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After looking at my past relationships and taking a lot of responsibility for what I did in each of them, I found some hard truths. I called them hard truths because accepting that you have faults is challenging, especially in romantic relationships. It is more comfortable and socially acceptable to blame the other person for why it all went wrong. Having the balls and gaul to accept that you are the problem is huge. My own problem in a romantic relationship is lack of communication and “assumed understand.”
Let break these down.
Lack Of Communication Killed Me…Overcommunicate At All Cost
Lack of communication is not just talking enough. But it is not speaking in a way that will understand you. Instead, you communicate how you will like to. You know I love explains, so let me hit you with it.
I told my ex I would meet with her that after the weekend. Something came up each time. On top of that, it was Sunday, and I was determined I would go see her after church.
Now I go to a black church, and it lasts a long time. The stereotypes of a black church being long in duration is an understatement.
I would wake up early and set up the church. From what I remember, I would get in there at 10 AM and not get out until 3-4 PM. Sometimes later, depending on how the spirit moves and if anyone catches the holy ghost. I have caught it a few times.
This particular day after church, we drove about 3 people home. So we didn’t get home until late, like 6-7 PM, I believe. After my 12 hour shift at church and driving, I was tired and passed out.
I reached out the next day when I realized what happened. Each day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, something came up, and we didn’t see each other.
Notice that it is my side of the story and not all the details. I am not here to defend myself but to prove my point that I did not communicate. I could have texted her and let her know I would not be coming for x,y, and z reasons.
My lack of communication caused us to stop talking and pursuing each other. It was not a breakup. Just a mutual ego misunderstanding and we stopped talking. We spoke 1 or 2 times again; however, after that, no more.
All I had to do was let her know what was going on. I just had to send a simple text or quick call explaining myself. Yes, when you are in a relationship, you must explain yourself. You are not single anymore, but you are “attached” to someone. An article for another time. (Rant over)
Assumed Understanding Is The Worst Plague Of Relationship
This is where your eyes may open. Assumed understanding is when you take action that you assume the person you took action for understands why you took it. It is a massive deficit within me. I am trying to prove my worth through my actions instead of actually explaining myself.
For the past 3-4 years, I have been in marriage mode. I have been doing all the “right” things and “preparing” as I should, from not having sex to saving massive amounts of money, getting a 6-figure job, and a whole host of other things.
I was so laser-focused on God giving me a wife that I was not actually “living” my life. I was intentional but not practical. I was too much in the clouds and not in the earth enough.
I was doing all these actions assuming that God would grant me a wife because I was checking these boxes. I felt and thought I was ready, but I was not ready.
I spoke with an ex of mine recently. She was explaining to me how everything she did for men was to show them she would be a great wife. Yet, it never worked out time and time because they broke up with her or didn’t commit.
That she gave all these men everything yet got nothing in return. That is it. Instead of directly asking what these men are looking for, she assumed they would marry her because she had cooked for them, cleaned for them, and had given them her body and had sex with them.
What every man wants in a wife is different. For example, I don’t want to be in a marriage where I have to sit on the couch and watch sports kind of guy. I have to be in a non-traditional relationship. I am in the kitchen cooking with my partner and enjoying the moment with her. When I get into a traditional “be a normal man” role, I will let you know this is not me. Sooner or later, it will not work because I am not an average lazy couch man.
I also got trapped into the assumed understanding by working. I worked 4 jobs at one time to show this woman I was capable of being a provider. Instead of giving her what she wanted. She wanted a man that would listen to her and help her become the greater woman she was destined to be. We didn’t last long. I assumed her seeing me being able to work 4 jobs was a clear understanding that I would at all cost provide for her.
Huge blow to my confidence and self-esteem as a man when she left me. But being able to reflect and accept my own problems was the best thing I did. Learning that I must stop taking action through assumed understanding brought me clarity and certainty for my next relationship.
Last Words
You can see I assumed way too much in my romantic relationship and couple that with a lack of communication. I was walking the tight rope of a successful relationship while leaning heavily on heartbreak.
So learn from me. Over-communication, so nothing is left to chance. Even when you over-communicate, there may be problems. Accept the issues and communicate about them right away too. Do not assume anything and ask for clarity. Do not pretend to understand; ask the hard questions.
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