How would you describe masculinity? What does male desire look like? One British researcher set out to hear what guys had to say about these and other topics.
This article about male sexuality from The Independent has a lot of really interesting things to say about what male sexuality actually looks like. Not what we see in porn, or even in movies. But real-life down-and-dirty (or not so down-and-dirty).
Author Laurie Penny says this:
The changing role of women, in and out of the bedroom, is one of the greatest cultural anxieties of our age. Male sexuality, by contrast, is assumed by most people to be a constant: hard and emotionless, often violent, focused on the conquest of women, on penetration, on dominance. Public money is poured into protecting girls from early “sexualisation”, but for boys, sexuality is always assumed to be empowering. “Masculinity” is only ever discussed, as with those pesky inner-city rioters, when it gets “out of control” or is “in crisis”, which is usually code for “social unrest” when the polite press doesn’t wish to speak about class and poverty.
The first rule of masculinity is that you don’t talk about masculinity, much less ask questions about it: it’s a bit like Fight Club, but extended to a significant part of the life experience of half the human race. I want to hear men talk about what it means to be one. I suspect I’m not the only one. So, partly out of pure curiosity, and partly in the name of research for a book I’m putting together, I decided to ask some of my internet followers what masculinity, sex and gender meant to them.
And she got a massive response.
Of the multitudes of answers she got to her questions about sexuality, desire, identity and whether guys thought there really was a crisis in masculinity.
She got really heart-warming responses, such as this one:
“To me, being a man is about outrageously loving my wife”
And many from men who said they wanted to identify as feminists but were concerned about how they’d be seen by men, women and feminists.
Another man said this:
“Patriarchy controls male behaviour in similar ways,”… “Society pushes men to live up a construct of alpha male behaviour: being sexually aggressive, emotionally detached, competitive with each other.”
But most of the men seemed to marvel at the fact that someone was even concerned about masculinity, and was wondering what men felt and thought.
Wish we could direct them all over here to the GMP!
What do you guys think? Do you agree with some of the quotes I have here?
How do you define male desire? How do you “feel” your masculinity? What makes you feel like a man?
Photo of young man on city street courtesy of Shutterstock.
My masculinity is complex and needs not be defined. I am respected because I give respect to others but also command it when I speak, I am intelligent, articulate and passionate. I love women for more reasons than you can count, and I truly want to honor them for all that I appreciate. I love men for the brotherhood I feel amongst those who share my values and who understand me as a man in ways that the women in my life never could. My mind stays open and I’m not one to judge, but I waste no time on… Read more »
It is being strong, even when we feel weak, brave when we are afraid, untouched though we weep inside. it is being responsible for everything we do and everything we don’t do, whether sober or drunk, rested, or exhausted, mad or sane.
Masculinity feels like being a lion in a cage pacing back and forth.It feels like shrugging your shoulders and saying “ok” when it’s not ok. It feels like blinking back tears and swallowing sadness.
Advocating for men’s rights. There really is no endeavor that’s more challenging and fraught with risks with regards to political activism I can think of.
Advocating for men’s rightrs is the most heartbreaking and difficult thing I have ever done. Very very few men have sufficient strength inside them, to feel compassion for other men. Once a man opens his eyes to the pain of other men, the world is filled with paralyzing darkness and overwhelming urgency. An MRA is no longer a part of the “tribe.” You have no friends and no political patronage. Your resources are depleted because you are outcast, at the same time that your eyes are open to millions of silent screams that nobody on Earth cares about. There is… Read more »
Can I answer “Yes” to this? I can agree to a greater or lesser extent with the “men who want to be feminist without offending other men or feminists,” and I can agree with the heartwarming “I love my family” responses too. I can even agree with chauvenists on some points – to be honest, it’s pretty damn cool to not have the same burdens and expectations associated with my status as a white man that a good 90% of the rest of the world has to deal with. So I say… yes. Being a man means the same to… Read more »
One thing to add – I can’t help it. For all that I prattle on about it not being a characteristic I *want* to use to define myself… It feels pretty manly when I fart loudly or scratch myself in public. Hey, it’s disgusting, but I guess that’s what being a little chauvenistic is all about – taking advantage of the privileges of manhood and to heck with what all y’all have to say about it.
Masculinity is when you calmly smile at your son as you drive the boat 20 minutes back to shore with a fishing hook stuck deep in your thumb.
Male desire is a starving wolf on the outskirts of a brightly lit town in the middle of winter. He knows he’ll die tonight.
My karate sensei is a 6th degree black belt expert….uber macho…pure Stanley Kowalski, Brando, and Capt. James T. Kirk mixed up into one powerful personality….and he is facing the challenge of his life: first time fatherhood! Fertility treatments, middle age, and twin gestation have brought him to his knees….He said is scared “sh-tless”… I listen to him voice his anxieties and support him emotionally while we practice karate….Somehow as we go through the familiar routines of karate, he can relax enough to open up about what stresses him out… Fascinating to see the other side of macho….which is vulnerability and… Read more »
When you are walking down the street late at night, and your woman says to you ‘ I feel so safe when I am with you” When you see a child having a mechanical problem with her bike, you go over and fix it. I dunno this could get you arrested these days, but when I was growing up, must have been around 8 yrs old, my little friend may have been around 4, she got her shoe lace caught in the bike, wimpering and sniveling, and I did not know what to do, this man came over and rescued… Read more »
Most times I feel ashamed of my masculinity, so it’s only been over the last year or so that I’ve tried to not ignore it. When I’m able to lift something that no one else around can, it feels good, like I have some power and ability because I’m male. But when my looks are complimented, I usually feel slightly uncomfortable.
What seems to be the problem?