There’s been a lot in the media lately about what’s appropriate and what’s not appropriate when it comes to touching women. I recognize that a lot of people out there will be saying “but what about men and inappropriate touch?” Yes, that’s a problem too, but for this article, I want to focus on the inappropriate touching of girls and women, and what it does to them psychologically. I promise I’ll address the issue of men and sexual assault/rape at another time.
With all the talk in the media lately of how touching is “not a big deal,” I had to turn away and avoid the news reports, blog posts, and comments from the less educated that claim that women who complain about unwanted sexual touching are feminists. It all just makes me angry, and sick. I can’t turn my head away any longer. If the male response to a woman expressing and exercising her desire NOT to be touched sexually by others is that she’s a “feminist” or she’s “overreacting” then there is something incredibly wrong with our society.
Maybe nothing ever happened to me, and your need to exercise control over my body makes me uncomfortable, because anyone who feels that they have the right to decide that I should accept that brush across my breasts or that ass-grab is a creep …
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I’ve seen it all; I’ve had my ass grabbed, my breasts “accidentally” brushed, and I’ve even had men try to kiss me when we weren’t even in a relationship. I’ve literally crawled across a pool table in a formal ball gown when a man of great social stature tried to put his face between my breasts after pinning me against the table. Don’t tell me that a slap on the ass is innocent—if I say I don’t like it and I don’t want it, that’s the end of it. You don’t get to start calling me a feminist for exercising my own rights to what happens to my body, and you don’t know what I’ve been through. Maybe I was sexually assaulted for years as a child. Maybe I was raped as a teenager. Maybe I was JUST raped a few months ago. Maybe nothing ever happened to me, and your need to exercise control over my body makes me uncomfortable, because anyone who feels that they have the right to decide that I should accept that brush across my breasts or that ass-grab is a creep, and I wonder, if he’s willing to do that, then how far is he willing to go? Is this guy testing my limits?
If a guy who’s been notorious for ass-slapping or other inappropriate touchy-feely behavior ever rapes one of the women he’s been doing this to, don’t you think the first question his lawyer will ask of her is “Why didn’t you ever report his behavior? Is it because you liked it?” What happens when she gets sick of it, and turns and slaps, punches, or knees him after repeatedly telling him to stop? Is that her fault? Flip the situation and her lawyer could ask him, “She told you repeatedly not to touch her, so didn’t you want her attention?”
To all men who say that it’s perfectly innocent and that those of us who don’t like it are feminists (as if that were a bad thing) or even better, feminazis (let’s think about that term and what the word “Nazi” really represents), I have something to say to you. Close your eyes. You’re at work. An older woman slaps you on the ass one day. You’re surprised. Maybe a little pissed off, because you don’t like her. Maybe she’s ugly. Is that “innocent” touching? Keep those eyes closed. Now imagine that every day at work, women randomly grab your penis through your pants and laugh as they walk away. Or they grab your package, squeezing it, and say, “Nice job on that project, Joe,” as they walk away. Is that innocent touching? What about a female co-worker who is at a Christmas party that you’re attending, who bends over while you’re sitting alone at your table nursing a drink, grabs your head, and plants a nice wet one on your lips. Is that “inappropriate” touching? For those of you who are thinking “woo-hoo!” to any of these scenarios, let’s pretend this is an unattractive, older woman in a position of authority. Now is it inappropriate? Most of you probably still don’t get it, because women don’t typically behave that way, while men do. If it’s hard for you to imagine, it’s because it’s never happened to you. What many men would like to call “innocent” touching is anything but. It’s uninvited, unnerving, and for some, who’ve been through sexual assaults or rape, it’s damned terrifying.
That didn’t convince you? Okay I have one better for you.
Rape is a life sentence for some women. So is sexual assault.
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Close your eyes again. Instead of a female co-worker slapping you on the ass at work, it’s a guy. Instead of a female co-worker grabbing your package, it’s a guy. Instead of a female kissing you at the Christmas party, it’s a guy. Regardless of your orientation, is that inappropriate touching? I can feel most of you cringing as you imagine the situation, so I ask you this: why does it seem so much worse for a guy to do those things to you than a woman? Now put yourself in the position of a female who goes through all of that at work. Do you still think that kind of touching is so innocent? To put things in perspective for you, let’s talk about touching that doesn’t involve what are considered sexual body parts. Pretty much every pregnant woman has had their growing belly touched or grabbed by men and women without being asked, and pretty much all of us either hate it, or get sick of it pretty fast. Someone was even bright enough to make up a maternity shirt featuring the Pillsbury Dough Boy bearing an angry expression, saying “Poke me and die.” Surely, touching a pregnant belly is not inappropriate, is it? Wrong. My body, my say. Can I walk up to a man and grab his belly and jiggle it? Would that be appropriate? Why should I demean myself by allowing you to “accidentally” brush your hand against my breast at work, or grab my ass, or slap it? A better question might be, what is gained by it? Certainly those of us on the receiving end gain nothing by it—if you want to congratulate us on a job well done, try a handshake, some kind words, or, hey, a promotion or a raise!
I can tell you that I don’t know many females, (maybe one or two) who haven’t had some kind of sexual assault experience or rape experience in their lifetime. When you start going around pounding your chest and saying, “oh, but it was just an innocent pat on the ass,” be aware that those who have been through sexual assault or rape may react quite negatively to your unwanted “praise.” It can bring back the memories, flashbacks, nightmares, and more. Rape is a life sentence for some women. So is sexual assault. Never again will we trust our instincts when it comes to men, and never will we forget what we went through. When unwanted touching causes so many problems, why, oh, why, would anyone advocate for it?
Respect women. Respect the bodies of others, all others. Respect their life experiences, and the way it makes them feel when they are subjected to unwanted touching. If it’s really not that big a deal, as many are saying, then why insist upon continuing to do it? If men aren’t getting anything out of it, and it’s “just a love pat,” then why in the world would you keep doing it when there’s public outcry against it? Ask yourself: are you asking women to bend to your will and accept all unwanted touching to empower yourself? Or are you doing it because you get a rise out of it? Either way, if there’s nothing to be gained, and everything to be lost by it, why do it at all? And what does it teach our young girls when they hear the mantra “it’s just innocent touching” over and over again? How will they learn where it’s OK for them to draw the line? Sometimes the best things we learned in life, we learned in Kindergarten – in this case, keep your hands to yourself.
Photo: Getty Images
[Ask yourself: are you asking women to bend to your will and accept all unwanted touching to empower yourself?]
As I am MRA/MGTOW I advice men to stay away from females, it is not only about touching them, even any simple compliment can be considered as ‘sexual harassment’ – The result is interesting, in places with many MRA/MGTOW around often women complain to be ignored.
those aren’t “hypothetical situations” to me
Let me explain to you males what is considered sexual assault. Any form of touching that I don’t consent to!! This includes ass-slaps, breast gropes, brushing past me and ‘accidentally’ touching me (don’t think we don’t notice) shoulder squeezes, kissing – including cheek kissing-, hugs, stares, any form of conversation that is sexual or derogatory in nature (and yes, I decide what is sexual or derogatory as I am the one offended). Also, if you do this – any of this – to a woman that I’m in view of, its sexual assault against both women, her AND me. So… Read more »
We “boys” here in the comments section have already figured it out. We thank you “girls” for agreeing. Nice guys again finish first.
Either you are sarcastic or the biggest moron ever seen on the internet but reality is nice guys finish last because we live in a society where you are on your own and no one care about you. So why would you care about anyone else?
” (and yes, I decide what is sexual or derogatory as I am the one offended). Also, if you do this – any of this – to a woman that I’m in view of, its sexual assault against both women, her AND me.”
So why doesn’t she get to decide whether she is offended?
I would hope that you understand the analogy of women having absolute control over their bodies, and that we Black people have about what we perceive as racist or offensive. There is this ongoing denial by many non-Blacks that the miniaggressions we experience don’t deserve to be taken seriously.
‘Let me explain to you males what is considered sexual assault. Any form of touching that I don’t consent to!!’ The point is about IF and WHEN do you feel offended and consider it as sexual assault. I see the problem mainly about ‘changing your mind’. We have many cases recently where women never said even a single word about and 15 years or even 30 years later or so they feel sexually assaulted. There are also plenty of false allegations, as it is convenient for a woman in case of any dispute or quarrel to claim sexual assault as… Read more »
THE RULES (BY HER) 1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice. 3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES. 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The Female can change her mind at… Read more »
In other words this article is made by a person who doesn’t get it and lost the plot.
I’m sorry that you feel that all females are identical. Do you feel that all men are identical? The ‘rules’ you’ve set out above are meant to be satirical, relating to a relationship. If we are going to talk relationships, do you not believe that good, open communication would be the key to a good relationship? Despite the irrelevance of your ‘rules’ to the article above, your comment could open a great conversation, but I’ll leave it at this – treat others as you’d want to be treated yourself. Instead of looking for a fight in ever written or spoken… Read more »
Thank you Crysm for being honest in your views. I believe DO reflect many, if not most women. I can imagine you’re repulsed by Trump and accordingly Joe Biden too? http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2015/02/9-times-joe-biden-whispered-in-womens-ears.html What bothers me the most about what you said is “. Also, if you do this – any of this – to a woman that I’m in view of, its sexual assault against both women, her AND me.” Sexual assault? You are dangerous and a major part of the problem these days but because you are a women, you will go along without question and will have a free… Read more »
Since when is being a feminist a bad thing?
Answer: Never. But anti-feminists use it as a slur in an attempt to socially shame women in the hopes that they’ll be able to maintain control over women’s bodies and lives.
In the work environment, any casual touching from a man is considered sexual harassment, no? The reverse is almost never considered sexual harassment, we are still at the point where men are expected to be strong, welcome it, and joke about it.
I can’t comment on every workplace, but I CAN say that any workplace that I’ve ever been in, any inappropriate touching by women would have been met with the same consequences – now, I worked for an major engineering group that worked on international projects, which means we all had to learn customs & expectations of various cultures, and respect them, and I also worked in very public environments in recreation, where as a Personal Trainer and a teacher, I had to be VERY careful about how I spot my clients/students. It NEVER would have been tolerated. Honestly, I’m not… Read more »
Who gets to decide what is sexual? There is a lot of touching people may describe as “platonic” which has occurred to me almost exclusively by women which I’ve found a violation of my boundaries. Not that I’m disagreeing with you, but why can’t we just have a keep your hands to yourself approach unless you know that the person is consenting?
Right now the female who is touched gets to decide what is sexual. The male, uh, no. Any other genders (since we have more than two now), I have no idea.
Thanks for your comment – I’m sorry to say that there’s also still touching going on by both genders, and I think the best you can do is repeatedly make it clear to the individual doing the touching that you’re uncomfortable with it and don’t want physical contact. The point is, it doesn’t matter at all whether the person being touched FEELS that it’s sexual – as I said, pregnant women don’t like their bellies being touched, and that’s NOT sexual, however, it’s still really annoying, and inappropriate. I know that in some situations there is NOTHING you seem to… Read more »
That’s exactly what I tried to get across in this article, John, and I couldn’t agree more. If you’re not in a relationship with the individual doing the ‘touching’ (as described in the pregnancy scenario) what’s the point? As I said, we’re taught in kindergarten to keep our hands to ourselves – it’s just that simple, whether a man OR a woman is initiating that physical contact.
Although I understand what this is all about, why is it that if a man “touches” another man and the receiver of that touch is bothered by it, he’s seen as homophobic? He’s at the very least distant and struggles with being n the “man box.”
Ahhh, very, very good comment, and excellent point. I wish I had an answer to that. I hadn’t thought to address that aspect in the way I mentioned that women are labeled feminists or ‘feminazis.’ I think the best we can all do is try to work to influence change – there will always be people out there who will accuse you of being homophobic for not wanting uninvited touch from another man, just as there will always be people out there that call women ‘feminists.’ In my opinion, they are excuses – it’s a way to shift the blame… Read more »
Ive noticed that too. It’s almost like women are supposed to be free to interpret touches from men however they want but men should not be.
Danny, notice that Tessa had no response to our responses? Notice that there is no response from the “progressives” about what we said? It comes down to that wicked web that is being weaved.
Note to self (Keep his article for future reference)
Danny, Tom, my reply is below your last comment for some reason. I’m assuming it was the moderation of the comments that’s out of order? To help you make sense of it, Danny commented; I replied; it was awaiting moderation, and I just checked in and saw Tom’s comment but not mine. My comment in direct response to Tom’s first comment is below. Not sure why they’re out of order, but if you read the comment I posted marked 9 hours 41 minutes ago, as a response to Tom’s first comment, it will make sense. Otherwise it’s out of order,… Read more »
here is a clue, one that I’m actually embarrassed to have to say. You never, ever, not freaking ever touch a woman until it is seen as acceptable, or even welcome by her. It is not about when it is safe for you to do, but when she feels safe in allowing it. That can go for men too, but using the common sense that God gave me, and that which seems to be lacking in so many, it is not as much a threat to men as it is to women, so yes, to a lesser extent, women (more… Read more »
Thanks for your comment DJ; I hate the ‘one bad apple spoils the whole damn bunch’ analogy when it comes to people, because it’s never true. Not all men are intent on violating women, but both men AND women do need to be careful, and unwanted touching HAS to be viewed as a warning sign that the individual initiating it doesn’t respect the individual on the receiving end. That does tend to have the side effect of putting us on guard, but I do want to say to all men who are respectful of women, we appreciate you 🙂
Have you considered that he may not appreciate that? What if he wants more? Should he settle for what you demand? For what? For who? What is his reward? No prison? No death penalty? No bodily harm? You seem to desire a utopia but society is far from perfect. My advice is to do what feels good to you despite what anyone else says. You don’t owe them an apology, explanation or even a hello. If they get upset find someone who won’t because you do not have to compromise on what you want for anyone else. If you get… Read more »
It would be nice if everyone followed that policy….men and women alike.
Agreed!
Pretty simple. Don’t touch women. I had a commander that instituted a no touching policy in 1991 so some people have been doing it right for a while.
I see you like busting social norms. It is not “about time” for that, it is way past time. These norms must change. Thanks for the article, for your point of view, and for your new ways of expressing your perspective.
Thanks for your comment Bryan, I appreciate it! I agree, it’s not ‘about time’ – it’s WAY overdue. I have been fortunate enough to have worked for companies that didn’t tolerate this, and although I’ve had incidents, they were immediately addressed – except when it came to the pool table incident. Social settings are far more complicated.