When it comes to dividing chores before company arrives, Randy Strauss thinks “honey do” lists are the pits.
A friend recently posted the following to her Facebook status:
“Reason #314 Why I love my fiance … he loads all the Costco groceries in the car while I get to sit in the car and stay dry.”
My response was, “I guess we men need to seek appreciation before marriage because I’ve been doing that shit for well over seven years without so much as a thank you.”
It was an off-hand comment and I was going for the funny, but it got me thinking about how things have progressed in my marriage.
When we were dating, I overheard a few of the things she told her friends about me and I was aware the things I did were “sweet” and “thoughtful.” If something needed to be done, she asked with a please and thanked me for doing it. If I sent flowers for no particular reason, she overwhelmed me with gratitude. If I got her a thoughtful gift for her birthday, it was the most amazing thing she’d ever received. If I had the day off and cleaned her apartment, I was the most thoughtful guy on the planet. If I remembered to feed her cat before heading off to work, I was kind and responsible.
I don’t remember becoming a lazy, irresponsible slug but it most certainly happened. Most weekend mornings, sometimes before I’ve opened my eyes, I get my marching orders for the day.
It goes something like this, “My parents will be here at two o’clock. You need to dust and vacuum the house, clean the bathrooms, put out clean towels, run to the store to pick up milk and dessert, mow the lawn and clean the patio. Make sure the grill is ready so you can start cooking the steaks right after they get here. Take the laundry basket downstairs. And, while you’re down there, you might as well put the laundry up. Oh, and I need to jump in the shower, so get breakfast ready for the baby.”
I know my wife doesn’t just have “company.” From a girlfriend stopping by for a few hours on her way through town to having her parents over for dinner before they attend a show, any day that we have guests is an event. She takes out all the stops and prepares enough food that we wouldn’t run out if the 82nd Airborne happened to drop in. Each dish is well thought out in advance and I’m usually fetching ingredients and small appliances from the pantry while she chops, mixes and bakes the kitchen into exhaustion.
Holidays require a different level of preparation that should be addressed in another article. Look for it here on July fifth.
I’ve become accustomed to these orders instead of requests. I’m really just doing my share of the work. However, now that I’ve been told to do so it is no longer of my own volition. My resentment resides in the assumption that if I weren’t told to do it, it wouldn’t get done. My frustration lies in those times when she’s so fraught with making things perfect that she’s afraid I’ll mess it up.
I wonder when I went from a kind, sweet, responsible, thoughtful and caring boyfriend to an irresponsible, lazy slug of a husband who wouldn’t lift a finger until he’s told to do as much.
A please and a thank you would be nice, but unnecessary. At the end of the day, I would rather she assumed that I know what needs to be done and relied on me to take care of it rather than being given a list of tasks as if I’m a bumbling fool that can’t put his pants on without direction.
Sometimes I just want to put a gentle finger to her lips and say, “Baby, please relax. I got this.” …and have her relax in knowing that I do.
Read more in Advice & Confessions.
Image credit: joyosity/Flickr
Welcome Namesake,
I feel your pain. I also appreciate your Zen mindset. It appears we are kindred spirits.
I’ve let it go for so long that I don’t know what to do. I probably wouldn’t have written this article were it not for my three year old daughter. I could have gone for years without a grimace.
I don’t want my little girl growing up thinking that it’s ok to beat up dad verbally. And I don’t want her to treat her husband that way. Providing he gets past the shotgun…
Rand
Google alerted me to your blog- something about your name… My wife orders as well, and sometimes scolds. It hurt and the resentment and pain was ruining my life. Then I realized it takes effort to carry around resentments, and let them go. Then I got to the bottom of why it caused pain. The big lesson was that her orders and insecurity that things won’t be done right/well/on-time had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. It isn’t a trust issue, it’s just a behavior. If she’s not around, I’ll have people over. When she’s… Read more »
Randy, I think both of you have valid points. Some women (and men) want the physical and emotional intimacy that comes with having a partner, but don’t want to change their priorities or are unwilling to make a decision about what they value. I see this behavior, particularly in women today. You communicated that you wanted a long-term committed relationship and were willing to put the effort into it. Sounds like you place a high value on exclusive, respectful, long-term relationships. I can respect that and you’re not afraid to communicate it to women and to us. These type of… Read more »
Goodguys2greatmen, While I agree with you in principle and also think that intimacy can be a wonderful spiritual experience, I think some of what you say is bullhockey. All women are the same and yet different in their needs and desires. Consider the Cougar syndrome. They’re established in their financial security, confident in their social circles and don’t need a man puttering around the house. They want the intimacy and sexual fulfillment that comes with a regular partner but don’t have the time or want to be bothered with maintaining a close relationship. I know. I was involved with one,… Read more »
I’m so impressed with Joan’s perspective and advice. It’s obvious you deeply understand your power to lead with your femininity and when he needs it. This is what I call the perspective of “A Great Woman”. The requirement for male leadership from their masculine core is just as important. I coach men through the process of understanding this. If a man is unwilling to lead in some of the “departments”, his wife is left no choice but to lead him. We work hard on what “leadership” means for a man. Maybe Joan can give her list of “departments” in which… Read more »
goodguys2greatmen, that’s quite a compliment, thank you. To respond to your question about which ‘departments’, I’ll use your words but with a slight paradigm shift and maybe that will answer it. Your original statement: “Leadership means owning the responsibility for areas in the relationship where she really prefers that you to “go first”.” My perspective: Leadership means owning the responsibility for areas in the relationship where you WILL “go first”. I can’t expect a man to lead in areas where I tell him to lead or society tells him to lead. But I need to respect the areas he does… Read more »
It does make sense. However, how do you respond to a common problem in the area of intimacy. Most women I have talked to “prefer” that their man be a confident and strong leader when it comes to romance and sex. Yes, these women CAN lead that, but are less satisfied that they must always lead this “department”. To run the risk of “generalization”, I believe this is true for the huge majority of women. A man who doesn’t accept that responsibility has no room for complaining about lack of intimacy – but most do. I can talk more in… Read more »
Physical intimacy and sex is a huge topic and we have rules, roles, fears, desires, and hang-ups…yikes. I’m surprised we’ve managed to procreate as a human race. It’s more simple and natural then we make it. It’s when we respect each other and focus on each other’s well-being, then sex and affection is open, warm, and loving. It doesn’t matter who leads on what day. I don’t respect a man more or less, because he initiates or doesn’t initiate. I see it as a comfort level, if a woman is open and responsive inside and outside the bedroom, a man… Read more »
goodguys2greatmen, I’m going to add this, I’m not sure how you teach men to step up their leadership in the departments of “romance”, “good feelings”, “fun”, “financial planning”, and “sex.” You’re right, those are excellent areas for all of us to improve but it’s not only men’s responsibility, women add this stuff too. I’d suggest Randy put it in his master plan, so it becomes a mutual goal. For example, Randy says to his wife “Honey, I think we need add more fun or play to our marriage, lets start thinking about some ideas in the next couple weeks.” (and… Read more »
Absolutely…women have every bit as much responsibility for leading and accepting leadership as men do. But I’m not a women’s coach, though, you would make a great one. The men I work with are typically in a tough situation where their wives are detached, disrespectful, “bossy”, or otherwise emotionally disinterested. I teach men how to step up their leadership by taking their minds off the goal of changing their wives and focus on changing themselves. Women are not off the hook for improving, but HE is off the hook for trying to force her to change. They must get clarity… Read more »
First, I’d like to say thank you for the correction girlfriend-guidance, I knew you guys would have a better male perspective. I can see a male perspective, but I will never totally ‘think’ like a male. This is why I seek to understand men, not try to be a man. RESISTANCE- this is what I refrained from adding before, but women may resist and challenge a man’s direction with “…but honey you don’t know how bad I have it or but what about this and about that…but, but but…” and she will buck until she knows, Randy’s the Alpha and… Read more »
Oh, and Karyl, admit it…it’s all about number 9.
Karyl, your comment was general so I didn’t take it personally. I was mildly offended but not to the point where I would dismiss everything else you said. It doesn’t really matter if it’s compressed into one tirade or spread out over a couple hours. The thing that bothers me is that, while she is probably just going through the tasks in her head and barking them out when they come to her, she doesn’t trust me to get things done. I’m going to try Joan’s suggestion to head her off at the pass (cowboy reference ) and take… Read more »
Randy, I apologize for calling you that name. That was wrong of me. Thank you for your honesty and revealing you had compressed your wife’s demands into one tirade. That made a big difference (although I still think she should have asked nicely each time instead of issuing demands).
I still think it’s possible you two have some resentment issues that if swept under the rug could lead to genuine unhappiness. I wish you the best.
Joan,
Thanks, as well, for your comments.
While I haven’t heard her say it in a while, my wife is a self-described Alpha Female. She announced this to a group of her girlfriends at, oddly enough, a barbecue one evening and several of them responded by saying things like, “Oh yeah…me, too!”
Regards,
Randy
Randy, we love your article. I figured these comments are a collection of thoughts over time. I know Karyl and I and a lot of women on this site are sick and tired of husband-bashers in our western world–not necessarily your wife, but there’s enough of them. The mere fact that we all know what a Honey-Do List is, tells us it’s pretty common today…which gets my undies in a bundle. We keep talking about the state of marriage and men and what makes a ‘good ‘man and a ‘good’ marriage, etc, but we can’t have a public forum about… Read more »
Dear Joan, There is one part of the article I assumed was a giant exaggeration and thought was rhetorical and designed to make the reader sympathetic to the writer. Here it is: “It goes something like this, “My parents will be here at two o’clock. You need to dust and vacuum the house, clean the bathrooms, put out clean towels, run to the store to pick up milk and dessert, mow the lawn and clean the patio. Make sure the grill is ready so you can start cooking the steaks right after they get here. Take the laundry basket downstairs.… Read more »
Karyl, I apologize for getting my undies in a bundle, but thank goodness there are women like you that understand the whooped-man syndrome. I’m hoping Randy is using writer’s license to exaggerate the themes. These women exist. I’ll share a story. I was at a barbeque several years ago with about 10 married couples, one of which was our supervisor and his wife. The topic of sex came up and she went into a dissertation about how terrible sex is, right in front of him and his colleagues. Then she proceeded to tell everyone how she is the Commander and… Read more »
Karyl,
Thanks for your candid responses.
The only way in which I exaggerated her marching orders was to compress time. That whole paragraph did not come out of her mouth all in one shot. It was uttered over the course of the morning in preparation for her parents arrival.
I took mild offense at your pu**y whipped comment.
Regards,
Randy
Karyl, I agree that we need to focus on the positive things we adore about our spouse. Absolutely! Sounds like Randy takes great pride in her master kitchen and hostess skills…and he’s not asking her to change that. He’s asking her to start appreciating the work he does and recoginize that maybe, just maybe, he’s grown man and can think for himself and make decisions for others…but she won’t give him a chance because she has HER marching orders created for him. Women NEED to be told some things too…like ask your husbands first, what needs to be done, instead… Read more »
Dear Randy, I think you might need to have a nice heart-to-heart with your wife. Obviously you’re a fantastic husband but you’re feeling anger and resentment about being given a Honey-Do list. 1. Lots of husbands have no clue how to help with the household chores and NEED to be told what needs doing – but not you. 2. Your wife is a perfectionist/hostess. She’s probably not going to change so the only thing you can change is your attitude about it/her. 3. If you can focus on the wonderful things about her that you love and adore, maybe you… Read more »
Thank you for your story, the military references are awesome! Randy, sounds like you’re in the man-trap…sorry bud. Some women think the honey do lists are cute, but most men are nauseated. Admit it, it is classic nagging. It is impossible for men to feel worthy, wanted, trusted, needed, respected, appreciated, or loved when told what to do and given marching orders from the wife. Let me give me a big tip to start tilting the scales away from the bossy wife syndrome. It only gets worse if you let it go…pretty soon you’ll be that poor schlep sitting outside… Read more »