We’ve all been taught that it’s nice to say “sorry” when we’ve done something wrong, as a way to make things better. But when I’ve been upset by someone, instead of hearing the ‘s’ word, or being told how bad they’re feeling, what I really want to hear is whether they understand how I feel, and why I’m feeling that way. I want to know not only that they regret what happened (although a certain amount of remorse always helps!), but also that it wasn’t intended to hurt me – or if it was, why? And ideally that they’ve learned something about both of us, so that we know each other better, and can feel closer, as a result.
I’ve found that this approach to resolving the inevitable conflicts and misunderstanding which will happen in any relationship is a kind of alchemy that turns the manure of a mistake or a misunderstanding into fertiliser for growing greater intimacy! But all too often, the ‘S’ word is used as if it has magical qualities, and just saying it will make everything alright. The reality is it takes effort to understand another person’s feelings, and if I’m sincere about wanting to avoid hurting them, and for things between us to be properly repaired if I have, I need to understand why they’ve reacted the way they did; and what they think I’ve said or done ‘wrong’.
After they’ve explained – if I don’t really ‘get’ it, I can either ask for clarification or admit that I can’t empathise with or understand what they’re saying. This may be a clue that our relationship is at risk of ending, but it’s much better to be honest with each other and see what (and who!) needs to change for it to carry on (and whether that’s possible) than to try and say ‘the right thing’ and carry on pretending everything is alright. That will always end in tears because buried feelings turn into stones that weigh us down and slowly but surely stick to each other to create a wall of separation, or else float to the surface when you least expect it – like a turd in a swimming pool!
It’s possible that I can be upset because of an overreaction to, or misinterpretation of something my partner’s said or done – probably due to some unhealed pain of mine from the past. The deeper truth here is that we’re all ultimately responsible for how we respond to each other. Sharing deep feelings is a chance for us to know each other’s true feelings and intentions, and that way I can see whether my own “stuff” has got in the way, and if it did, what I need to understand better and change about myself.
The key truth is that in most conflicts there isn’t a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong’ person; there are two people with different ways of seeing and reacting to the world and to each other. The path to reconciliation and intimacy is for both to be willing to put the time into hearing and understanding the other person’s take on things, and then seeing if their different viewpoints can be sufficiently reconciled for them to have a healthy and mutually accepting relationship. If not, it’s better for both to move on rather than end up being ‘entangled’ because of a fear of change. ‘Settling’ for a relationship that falls short on basic mutual understanding and respect is a real waste of the precious gift of time we’ve all been given on this planet. And no amount of “Sorry’s” can ever make up for that!
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