In my never-ending quest to remind people to see the humanity in others, I routinely expose myself to a variety of media outlets and influencers. Rather than limit myself to a self-constructed ideological echo chamber, I push myself to remain open to the thoughts and experiences of others.
Listening deeply to someone with different beliefs can often be a struggle, depending on how much we differ in our ideological roots. This is why using the hero’s journey as a framework for life is so important, because it reminds us that change only occurs when we go beyond the safe confines of our normal, day-to-day existence. Very often, the wild frontier is the mind of another person.
The SEAL and I
I recently entered the mental territory of writer, speaker, and retired SEAL John “Jocko” Willink. My encounter began when I googled “toxic masculinity” in the aftermath of the infamous Gillette ad. I was doing some prep work for a panel episode of Andy Grant’s excellent Real Men Feel show. One of the top results was a Fox News opinion piece by Willink.
That’s right, Fox News. I must admit, in the past I would have avoided such a link like the plague. However, I now know I must walk the walk if I want to continue talking the talk of open-mindedness. That means my first instinct toward other human beings must be to seek common ground first. I must practice the habit of setting a good example for tolerance and civil discourse.
I’m so glad I pushed past my knee-jerk reaction, because I did indeed find some common ground. In his article, Willink rejected the American Psychological Association’s recent “Guidelines for the Psychological Practice with Men and Boys” report, which broadly identified traits such as “stoicism, competitiveness, dominance and aggression” as having potentially harmful effects for men.
I found myself agreeing with Willink as he approached this topic with nuance. Though he generally disagreed with the report’s intent, he did acknowledge that men should “strive for balance.” I couldn’t agree more.
All Things in Moderation
Willink and I agree on the matter of avoiding extremes. It seems our current society in the US swings like an out-of-control pendulum. We have a growing culture of fear and mistrust reinforced by political brinkmanship and media-induced chronic stress. When it comes to men, many of us are falling for limiting ideologies based on pseudoscience and cynicism that drive us to paranoid, ultraconservative worldviews.
Yes, stoicism, competitiveness, dominance, and aggression do have a place in a man’s life. To take it a step further, they also have a place in women’s lives as well. We need to stop thinking that emotions or motivations are exclusive to one sex or the other.
Yes, there are times when you need to rein in your emotions and consider circumstances with your rational mind. But, as Willink states, “if you turn your emotions off completely and become overly stoic, you will not be able to connect with anyone…you will lack the positive emotions that make life worth living.” Again, this ability is not exclusive to men.
Yes, there is such a thing as healthy competition; striving against competitors can be a beneficial drive toward success. But, as Willink points out, “if you are too competitive…you will obsess over winning and drive yourself crazy. A loss will crush you.”
You may ask, “what about domination and aggression? Aren’t they always negative?” Maybe if you’re trying to dominate someone else just for the sake of domination, wielding sadistic power over them. But to work to become dominant in a skill to differentiate yourself from the competition is another thing entirely.
Similarly, you can be aggressive in terms of your unwillingness to give up on a goal. A more positive way to refer to this trait may be grit, which involves using various behavioral resilience techniques to persevere. Still, to rise above adversity, a bit of aggression can help us keep going when we feel like quitting. But being overly aggressive can cause you to harm others and yourself in terms of physical and mental well-being.
Everything is Not a Nail
Ultimately, the traits Willink discusses in his article—as well as the rest of the diverse mental and emotional toolbox we can all access as human beings—are best used in moderation. However, if you fixate on the use of one tool to the exclusion of all others, that is a recipe for disaster.
As the old saying goes, if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. We all know life is not that simple. Don’t depend on one emotion or behavior to get you through life. Don’t blindly bang around your world like a blunt instrument. Take time to diversify your toolbox, and learn to use your internal resources sparingly. This is how you can build an engaged, purposeful life.
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