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Dear Mr. Dad: My 13-year old son told my husband and me that his gender identity is “non-binary” and that he wants to start using different pronouns—“they” and “their” instead of “he” and “him.” We asked whether that means he’s gay, but he just laughed and said that there’s a big difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. I’m completely stunned and have no idea what any of this means. Our son offered to answer any questions we have, but we’re too embarrassed to ask him. Can you help?
A: Last year, my daughter took a class in high school on “social issues,” and she introduced me to a whole dictionary’s worth of words and phrases I never thought I’d need to know about (and some I’d never even heard of). Things like trans, non-binary, gender fluid, polyamorous, top- and bottom surgery, cis, dysphoria, and the ones you’re struggling with now, gender identity vs. sexual orientation. I’m going to devote this column to some basic definitions (we can talk about parenting strategies in a future column), but I strongly suggest that you and your husband sit down with your child and ask them (yes, “them,” not “him,” since that’s the pronoun they want you to use) as many questions as you have.
Let’s start with gender and sex. A lot of people use the two words interchangeably, but there are some important differences. “Sex” refers to the anatomical organs a person is born with (sometimes referred to as “assigned at birth.”) A person’s “gender,” however, refers to social roles and behaviors. As my daughter put it, sex is between your legs; gender is between your ears. It’s a little more subtle than that, but that’s a good summary.
The difference between sexual orientation and gender identity is similar, but also a lot more complicated. Sexual orientation refers to the type of person one is romantically or sexually attracted to. Someone who’s attracted to people of the opposite sex are “straight,” or “heterosexual,” while those attracted to people of the same sex are “gay” or “homosexual.” “Bisexual,” as you’ve probably figured out, refers to people who are attracted to both sexes. “Pansexual” goes a few steps further, in that the attraction goes beyond same-sex or opposite sex and may include trans people as well. Is your head spinning yet? Mine sure was when I first started learning about this. Don’t worry. It gets easier with time.
One’s gender identity refers to how a person feels inside, male, female, neither, or both. Cisgender (from the Latin for on this side of or near) is the term used to describe someone whose gender identity matches his or her sex. In other words, a boy or man who feels male or a girl or woman who feels female. People who feel as if they were born into the wrong body may describe themselves as “transsexual,” “gender non-conforming,” “non-binary,” or possibly even “genderqueer.” To complicate things further, some people may identify as “gender fluid,” meaning that they feel like a different gender at different times.
The more you learn about sex and gender, the better you’ll feel—and the more supported your child will feel. Again, take them up on their offer to discuss. Be patient. You’re all at the very early stages of a long journey and you’ll need to have more than one talk—probably a lot more than one. In the meantime, you may also want to check out a few resources, including Diane Ehrensaft’s book, “The Gender Creative Child,” GenderSpectrum, and Trans Student Educational Resources.
Previously published on Mr. Dad
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Photo: Getty Images
Armin, Thanks for writing this informative article. Its one that everyone needs to read.