Let’s face it: people-pleasing can be exhausting.
Occasionally, we are not even aware that we are doing it, but the consequences remain the same — disconnect from self and attaching self-worth to external validation.
I believe that awareness is a keystone of healthy transformation. Hence, recognising when we are people-pleasing can aid us in making the transformation possible.
Below I have listed some examples of what people-pleasing can look like:
- Evading conflict.
- Silencing negative emotions.
- Never saying “no” (even if you want to).
- Be dreadful of rejection or abandonment.
- Apologising for things you do not need to.
- Seeking external admiration or validation.
- Acting as though you agree with everyone.
- Tailoring your behaviour to those around you.
- Having difficulties setting healthy boundaries.
- Feeling like you are “not worthy” or lack value.
- Spending every little time checking in with how you feel.
- Internalising negative feedback and external criticisms of you.
- Taking responsibility for other people’s emotions or behaviours.
- Feeling overwhelmed or burdened by the things you have agreed to do.
Difficult, but Not Impossible to Stop
Truth be told, stopping people-pleasing behaviours is more complicated than it sounds.
Studies have shown that it is difficult to disagree with others because it elevates your cognitive dissonance, a distortion between your values and the actions you want to take.
Nevertheless, here are eleven strategies that may help you stop being a people-pleaser, accept yourself, and become a much happier human being:
- Practice daily self-acceptance.
- Spot out the fears that fuel your actions.
- Give yourself validation (even with the tiniest of things).
- Often check in with yourself and only act in ways that feel genuine.
- Establish realistic expectations (e.g. not everyone will view you highly).
- Pinpoint the fundamental beliefs that propel you towards people-pleasing.
- Remind yourself that you have intrinsic self-worth (independent of others).
- Ask yourself, “will this action respect my relationship with my true identity?”
- Invest in discovering your identity (it can develop self-esteem and confidence).
- Take all the time you need to recover from wounds brought on by past relationships.
- Recognise that intimate relationships are built on authentic connection, not pretences or excessive accommodations.
Final Thoughts
People-pleasing behaviour might leave you feeling burdened or worn out from taking care of everyone’s needs but your own.
If being a people-pleaser makes it challenging to pursue your happiness, it is imperative to explore ways to set healthy boundaries and take back your time.
Finally, understand that you cannot please everyone at the end of the day. However, those who truly love you will be glad that you are doing your mental health a healthy favour.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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