How much easier would life be if people said what they meant and meant what they said?
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You know what it looks like: the school chum or colleague who suggests catching up for a coffee that never happens, the prospective romantic partner who says they’ll call but doesn’t, the acquaintance who asks how you are but doesn’t actually care to hear the answer.
What is it?
It’s insincerity.
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In 1888 the Russian physician and playwright Anton Chekhov wrote: “There should be more sincerity and heart in human relations, more silence and simplicity in our interactions. Be rude when you’re angry, laugh when something is funny, and answer when you’re asked.”
Words have much more power than we realize. Expectations are often shaped by what people say to us. When a person’s actions don’t match their words, real problems arise and we start to question their sincerity.
I’m someone who holds sincerity very dear; I would rather be told that my company is no longer wanted than to be ignored. Why? Because being ignored or being fed platitudes makes me feel like I don’t matter.
I try and be upfront about this with people; after all, it’s my responsibility to be honest about what I need from others. But even this doesn’t always work, which makes it even more hurtful when I am left to interpret the difference between someone’s words and their actions in my own way, without the benefit of hearing how they really feel towards me. Being trusted with the truth means that a person at least acknowledges me (even if they may not like me) and there is no room for confusion.
Perhaps not everyone feels this way, and I’m not advocating for unleashing one’s innermost vitriol upon others, but I think we underestimate how important sincerity is.
Maybe that’s because we currently live in a world that perpetuates insincerity in a myriad of ways.
Good communication is based on a message being delivered as well as received.
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I’ll never forget that scene in the film He’s Just Not That Into You (I confess I’ve not read the book) where the guy and the girl swap numbers (he initiates) but his contradictory words mean there is confusion about who will call who. When the girl tries to clarify he fobs her off. She tries again with the same result. The premise of the scene (and the entire film) is that she should learn to interpret such non-committal responses as the guy just not being into her.
I hope that I’m not the only one who has stopped to ask themselves why she has to learn to interpret such confusing and misleading behavior in the first place? After all, why did he ask for her number in if he never had the intention of calling?
It’s not just men who do it. I know women who give out their number but when the guy calls she just ignores him.
When did this become okay? And why do people do it?
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Essentially, people are insincere because it’s the easier option. Confrontations and rejections can be difficult no matter which side you’re on, but this shouldn’t absolve us from being honest. Good communication is based on a message being delivered as well as received. You can’t expect someone to receive the message you want them to when you’re telling them something different.
Insincerity breeds insincerity. This is why it’s become socially acceptable to say to someone, “Let’s catch up” or, “I’ll call you,” when both know there will be no follow through.
But the opposite is also true, too. A little sincerity goes a long way in encouraging others to practice it in their relationships. It’s all about breaking the habit of taking the easy way out. Maybe this starts with the small step of telling yourself that it’s okay to be honest.
It’s perfectly okay to say, “No, thanks” when someone asks for your number. It’s perfectly okay to let someone down gently if you’ve had a change of heart about your relationship (either romantic or platonic). It’s perfectly okay to meet someone in the street and not offer to catch up as a way of filling the silence or ending the conversation.
The truth is, you save everyone a lot of confusion and discomfort by being sincere in these simple ways from the beginning; because sooner or later someone is going to call you on what you say—that empty offer to babysit you made to the neighbor means you just might find yourself being asked to watch the kids—but the real reason to be sincere is simple: no one likes to feel deceived or unimportant.
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Photo: Search Engine People Blog/Flickr
Another great article….I think that people who are insincere generally do so because they lack integrity, and the irony is that the very same people who lie – for no reason other than to manipulate others, would be very upset if the same were done to them. Life would be so much simpler if people would do unto others as they want others to do unto them….sounds simple, but I think it would be extremely effective and would minimize the trail of hurt people/feelings that are left behind due to your selfish dishonesty.
Hi Melita Is this your ideal: ✺”In 1888 the Russian physician and playwright Anton Chekhov wrote: “There should be more sincerity and heart in human relations, more silence and simplicity in our interactions. Be rude when you’re angry, laugh when something is funny, and answer when you’re asked.”✺ I prefer people that is not rude to me. Grumpy, rude persons scare me. Persons that alway say what they think no matter how they hurt others is a deal breaker for me. Sometimes we must keep our thoughts to ourselves out of love to others. Be emotionally honest with others and… Read more »
Iben, thank you for your comments. I debated not using that quote from Anton Chekhov for this very reason – the word ‘rude’ did not sit well with me either. As I say, my article was not an invitation or a licence to unleash hatred and rudeness on others. I prefer to substitute that word ‘rude’ with ‘honest’ but I decided to keep the quote in its entirety because it advocated for being *authentic* which is the whole point of my article. Anger is a healthy and valid emotion provided it is expressed in appropriate ways, at the appropriate times… Read more »
Valter, you are absolutely correct. Time and again (though I appreciate we all have different motivators and boundaries) I make the ‘usual error’ and this alone makes me naive. It’s something I’d like to explore more through my writing. It can be difficult to temper one’s ideals with the realities of the world and the people in it—control is an illusion and so all one can do is speak one’s truth…which is an act of sincerity in itself. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
-MC
I love sincerity as much as the author does. Yet, not everybody feels the same! It seems to me the author’s position is naive, or maybe she fell for “the usual error” (assuming people are like you – there’s even a book with that name). To accept sincerity and honest reply, you have to be an “adult”. And “adultness” has nothing to do with age, but eveything to do with your inner strength and ability to cope with reality: an adult is able to take care of him/herself. If you’re not “adult” enough (i.e., you’re fragile and hypersensitive and fearful),… Read more »
WRT the reference to ” He’s Just Not That Into You”.
I just recently was prompted by a woman to receive a note with her phone number, even as I repeatedly made it clear that I wasn’t particularily interested in it.
And later on trying it only to find out that she had given me a fake number anyway…!
How twisted is that? Or is it some kind of power game to get the last laugh that I have missed out on?
Stand your ground next time and tell the person “No. I’m sorry, but no.”. Walk away if necessary. You should never have to say “no” twice to anyone. Yes, it was indeed a game. The only way to win at “game” is not to play.
Yup. This is why I enjoyed watching The Invention of Lying.
well melita , this is a great article .we are very proud of you! I am very sincere in saying we should catch up. I will inbox you with a plan I have to make it a reality
love mum
Sincerity is a little like humor – where timing is everything.
Hi Melita,
A great article i am very proud of you and what you said is very true.
thanks
Dad
ps Mum will read it later when she comes in.
Another great article on The Good Men Project. I think one of the reasons we see a lot of insincerity in the US at least is because we are not very comfortable with our emotions and feelings. We shy away from them and denigrate the effects they have on us, as if being present with and truly feeling our emotions was bad!? If you can’t accept and really feel your own emotions you can’t be comfortable sharing them with others. Rejection does not have to be synonymous with confrontation. Confrontation to me suggests anger and being upset or mad. Anger… Read more »
Insincerity is cultural. Go to the Netherlands; the people there are extremely robust.