—
If you know me, you know I’m a pretty calm, easy-going, silver-lining, non-confrontational type of person.
But, there is a part of me that lies beneath, that few people have seen, that waits in the shadows to make its appearance:
My angry side.
This is the side of me that I always considered bad, unnecessary, evil, a side that wasn’t really me. I would do my best to try to quell this monster whenever I felt it start to make an appearance. Defeat it with a forced smile and an ever-present, optimistic attitude.
What I didn’t realize was that in trying to suppress this other side of me and not handle it in a healthy, productive way, I was doing myself and others more harm than I was good. Harm in the forms of sudden outbursts of yelling, cursing, breaking things, saying and doing things without considering the ramifications and then feeling terrible about myself afterward.
At times, I’d succeed in vanquishing this anger dragon — but that didn’t mean that he was defeated for good.
Oh no.
He would crawl back into his dark cave, learn all the defenses that I had used to defeat him, study the game tape, gather his strength and energy and patiently await his next opportunity to triumph over me.
He was like a Tom Brady-Bill Belichick two-headed monster and I was the Miami Dolphins. Yeah, I might have gotten lucky a few times, but he was the real top dog of the division.
See, while he was hidden away studying me, looking for chinks in my armor and figuring out ways that he could counter my defenses, I was nonchalantly going about my life believing that I knew all his tactics and that if I beat him once I could beat him again.
The thing is, this anger dragon didn’t play fair.
He knew all my insecurities, my fears, my worries, my doubts, and my weaknesses.
He would hit below the belt and there were no rules when it came to doing battle with him.
Where would this dragon show up? Everywhere!
From my family life, friendships, intimate relationships, sports, traffic, encounters with strangers, grocery shopping — there wasn’t anywhere he wasn’t ready to do battle.
I would feel his hot breath of judgment on the back of neck as my mother would scold me or lecture me on life.
I would feel his claws of insecurity dig into my shoulders as I would argue with an ex-girlfriend about jealousy, doubts, faithfulness, infidelities.
I would feel his dagger-like teeth of failure and “not good enough” dig into me when I would underperform on the field.
I would feel his violent tail-whip of disapproval whenever I’d get into a heated discussion with a friend or teammate.
I would feel his fire of inferiority scald my entire body whenever someone would cut me off in traffic, disrespect me or be rude to me in any way.
Over time, he waned my confidence and put innumerable dents into my armor.
For so long I tried to do battle with him by just relying on my natural abilities and believing that I didn’t have to learn and adapt as he was always doing.
One day, I decided I wasn’t going to keep suppressing this dragon, pretending he wasn’t there and foolishly believing that I had him under control.
I decided that as terrifying as it may be, I was going to go down to his cave, look him straight in his eyes and study his every move.
I was going to see what makes HIM tick, what his weaknesses, fears and insecurities are and how to combat his defenses.
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
— Joseph Campbell
What did I learn by doing this? One of the most important things that I’ve learned in my 34 years of life:
This dragon is me.
It is not just some creature that seemingly spawned out of nowhere ready to wreak havoc on any and everything.
No, I birthed him in the depths of my darkest, loneliest, scariest cave.
A cave that I have been scared to venture into for all of my life.
A cave that houses all my deepest fears, failures, traumas, setbacks, betrayals, and letdowns.
Down in that cave, this dragon has had all the sustenance needed to become this menacing, invincible monster he has become.
By mustering up the courage to venture into that cave, I have been able to begin to learn what gives this dragon life, what makes it move, what gives it purpose.
It’s all the things that I have been scared to dive into and question all of my life:
Why I felt like a bad son whenever my mother would reprimand me.
Why I felt like I would never find another relationship if an ex-girlfriend left me.
Why I felt like a failure when I would lose on the field.
Why I felt like my opinions or beliefs weren’t good enough or would get laughed at.
Why I felt so slighted and less about myself because of someone else’s unkind gesture.
By interacting with this dragon, learning from it instead of waiting for it to unexpectedly attack, I have learned more about myself than any book, coach or teacher has ever taught me.
There are still times when this dragon makes an abrupt, unexpected appearance and he gets the best of me. But now, instead of trying to ignore him or take my victory over him for granted, I attempt to look him in the eye and see what is driving him to destruction.
I may not have all the answers yet, but I’m learning to ask the right questions.
I may not ever fully tame him or learn to ride him like Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, but having the courage to look him in the eyes is a great start.
Do you have a dragon? What makes it come to life? What does it feed off?
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Previously published on Medium.
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