Wondering what to do about a dinner party guests who text at the table? Or the girlfriend with dreaded cats as pets? ‘Dear John,’ at your service.
With Christmas dinner approaching, I am trying to proactively deal with a problem that is sure to arise: my sister’s family are the kind of people who think nothing of keeping one eye on their phones throughout the entire meal! This deplorable behavior includes her, her husband, and her fifteen-year-old son. The last time I had dinner with them, instead of being blatant about it, they all kept their phones in their laps and kept sneaking furtive glances under the table. If anything, this was actually worse. I can’t imagine why people who would never think of, say, reading a magazine at the dinner table think this is okay. She can be a bit of a hothead…should I say something or just let this go?
Signed,
Unplugged
Dear Unplugged,
While it is very tempting to suggest going into another room and texting her to PAY ATTENTION TO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY PRESENT, I’ll try to be more constructive.
For some reason, people like your sister and her husband think cell phone use is somehow exempt from basic rules of courtesy. (I can’t blame their son, considering the examples they set.)
What you should do about it, if anything, depends on whether you’re the host, and that’s not clear from your letter. If you are, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to take her aside and say, “I’ve so looked forward to having a nice Christmas dinner with you and your family. Would you do me a huge favor and leave your phones in the living room? I find it very hard to have a conversation with someone who seems so distracted.” But if she gets huffy about it, I’d let it go. What else can you do? Their boorish behavior is not worth ruining a meal over. On the other hand, if you’re not the host, it’s not really your problem to worry about. As her sister, of course you can ask her what’s so important that it can’t wait an hour. But if she wants to embarrass herself by acting so rudely, that’s up to her.
♦◊♦
Dear John,
I have been dating a woman who has two cats. I like her very much, but I do not like cats – hers or anyone else’s. (And that’s understating my feelings a bit.) Our relationship has progressed to the point that we spend quite a bit of time at her house and these cats are ever-present. They’re on the couch with us, they’re milling about while we’re eating, they’re up on the bed…it’s constant! I suggested shutting them in a room for a while one night just to get some peace, but she let them out the moment they started yowling. I know she loves these cats, but I feel like we have reached an impasse. I want very much to make our relationship work, but the cats are making that less and less likely. Am I missing something? What would drive a brilliant, successful woman to pick cats over people?
Sincerely,
Nine Lives Too Many
Dear Nine Lives,
This is going to sound much harsher than I mean it, so I am going to temper it with a little smiley face made from punctuation: She’s not picking cats over people. She’s picking cats over you. 🙂 There.
I’m sure you realize that people fall into two broad camps: Cat lovers. And bad people. You, my friend, have the misfortune of addressing your question to one of the former.
Long-term, there’s really no room for compromise here. In a way that you can’t relate to, she loves her cats. They are part of the deal. If you want to start spending more time at your place, fine. But sooner or later, you will have to either accept (not love – accept) her cats or move on.
♦◊♦
Dear John,
My ex-husband and I have been divorced for about a year. We have two young boys, eight and ten. We all live near each other so we all see each other quite a bit. My ex and I don’t get along very well, but we try to conceal our animosity in front of our boys.
Here’s the problem: returning from a weekend with his father recently, my older boy told me my ex-husband’s girlfriend stayed at his house while our kids were there! I am beyond livid. I don’t know this woman. I have no idea how serious their relationship is. Even if she’s a nice person, it absolutely breaks my heart when I think of my sweet little guys trying to process this. I want to say something to their father, but this is the kind of conversation that could easily degenerate into a terrible argument. And he might actually like the fact that he has the power to upset me so. I just don’t know what to do because I can’t even think clearly about it. Any perspective would be welcome.
Signed,
Mad Ex, Sad Mom
Dear Mad Ex,
I can understand your anger. You seem to realize that after a divorce, every decision parents make has to be in the best interests of their kids. You owe them that. And in the scenario you describe, your husband is falling quite a bit short.
You’re absolutely right that at the very least, this is confusing for your kids. I will give your husband the benefit of the doubt and assume that his girlfriend doesn’t pose any kind of a threat to the kids. But they sorely need the stability that has been lacking in their young lives up to this point. Will this woman be a constant presence? One in a series of short-lived dalliances? Who knows? But I don’t think kids should be exposed to a parent’s new partner until they have made a firm commitment to each other – like an engagement.
Another reason this shows terrible judgment on your husband’s part is that this should be special time with two boys who want, need, and deserve his undivided attention. During their visits, they shouldn’t have to share him with anyone. It’s inexcusably selfish of him to have his girlfriend over when they are there, too.
I’m afraid all you can do is try to calmly discuss this with him and hope he will listen. Frame it exclusively in terms of what’s best for the kids. If he rejects what you say out of hand, there’s still a chance he’ll think it over and start putting them first. If he simply refuses to change his ways, all you can do is be the best example for your boys that you can be. Let them know that if this situation (or anything else) bothers them, they can talk to you about it. And while Mom and Dad no longer live together, you both love them as much as you possibly can.
—
photo: tantek on Flickr
Hey, everyone, thanks for commenting. I sincerely appreciate the different perspectives. In general, I refrain from replying to comments because I’ve already had my chance to speak. Now it’s your turn. Reading these comments and re-reading what I wrote in this particular column, though, makes me realize that I expressed one of my thoughts very, very poorly, and I’d like to clarify. I should not have written, “I don’t think kids should be exposed to a parent’s new partner until they have made a firm commitment to each other – like an engagement” because what I MEANT was, “I don’t… Read more »
I disagree that as serious a step as engagement is needed before a child meets a parent’s S.O. However, I did wait for some months before introducing my boyfriend to my daughter. She knew about him, but did not meet him until I had had a chance to really get to know him (and meet his family and some of his friends.)
Texting/phoning at the table? Leave them out of your conversation unless they’re behaving better. You can use pretty much the same training techniques on boors as you do on pets. Reward the good behaviour.
The texting question depends on how much for me. Reading and replying to a message shouldn’t really take more than a minute or two and if there are more than two of you at the table it is fairly easy for them to talk to each other while you look at your phone. You don’t need everyone’s complete attention on each other for the full meal. It is also fairly easy to still listen and talk to someone while typing at a few keys. I’ve never really know anyone to have a problem with this either, most people I know… Read more »
I’m confused. Are you suggesting that a parent should actively *hide* a part of their lives from their children? That seems… dishonest.
I’ve been in this same situation. I think at the very least that he should have given her some warning that this was going to happen. Yes, everyone needs to move on after a divorce, and parents will find new partners, but you must communicate so everyone is on the same page.
Malcom I agree that there is no hard and fast rule on this one but I actually have first hand experience. I actually waited six years after getting divorced to introduce my kids to a woman. I was looking for someone I could trust with them. When I did, we got engaged right away and married soon thereafter. My kids were 1 and 3 when I got divorced, 7 and 9 when I got remarried, and are freshman and juniors in high school now. In my case it did make sense to make sure they weren’t confused and that my… Read more »
“But I don’t think kids should be exposed to a parent’s new partner until they have made a firm commitment to each other – like an engagement.” That sounds like a great idea. Getting engaged to someone without knowing their children is a fantastic approach to starting a new relationship. Seriously, you don’t think that children can understand that mom and dad aren’t together anymore and dad has a new friend? And to argue that the kids shouldn’t have to ‘share’ their dad with anyone else during the visits? So, going to a baseball game with one of their father’s… Read more »