didn’t like what I found.
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So I read Jackie Summers’s recent article about experiencing abuse from his ex-wife. First, let me acknowledge Jackie for the incredible courage he showed by writing this. Second, it is important to get this perspective of domestic violence out there because it has mostly been one-sided. Despite all that, at the same time, I recognized myself as one of those men who kept asking the question central in his piece: “but, what did you do to deserve it?” I had to step back and really challenge myself to look at what he was saying, that his ex-wife had been physically abusive toward him without any real provocation. So he was sarcastic. So he crossed the line during verbal fights. But that is no excuse for physical abuse. Why is it so easy to believe that a man can be physically abusive toward women, but if a woman is accused of being physically abusive, there is still so very often an insinuation of the man as the true provocateur? Let’s not pretend—the whole issue of who is the abuser and who is the abused in the context of domestic violence is not and has never been as easy as some would have us believe.
There was the reaction of several readers to my post about “The Opposite of Man being Dick.” The piece was meant to be somewhat humorous and tongue in cheek. (A lot of people on GMP seem to suffer from Hyper-Serious Disorder.) Again, I was called out for a sexist usage of the word “dick,” which, when not a shortened version of Richard, most often refers to a man’s penis. The logic from my critics was that if we are going to be up in arms about calling men “pussies” or anything that seems to denigrate women’s anatomy, why don’t we have the same reaction when it happens to men? And, of course, calling a woman the “C” word is strictly prohibited. I hadn’t even thought about that—as one person said, why not say “asshole” instead of dick? Why make it so blatantly sexist and derogatory? Good questions. Could that have been a subtle reflection of some of my prejudice against men? Maybe. I was willing to look.
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To be honest, I have been afraid of men for most of my life. Fear is often at the root of hate. Men have almost always been someone to have power over or to protect myself from. There is the constant sizing up among men—friend or foe, weaker or stronger, smarter or not as smart, etc. Hell, I do it all of the time on GMP with other writers and commenters.
That I grew up with a violent alcoholic father has no doubt contributed to these fears. Or that I was the kid who was five feet tall my sophomore year of high school and had to get shots of testosterone in order to hit puberty and grow. Literally. I was the kid put in a trashcan by seniors. I have no doubt that my fear of men and my rejection of most of the traditional notions of masculine performance when I was younger has prevented me from clearly seeing—and celebrating—men.
I came to hate much of masculinity as a result of these experiences. I felt outside of its reach and ultimately found myself deconstructing masculinity standing removed from it. I swallowed many of the subtle and not-so-subtle indictments about men presented in feminist rhetoric and from larger society as a whole. I felt guilty as a man for the horrible things that were done and still are done to women across the world. Perhaps it’s because I knew there was some kernel of truth to those concerns and accusations about men that I discussed and debated day after day while completing my Masters degree. But I went overboard. By no means do I wish to completely distance myself from that devastating and inhumane reality. Fighting against the abuse and oppression of women has to be part of being a good man. But it cannot be done at the expense of men.
So, do I hate men? Unequivocally, I do not. And, in truth, I never have. But I have introjected some seriously distorted ideas about men over the course of my life. I had no idea. My exposure to these faulty opinions and prejudices are some of the many benefits from my involvement in GMP. Since its inception, GMP has been constantly providing a platform for men (and women) who wish to challenge the stereotypes of men, negative or otherwise.
You want to make a difference in this world with men? You might first want to ask yourself—and look deeply: what do I really think about men? You might be surprised by what you find. I certainly was.
—Photo @boetter/Flickr
what has happened to men? So many have become mean,abusive,lazy,and lousy fathers? They will cheat if they think they wont get caught.They want to hang out with their boyfriends instead of playing with their kids or helping with the house.The person most likely to kill you or assault you is your BF or husband.The one most likely to kill or hurt your child is BF or husband.Lets say youre a teen, you have your first bf.he date rapes you or begs you to have sex.”If you love me…” If you get preg. is he going to help you talk to… Read more »
Great piece, Dan! In my own life, I have been not so much afraid of men as simply frustrated by the whole masculinity thing. Even when I was a kid in school (and my experiences there seem to parallel yours on several points), I simply couldn’t understand why so many boys thought it important to be a man. My attitude has always been something like “Whee. Yay. Men. Now gimme a beer.” When I think about it, my attitude probably has to do with the fact that so many adult males in my life were damned reasonable people. I really… Read more »
Appreciate your honesty, Dan, and for your openness to share. We get to see an example of the intriguing polarizations that often occur within ourselves and how they shape our lives. You admit to loathing–fearing–some masculine traits. Meanwhile your profession is to advocate for men. We all have the phenomena of polarization. And it takes different forms. Sometimes it’s blatant (and potentially harmful): the homophobic preacher who himself it gay. Most of the time, though, they’re hidden and are used for good. Perhaps you’ve spotted yours, and we can see that you’re using it as motivation to help others. Thanks… Read more »
Thanks Brandon – yes, I think the saying is: he who has conquered himself is greater than he who conquers cities. I can see why they would say that – it is so hard to see ourselves clearly and really own everything about us – good and bad, or what we deem to be so. I do believe the more I make peace with those parts of myself that shattered or were shattered long ago the world becomes more and more peaceful. It really is an inside job
Great distinction here between hating certain behaviors and hating a whole gender. I think that distinction gets lost in the GMP debates sometimes. To that distinction I would also add distinguish among “indifference,” “not liking,” “hating,” and “fearing.” There are women who love particular men who don’t actually like men on the whole, and men who love particular women but don’t actually like women on the whole. Too often people see a preference or a dislike and then spin it up into some sort of social evil. I’m a guy who has usually preferred the company of women to men… Read more »
Interesting point anonymous male – I like the added nuances. I personally believe that when I accept not liking something – most of the time I have failed to try to understand it or I AM afraid of it. Let me restate: i have been amazed how many times I have not liked something or someone only to make an effort to get to know them/it and to have found myself wrong or having misunderstood or prejudged. Not always – but A LOT of the time. I have done a lot of “contempt prior to investigation.”
Dan thanks for this. Takes a lot of guts to write what you wrote and to look inside as thoroughly as you obviously do and have done. At the crux of this issue is both a personal and broader almost policy question about whether men and women and can be different and good at the same time. There is a way in which a lot of the chatter boils down to broad claims about men abusing women and women misunderstanding and in fact abusing men (or men abusing men because they are men). Do I hate men? Sure I hate… Read more »
Thanks Tom. I think now that men are really putting our voices in the discussion – in great thanks to GMP – we have an opportunity to have a real discussion about what it means to be good men and women – and men and women, in general. Without the fringes, the extremists, and those yelling the loudest from all sides to be the only ones who have a voice. I have a feeling – and you seem to be coming from a similar place – that most of us are going to meet in the middle. As I like… Read more »
Thanks Tom for writing your thoughts and opinions. It inspires me to see men calmly and clearly talking things out with regards to their gender and personal values. It is quite the contrast to the screaming, infantile or barbaric images we often see of men in media. By simply providing the forum for a conversation, it allows men (and women) to start challenging their core values and creating more peace and connection with each other. I think we all want more of that. I believe that in all of us is an abuser, a victim, an outsider, a hero and… Read more »
In general, I love GMP. I work in a 110-bed, all-male-client residential treatment facility for addictions.
My only complaint: Your articles are tricky to print out. Not everybody has online access, and I’d like to be able to share these more readily. Thanks.
Thanks for this idea Susan. We are looking into it.
Just poking my head in: frequent reader but infrequent commenter. Dan, I think you touched on something that’s a truth for most of us. One journey that we have as men is learning to be comfortable with ourselves, our own masculinities (and yes, I deliberately use that word in the plural), and among other men and theirs. We’re probably lucky that we live in an era in which we have more ways to credibly “be men” than ever before. For my part: I can relate to your story having been the nerdy kid that got picked on in school until… Read more »
Tom – i really appreciate what you said and how you said it. Have you written an article for GMP yet? I also believe that there are “masculinities” and that we should respect most and have compassion for all of them – because all men have a story that has brought us to where we are and who we are. Nobody would guess I have had the experiences I had – nor probably the ones you had. Which means that every man walking around could have had similar experiences – the prick on his cell phone cutting everyone off in… Read more »
Thanks for writing this, Dan. I think if you look back, you’ll see specific BEHAVIORS were what angered and frightened you… not the gender of the perpretrators.
And I share that. I hate bullies too. I hate thugs and morons, and I hate manipulators… of either gender. If most of the ones you encountered in your youth were male, you could have easily evolved a stereotype, lumping all the toxic behaviors under the category of “male” instead of in their proper box, labeled “assholes.”
It happens–but it’s good to recognize it and overcome it with some rational analysis.
Great point copyleft! Really great. While we so often associate those behaviors with men – of course women – it is much better to put them in the “ASSHOLE” box.
why is this site by default refreshes every 5 minutes?? I wrote a comment and it is gone before i post it…it is rather annoying…
i will try to repeat in short what I wrote:
Dan, wonderful article…your courage and honesty in sharing what you did is admirable, truly!
Eric, some interesting points…but what sticks out for me is how self-centered and mentoring your perspective is…it comes across even a bit arrogant (excuse my candor, I am Asian after all (here is another stereotype for somebody to pick on LOL)
Jyl, I’ve been called many things. I’m sure arrogant is one of them. Haha! In my volunteer work, I have helped families and individuals with health and a broad range of personal problems. I have worked with youths, families, and men. It is not my intention to talk down to anyone but perhaps my well worn path of helping and mentoring those less privileged comes through. You may also be picking up on my pride in being my father’s son. While he’s not perfect, he has always been a good father (and now grandfather), and I am trying to… Read more »
Ditto that. The automatic page refresh is annoying, especially when trying to make a post or reading series of posts by others…can’t find where you left off. Please fix this GMP.
Thanks jyl!
Dan – great piece. Thanks for the honorable mention. I am humbled. And, thanks for being willing to share your history. I better understand your perspective, given your upbringing. Now I feel bad that I didn’t exercise more insight, knowing that your upbringing may have been what shaped your views. My apologies. I was (and still am) blessed to have a wonderful father, who set a great example of being both a hardworking provider and a father who loved us, taught us, played with us, and disciplined us, unlike the stereotype of the father who brings home a paycheck but… Read more »
Eric – i think our relationship is exactly what we envision for GMP. It could have gone south at multiple times. When we take the time to connect – behind the egos and see the person with all of his experiences that have informed our opinions and ideas – then we have a chance to have a genuine interaction. I am very happy for you and that you grew up in a loving home. It is so important that you share your voice. There is so much cynicism about men and being dads. I am still waiting for your article… Read more »