—
To say that the U.S. has an epidemic of suicide amongst men between the ages of 15 and 24 years or over age 60 is to state the obvious. The reasons for this are subject to speculation and there is no consensus about the explanation. Approaches to suicide prevention reflect this lack of understanding of the causes and so are overall a shotgun approach. (Women are about as likely as men to attempt suicide, but the “success” rate among men is much higher).
I have struggled with suicide on and off for most of my adult life and have managed, sometimes, barely managed, to stop myself from following through. For me, suicidal ideation is part of a long-standing bout with depression. In the late 1990s, I went through a course of biofeedback therapy combined with psychotherapy, and since then with low maintenance doses of an SSRI, I’ve seen great improvement. Still, from time to time and circumstance to circumstance, what Churchill called “the black dog” settles in and with it, thoughts of suicide.
As I’ve observed my own process, what has kept me alive is connection. Not only the immediate connection of reaching out to my wife and close friends and communicating how I’m feeling, but also a sense of responsibility to/for others in my life – my children, my grandchildren, my brothers in the ManKind Project, and my business partners. First and foremost is consideration for the loss they would feel – right along with feeling that they would be better off without me is empathy for the suffering I felt when my son died (a death that was, at least, indirectly a suicide). Why would I put them through that – I feel it would be selfish in the extreme, and I back away from the edge.
All of the approaches to suicide prevention that I’ve studied (and practiced when I was a Psychologist in clinical practice) emphasize reaching out to connect with someone you suspect of entertaining suicide as an option. This is scary for most people – what if we say the wrong thing, or worse yet we say something that triggers the person and they go through with it? Those fears are understandable, but consider this: if human connection is a powerful antidote to suicidal thinking, and without it the odds of a suicide attempt increase, what is the risk? The important thing is to remember that the purpose of your outreach is simply connection – you’re not there to be a therapist or to process the person – you’re there mostly to listen.
Listening is not a passive activity – listening with empathy and compassion includes asking questions, expressing empathy, really connecting. QPR Institute is an outstanding resource for suicide prevention – QPR stands for QUESTION, PERSUADE, and REFER. Listening includes questioning about suicidal thoughts and feelings and opening a conversation that can lead to a referral for help.
Persuasion is not really very difficult – it’s not necessarily persuading the person not to commit suicide; it’s persuading them to wait and seek help. If they’re talking to you, they’re at least a little shaky in their resolve, and so persuade them in baby steps if you need to – I once spoke to a man daily for a month and all I asked him to do each time was to stay alive till we talked again. When I was in clinical practice I asked every patient in their intake session to agree not to harm themselves or others while they were in therapy and let them know they could talk to me any time if they needed to. The other part of persuasion is to get them to get rid of the means to commit suicide – give up weapons, drugs, knives, razor blades or whatever.
Finally, refer them – to a suicide hotline (e.g., 1-800-273-TALK), a therapist, an emergency room anywhere they can talk to a professional who can help them work through their issues.
The worst thing you can do is to do nothing. Don’t ignore your “spidey-sense” about suicide – it will not hurt to question someone who is not suicidal, but not to question someone who is can lead to tragic results.
—
◊♦◊
Talk to you soon.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Photo: Shutterstock