An open letter to CNN Living regarding “The New Playdate Playbook” by Deborah Skolnik.
Dear CNN Living,
Though I am not a father myself, I am a person who feels that the role of “father” in our society deserves respect. I am also a person who supports tolerance and acceptance for all people, regardless of their gender, nationality, or religion. For these two reasons, I am deeply disturbed at the following passage from the article referenced above:
The Sitch: You’ve accepted a sleepover invite for your daughter, not realizing that only her pal’s divorced dad will be home. You’re not OK with it. What to do?
The Solution: “Call and say ‘I’m sorry, and this is about me and not you, but I just don’t feel comfortable with a man supervising an overnighter,’ ” says Paone. Offer to host the girls at your place instead, if you can, or ask to turn the sleepover into a “late-over,” where your daughter stays only till bedtime. In the future, always ask who’ll be on duty before you say yes to a sleepover.
So, here’s “The Sitch” – This article coldly slaps “divorced dads,” fathers, and men in general as assumed child molesters. I honestly wonder if you would publish an article that stated the above but instead of men, referenced a particular race or nationality:
“You’ve accepted a sleepover invite, not realizing that only her pal’s (racial minority) will be home…”
“‘I’m sorry, and this is about me, but I just don’t feel comfortable with a (religious minority) supervising an overnighter…”
If that wasn’t enough, statistics on child abuse show that 1. more women than men abuse children (see summary) and 2. female sexual predators are a real problem that is essentially ignored.
Fathers in general, and especially divorced fathers, get a lot of grief. They are not treated fairly in family court or in the court of public opinion. Suffice to say, it does not help when CNN Living casually labels them all child molesters.
My suggestion for “The Solution” – At the very least, I believe that CNN should publish a sincere apology to divorced fathers, fathers, and men in general. But perhaps CNN Living should also consider doing a story on the reality of female child abusers, or the struggles that dedicated “divorced dads” face. Better yet, why not do both?
Thank you for your kind attention.
–Mark Trueblood CNN Owes Fathers An Apology
Let us be honest here. Nothing will change because good people will do noithing. Here we are discussing what isn’t right, for some people they say fathers are needed but yet what is being done about it? Fathers have a bad rap because of biases that society has allowed. Laws, statues, rights are broken all in the sake of sexual discrimination where the father’s Equal Protection Rights are squashed. I have tried to fight a fight to get people to say that fathers are needed but yet I have no base, I have no one willing to fight, just people… Read more »
Good Lord, *I* went to sleepovers with just somebody’s stepdad present. I didn’t know I was supposed to be upset over that…. and I’m 54 years old. (rolls eyes)
Good work in challenging CNN on this.
I think CNN is just regurgitating what was on Parenting.com Parenting.com is basically a mommy magazine with a healthy amount of dad bashing. If anyone thinks what was printed on CNN is bad please understand that this is par for the course. Most so called “parenting” magazine and sections of a website are mommy glorification spaces (and at the expense of fathers). I am a stay at home father (by choice not by circumstance). I’ve been followed and confronted by police and mall security. I’ve been asked if I was doing anything “naughty” by strangers when I was playing on… Read more »
Why don’t men spend more time with their children? The article gives one reason why men may feel discouraged from doing so. This fear of predatory men is something perpetuated by both men and women, both men and women use this to their advantage, and at the same time it hurts both men and women. I’m not saying it helps or hurts them both equally, but this is a systemic problem, not just a product of women hating men. Fathers as well as mothers may be suspicious of men in charge of play dates. Generally, when a father worries about… Read more »
45 Years of Feminist Domestic Violence Industry Evil Lies… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWHppnJ8D2k We all have to Admit that here in the US and the Western World today we truly live in Misandric Society — Biased Against Men. Every Day Men are Falsely Accused as a way for the Woman to Gain Advantage in a Divorce, or as a part of an Immigration Fraud Scheme ( Google: VAWA False Accusations ), or for pure Vengeance… I started researching the issue and I found out that there is a ( Google this: ) VAWA Immigration Loop-hole … The next surprise I got was that… Read more »
AL VAWAhorrors, what does all this have to do with the article?
Hmmm… I thought it was obvious… but not to you I suppose.
This type of Misandric thinking is obviously the result of …
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAQZlT4TuwA
…45 years of “Feminist” Domestic Violence Industry Evil Indoctrination that is now Indoctrinated into Politics, the Government, Courts, Police and General Public, Encouraging an Epidemic of False Accusations of Sexual Harassment, Domestic Violence and Rape, that:
– Women are Good, All Men are Violent and Rapists!
– Women are helpless Victims, Men are Perpetrators!
– Women need Help and Protection, Men must be Restrained, Prosecuted and Jailed!
Al V,
Ok, you get the gold prize on this thread for red herrings. Michelle G, you will have to make do with silver in this case.
Hmmm… I take it you chose to remain blind to the reality that. For the past ca. 45 years the Misandric Feminist Domestic Violence Industry have been using the Dogma: – Women are Good, All Men are Violent and Rapists! – Women are helpless Victims, Men are Perpetrators! – Women need Help and Protection, Men must be Restrained, Prosecuted and Jailed! …As a Fund Raising Technique and to to brain-wash the public with the Sick, Venomous Feminist Doctrines which are: – spreading male-hate (Misandry)… – creating and encouraging ongoing conflict between the sexes… – encouraging an epidemic of False Accusations… Read more »
Excellent post. I posted something about this today, including a question: When do we cross the line of “this is about me, not you” thinking being used to justify our actions to “this is about me” thinking as an opportunity to look inwards to address our own biases. Click the link for more:
http://www.nycdadsgroup.com/2012/01/can-we-justify-bias-against-fathers.html
The question doesn’t give the ages of the girls coming for the sleepover. But I don’t think this matters much. It does seem unfair to father, to deny him from supervising the girls sleepover…and looks sexist in choosing a women over a man. But the way I look at this, is that this sleepover is equivalent to a ‘girls’ night out; and when women have one of those, men do not tag along! (The same is true for a men’s night out, right?) Some conversations include talking about the opposite sex, boyfriends etc…whereby females would feel most comfortable discussing amongst… Read more »
No, that seems like post hoc rationalization of prejudice. I say no from personal experience, ymmv. Here’s what I’ve observed. For prepubescent kids, they don’t seem to care who is supervising as long as there are enough pillows and blankets and popcorn. In my little corner of the world (which is a bastion of liberal tolerance), prepubescent sleepovers aren’t necessarily gendered anyway. They do require a nurturing parent, but plenty of fathers are more than happy to play that role if allowed to. Around puberty kids become more aware of gender during sleepovers, but still may have coed sleepovers if… Read more »
That is a bizarre justification and completelt ridiculous. Does that mean that mom shouldn’t be home when the boys have a sleepover?Try that one on for size and see what kind of responses you get. Honestly….
I’ve never had a girls’ sleepover, so I’m trying to put myself in that position and who I would prefer to supervise the sleepover. Nobody bothered throwing that question out to those girls, eh??? Well if I were a teenager again, and if you were to ask me to choose – I would tell you that I would prefer a woman, just so it can be a total girls’ sleepover, no men or boys allowed! And if i had questions about sex or boys, I would feel more comfortable talking to a woman and perhaps have that female supervisor even… Read more »
Girls night out is fine, if you say it like that. But if you just flat out say you don’t like them being just with the father then that is a problem. Could be the stereotypical boys going camping with the guys as well. Do you feel comfortable with an adult male around female children though? and if not, is that on par with adult women around male children? Personally I think both male and female are far far far far far far more likely to protect those kids like a hawk, vs hurting them. When I am at home,… Read more »
Well, I did ask a number of women in my life (n=3) who have had experiences with sleepovers when they were younger. They all had occasion to sleep over at friends’ houses where only a father was present, and the only preferential distinction for mothers that arose is where the fathers were more “stern,” and this only mattered when they were younger. Confirming what I wrote earlier, when these women were older (over 12) they were not interested in the person supervising – they wanted to see as little of the adults, men and women, as possible. “Load up the… Read more »
Sure, and what about a whites night out where they can’t have a black babysitter too? You’re clutching at straws.
“and looks sexist in choosing a women over a man” – Umm, because it is?
How many kids want the parents around at all? I doubt they care what gender the parent is unless of course people have trained them to be more suspicious of males than females….
This attitude is quite prevalent, I don’t think many parents would allow their girls to sleep over without a woman present. I would never dare ask unless I knew the parents and the children very well. It’s even noticeable in public as grown men with young girls get the stink eye or at best condescending remarks like “good boy helping out your wife”. Many men wouldn’t automatically realize this since when the mother is present then it’s not an issue. I’m not entirely comfortable talking about activities with a huge group of girls because I don’t think many other people… Read more »
All very well, but if it were me I wouldn’t get within parsecs of a sleepover that lacked at least two adult women–so they could chaperone each other–of any kids whatsoever.
It’s been better than twenty years, but I get chills thinking of who might have decided to ruin me because I didn’t give her kid enough playing time when I coached AYSO.
Is there an emoticon for index fingers crossed perpendicularly as a cross or crucifix to ward off even the thought?
I can understand the mother in the article having the perceptions she holds but if we are going to truly improve this country, especially in the area of child rearing, we must recognize the importance of both parents. This article just reinforces the double standard that exists in society, we say more men need to step up, more men need to be fathers, but only with limitations. Is this scenario any different than the father with his children and he’s asked “are you baby sitting?” or “are you playing Mr. Mom today?” both of these questions illustrate the need for… Read more »
“more women than men abuse children ” No way am I condoning abuse, but what that tells me is the fact that women are primarily the caregivers (including babysittng/daycare) than men. The problem with spending the most time with children is that along with providing their physical and emotional needs, they are also expected to discipline them at the same time. If the roles were reversed and in the same percentage, can men really say they would do a better job at care giving and fathering than mothers? Especially when plenty still think “nurturing” is a female job? Parenting is… Read more »
MichelleG: In my opinion parenting is tough. But, unless you fail to provide a good foundation in your kids from day 1 (think of the parents in supernanny) in my opinion it is both easier and MUCH more fulfilling than just about any paid labor outside the home. Also, I agree and disagree with you about why mothers abuse more often. I don’t think it has so much to do with intact or intact couples in which mothers have more child minding time. I don’t believe that more child-minding time will impact a healthy adult in such a way that… Read more »
The mother & son were visited some 80 times during the child’s lifespan.
They were visited by child protective services I meant to say.
I agree some parents should not be allowed to reproduce and children’s and court services should have better handle on custody cases; weeding out the lies and the truth – this is no easy task. ————————————— “I don’t believe that more child-minding time will impact a healthy adult in such a way that they are more likely to abuse. That’s like saying the more a person drives, the more likely they are to enact a road-rage incident. Well-adjusted people don’t do either, no matter how many hours they spend at it.” “We need to stop making excuses for mothers (like… Read more »
The feminist ideology has given rise to the abuse industry which has become all powerful. Child abuse may not be something which we commonly understand, but whatever the experts of the abuse industry want it to be for their own benefit. Here is a link to the news report that Indian couple have children taken away by Norwegian social workers because they fed them with their hands.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2088337/Norwegian-authorities-away-children-Indian-couple-eating-hands.html
i read that link. That is cultural misunderstanding and a lack of proper communication of expectations and tolerance. i think the Norwegian child services were just following their own westernized parental guidelines. Aren’t we always telling foreigners that if they want to live in our country that they would have to follow our customs/rules? Norway was laying out and making sure their house rules were followed. This is the same as parents (Norway) giving the babysitter (Indian couple) special instructions to care for their children. I don’t see this as feminist ideology, sorry. Good try.
@MichelleG
“This is the same as parents (Norway) giving the babysitter (Indian couple) special instructions to care for their children.”
It is very offensive to refer child services as parent and the real parents as baby sitters. Child protection agencies across Western countries is pretty dictatorial. German child welfare agency “Jugendamt” is very notorious is this matter. They do not just mistreat foreigners but their nationals as well. Here is another link
http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/world/2010/March/Child-Welfare-Agency-Echoes-Nazi-Germany/
The child protection services’ policies are extreme and strict for sure; but non-sexist. I don’t see how this is connected with feminist ideology! There’s a correlation though with this strictness to where Norway is ranked in the world with their Health Care system, 11th in the world. They don’t get there by being lax. It doesn’t explain in the that link, but I can see how hand-feeding kids is a BIG no no. Hand feeding babies/young kids (as opposed to sanitized spoon) presents problem of germs/bacteria that could enter the child and make him/her sick. Babies and young children are… Read more »
It doesn’t explain in the that link, but I can see how hand-feeding kids is a BIG no no. Your intuition is wrong here. Hand feeding babies/young kids (as opposed to sanitized spoon) presents problem of germs/bacteria that could enter the child and make him/her sick. By dry weight, bacteria comprise upwards of 10% of your body’s mass. There are more bacterial cells in your body than human cells. Ten times more. Think about that for a moment. You should also thing about everything else that goes into a child’s mouth when not at the dinner table. Babies and young… Read more »
I’m aware that our bodies contain billions of bacteria…i actually feed more bacteria into my system – good bacteria, through probiotics, yogurt, cheese; this helps combat the bad bacteria in the gut. Germ and dirty hands, last time I checked don’t count as good bacteria, so should be avoided. Kids put enough dirty objects into their mouths (as you pointed out), so let’s not add more to it – instead of hands, use a spoon to feed them; this is easy to accommodate! What’s the big deal? Treat the kid with class, instead of some baby gorilla. Next are you… Read more »
I provided links so that should you actually disagree with anything I wrote you would see that I wasn’t making it up out of whole cloth, which is what you appear to be doing. Here are ten points, in no particular order. First, that is some straight up racist shit there to compare cultures that don’t use spoons to gorillas. But don’t take my word for it – ask the guy on Yo, Is This Racist? Second, I’m not going to repeat myself about infant and child immune systems other than to say you should really click through and educate… Read more »
“Seventh, are you aware of the correlation between having pets in the home and a decrease in asthma and allergies among children? Dogs and cats aren’t the cleanest things in the world, and yet…” Cats are cute, but they are very filthy…they carry awful dandruff and long haired cats shed too much…all of this pollutes the air we breathe. I once took in this girl who had this tabby cat, during that time I was exposed to her cat – I developed severe bronchitis and this was the first time I ever experienced lung problems. I had to get antibiotics… Read more »
You would do well to investigate thee difference between anecdote (i.e. your story about your reaction to a particular cat) and epidemiological studies (i.e. studies across a population). I am allergic to cats myself, even having grown up with them. But across populations, kids who grow up with animals have better health outcomes on certain measures (specifically incidence of asthma and allergy) than kids who don’t. My particular experience with cats doesn’t invalidate the data, and neither does yours. And again you are drawing the wrong conclusions from the ranking data. India is not ranked 112 because they have “primitive… Read more »
@MichelleG
The extreme measures taken by child protection agencies across Western world is directly related to feminist war on family. The feminists have created and control the vast social services industries which is running out of control.
@Rapses I talked with my friend from Germany this morning about that story and she said it’s both better and worse than we might think in the US. In Germany they are serious about schooling. It is illegal to homeschool your children. Private schools need to be sanctioned by the state and they are very closely monitored to ensure they are providing the same educational standards as the public schools. She said it’s even illegal to take your kids out of school early for vacation. A week before school is out they have police stationed at the airports who will… Read more »
Which is to say, this story has ZERO to do with feminism and everything to do with how the Germans feel about school. If the parents had simply been beating their child it would have been harder for them to remove the kid; because he wasn’t enrolled in school it’s a default judgement.
@NickMostly
You are not getting my point. Most of the child protection services in Western world are created and backed by feminist ideologues. It is the monster created by Dr. Feminism which is getting out of control. These agencies are creating abuse hysteria which is adversely affecting father-children relationship. It is not the case of child protection services only in Norway or Germany, but in all Western Europe and Anglo sphere. Your friend probably did not tell you about the all encompassing powers and arbitrariness of German “Jugendamt.” When tyranny becomes law, rebellion becomes duty.
Oh, I get your point. I just don’t agree with it and I don’t believe the article you quote supports your thesis.
And yes, we spoke at length about the German system. She’s no fan of it either, but the picture she presented was much more nuanced than the one you’re trying to compose. In my experience I have learned to distrust those who paint portraits using only black and white when it’s clear there is an entire palette of color available to them.
Michelle —
Stop with the excuses and the changing of subjects already.
Write to CNN condemning their endorsement of this blatant father-hating and sexism.
Then publish your letter to CNN here.
Until then I will view you as part of the problem and not part of the solution.
You are responsible for the evil you could prevent.
Wow, so much vituperative language. That lack of charity towards others and basic human decency is why internet commenting gets such a bad rap.
NM,
What’s vituperative? You don’t think the CNN and Parenting.com piece reflected bigotry against fathers?
As for the last line, I will confess to lifting that from the billboard in front of the Unitarian Univeralist church in our New England town. Do you see UUs as “vituperative?”
As for Michelle, she really does love to change the subject whenever a woman hates on a man doing something perfectly ordinary. See some of her comments to Scott Mclelland’s piece.
Ciao
1) See my comment way up above on this piece. I think it explains clearly enough what I think about the article in question. 2) In this case she was agreeing that mothers abuse children, and suggesting a reason for why the numbers are skewed as they are (that more women serve in the role of caregiver therefore more opportunities for abuse). While she may have changed the subject in the past, this seemed completely in line with what was being discussed. It’s possible to disagree with her without making unreasonable demands that appear intended more to provoke than anything.… Read more »
And once again, a major media outlet couldn’t resist stereotyping all fathers, and men in general, as potential child molestors and abusers. If this were done to mothers and women in general, heads would roll in the company and the complaints would skyrocket. But since the concerns of men don’t count, it’s perfectly fine to paint them as monsters in the making. Seems like fathers and men are always being painted with a bullseye for target practice. Rob: “I’m not totally sure about the statistics cited here, however. The report does say that women rather than men have been the… Read more »
The attitudes towards men and children make me sick. This is why I am fearful around kids, especially as a photographer I get quite nervous when I have a very visible dSLR in my hands and knowing the pedophile hysteria that is out there. CNN should be blasted for allowing such filth to be written.
I hope that father kindly told that mother that he would be going forward with the sleepover but excluding her child to honor her wishes and concerns.
I understand and support parents who are cautious about sleepovers. They should be. However, it truly is an insult to men to suggest that all men are automatically suspected to be child molesters/abusers.
People here seem to clearly see this situation as wrong. Why wasn’t that the case when the object of misplaced fear was not the woman’s daughter at a sleep over, but the woman herself in the Elevatorgate situation? They both seem very much similar to me. They are about women (or in this case anyone) having inappropriate fears about men and feeling that they have a perfect right to that prejudice, instead of being embarassed about it.
You’re talking about this video: About Mythbusters, Robot Eyes, Feminism, and Jokes Not exactly the same thing, although I can see the parallels. I just watched it again to refresh my memory, and I realized she actually makes two points that she’s merged somewhat into one. At the start of her criticism of this anonymous guy (I presume he’s still anonymous) she frames it in the context of having given a talk about being “sexualized” which I take to mean being approached more for her being a woman rather than for her ideas. In this sense, I can see how… Read more »
I think it’s a ridiculous double standard, and that the authors, as well as Dr. Paone, shouldn’t reinforce it by continuing to allow/confirm irrationality. Instead, imagine their advice had asked the person who expressed her discomfort by asking her to critically confront where that fear comes from and whether or not it truly holds water. On the whole, it’s a bad article in many other ways as well, but that’s hardly surprising. I’m not totally sure about the statistics cited here, however. The report does say that women rather than men have been the child abuser by a slight margin,… Read more »
From the 2008 child maltreatment report Table 4.5 (exculuding crimes involving both parents):
Children murdered by their mothers: 477 (72%)
Children murdered by their fathers: 189 (28%)
Mothers are almost three times as likely to murder their own children, than are fathers. Mothers are also the overwhelming majority of pertpetrators of non-lethal forms of abuse.
How would mothers feel if people presumed that they would murder any children left in their care?
We all need to stand up and speak out against the assumption that men are potential sexual predators and women are not. Our sons and daughters need a man’s presence. I have 4 sons and a daughter and 12 grandchildren, half boys and half girls. Like many men, I’ve gone through times of fear (often justified in this male phobic society) that my attention to the girls might be misunderstood. Well, it certainly might be, but we have to risk being the fathers and grandfathers that our children need us to be, not the ones the media is afraid we… Read more »
And you won’t find too many women decrying this double standard.
Could you imagine the idignity of being asked to change seats on a plane while sitting with your own children because policy dictates “No men sitting with children”?
Like seriously… Blacks faced a lot of idignities back in the day, and it’s approaching (but not equal by any stretch just yet) that level of treatment.
Ah well, guess we all gotta take our lumps until we have our private jet to fly our butts around right?
Unbelievable. Just speechless.
As always. great article. First time poster, long time reader.
You’re one of a very few people who spell Dayll with two LL’s. Same name and spelling as one of my kids.
He can look forward to a lifetime of correcting others on the spelling now…
🙂
<eyeroll>Yes, because the only thing that keeps me from molesting my niece and her friends is that her mother is around.</eyeroll> But I can’t say this type of thinking (or more properly, lack of thinking) is the exclusive province of women. Countless Christians, men and women alike, characterize atheists and other nonbelievers as no better than rapists, child molesters, and murderers; as if the only thing stopping them from committing such heinous acts themselves is their belief in the book of desert fairy tales they claim to follow. Isn’t it time to stop tolerating this coddling of fear and mistrust?… Read more »
Last weekend, my oldest daughter celebrated her 16th birthday by inviting six girlfriends to a Marriott hotel. My wife rented a suite. The girls were able to use the indoor pool, and of, course have the run of the rooms. My wife chaperoned. At first she wanted me to stay the night and co-supervise with her. I pointed out that the fatehrs of those teen girls might have a problem with me being around. Was I trying to get out of hanging with 7 16 year old girls. Yes. But, I thought about the fears and prejudice of people who… Read more »
I would hope women would speak out about this double standard as well. I can imagine if I were the wife in that situation I might feel a little resentful — “why am I stuck supervising this by myself? I could really use a hand.”