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When I was 17, my English teacher handed me a copy of Richard Yates’ short story collection, Eleven Kinds of Loneliness.
I quickly found myself immersed in these stories and oblivious to the teenage angst that had otherwise consumed me. Ironically, reading Eleven Kinds of Loneliness provided a temporary relief from my own sense of detachment from the world.
Each of Yates’ stories pulled me into the world of his forlorn characters, all of whom longed for a connection to someone who would bring them out of their endless sorrow.
What Yates’ characters needed, but did not have the skills to develop, was one good friendship.
Recently, I reread these stories and I thought the best antidote for Eleven Kinds of Loneliness was eleven kinds of friendship.
Which set me thinking about the male friendships I’ve made throughout my life. Thought lead me to creating here, the beginnings of a survival guide – ways to survive loneliness, political upheaval, loss, heartbreak, depression. Survival through a connection to a friend.
I call it, Eleven Kinds of Male Friendships.
The Childhood/High School Friendship
This friend knew you before you knew yourself. He witnessed you becoming the man you would one day be. You and he hit it off immediately – you listened to the same music; played the same sport; hated the same person. Your friendship was cemented during your school days. And while other such friendships faded, you stuck by each other through joy and sadness. To this day, you speak in code. You can utter a person’s name, quote something your PE teacher said, or recall an incident from decades ago which will send you into fits of convulsive laughter. People around you don’t get it. They stare at you. Which makes you laugh even harder. A lifetime later, you are still there for each other. You always will be.
The Out of Town Friendship
You worked together or worked out together. From the start, you felt like brothers. You got each other’s humor. Shared the same world view. Maybe you came to each other’s aid at a precarious moment. And then one of you moved, far away. But there is a permanent bridge between you that spans time and space. Your friendship feels like one continuous conversation. Whenever you see each other, you pick up right where you left off five months or five years earlier. That feeling of comfort and ease defines your bond.
The Meet for Breakfast (or dinner) Several Times a Year Friendship
You love this guy. Respect him. He’s a giver. All about family and friends. The problem is modern life is way too hectic. You live in the same city, but miles apart. He’s an early morning guy; your energy kicks in at 10 p.m. But it’s critical to share some facetime. Eventually, you make your schedules work. You always meet at the same place. It’s not about the ambience or the food. In fact, you barely notice what you’re eating. You just need to sit across from him and reconnect. He’s smart, solid, real. One of the few people you’ve ever known with whom you feel free enough to take off your mask and be yourself. You can’t ask for more than that. And you don’t.
The Carpool Friendship
It starts off strictly as a utilitarian exercise. He loves to drive; you don’t. Or he owns a car; yours got totaled. You are sandwiched in his car, forced to listen to his music and not mention his road rage. You’re with him twice a day, stuck in traffic, doing four mph. At first you seem to have little in common other than work. But in time, buckled into your seat, you begin to share information about yourself. He reciprocates. Suddenly, it feels like mini-group therapy. This was not how it was intended, but you trust and confide in him. You may never see each other outside of his car, but you have come to know and respect him. You developed a friendship that you never intended. And when you get your car back from the shop, this short, but intense friendship, may come to an end. Or it may survive.
The Sports Arena Friendship
You’ve played on the same (check one) softball, basketball, hockey, touch football, Frisbee golf team for years. Thing is, you show up to the game, warm-up, play the game, say “good-bye, see you next week.” You admire how he handles himself on the court/field/rink. You know that the way people behave on the court reflects how they behave everywhere else. So yeah, he’s a mensch. Plus, he’s got season tickets and every year he calls you once and says, “Are you free Wednesday night. We’re playing…” You accept, meet him in front of the arena. You watch the game while engaging in a non-stop, two-hour conversation. You share a bag of kettle corn and catch up on everything that matters. After the game, you say good-night and go your separate ways. It’s been a perfect night. And you’ll see him again, same time, next year. As well as back on the field.
The Ebert and Roeper Movie Friendship
You work in the same place. And oddly twice a day you find yourself in the men’s room at the same time. Once before work, once before lunch. You share, maybe 40 seconds, each time. You’re both movie fanatics. With offbeat tastes. Foreign films with subtitles. Anything with Nazis or lesbians. It’s the same conversation every time. “What are you going to see this weekend?” Or “What did you see last weekend?” You deliver mini-reviews while drying your hands. Or you give the film a thumbs up or a thumbs down. This is the sole extent of your friendship, and yet it’s informative, important and enough.
The Mentor-Mentee Friendship
You didn’t see this coming because you still think of yourself as a kid. But you’re not. You’re an adult, for god sakes. You mentored him. Saw this youngster’s potential. Saw that he needed advice and a free meal. You’ve helped him mature. Talked sense to him. He looks up to you. Which is why when he’s confronted with an issue – at work, in romance, or where to go from here, he calls on you. He wants to sit and talk. You always agree. You listen. Which is probably what he wants most. An approving father figure. You hang with him. You congratulate him on his success, but refrain from judging or criticizing too harshly. He needs to know you’re there for him. You are.
The Mutually Beneficial Career Friendship
The key here is that you really do like and admire each other, which makes it so much more than just a business relationship. Which is how it started. But you quickly discover that you have just as much in common away from work than you do on the job. Which is why this friendship is so satisfying. No matter where you are, no matter what you’re discussing, at some point work blends into friendship and friendship connects to work. Any way you cut it, it’s a rarity, a win-win.
The Mancave Friendship
Sure, the country’s going to hell. You can barely watch ten minutes of news without wanting to fire several rounds into your flat screen TV. You feel as if you wake up every morning in a strange country where you don’t belong. And you don’t know how long this waking nightmare will persist. But, my god, you have sports! And a friend with a mancave. He’s got a sixty-inch screen and Direct TV with 8,000 channels and he knows how to navigate from one station to the next. And he’s brilliant at it. As soon as there’s an injured player on the field or the end of an inning, he, with his deft touch, switches over to kickboxing, or to Australian rugby, or if it’s a slow sports night, curling. His bar is always stocked; there are bowls of M&Ms, mixed nuts, and Skittles on the end tables. The pizza is being delivered and the brownies are in the oven. You and your Mancave Host kickback in the recliners he bought for a grand each when an upscale movie house went bust. You and your Mancave Host forget the troubles of the world and watch young men in helmets try to decapitate one another. And when it’s all over, you relive the evening’s golden moments on Sports Center. It doesn’t get much better than this.
The Alumnus Friendship
You attended college, graduated, then promptly lost touch with all your classmates. Years later in another part of the country, you’re attending a lecture and you look over and spot a college classmate from that weekly, three-hour seminar for the five people on campus who were taking a master class in mime. You motion to your long-lost classmate. Afterwards you exchange contact info and since then you’ve met several times a year for coffee and catching up. Interestingly, you form a friendship that is stronger than the relationship you enjoyed in your undergraduate days. And there is something about this newfound friendship that reconnects you to that time when you were deciding which path to follow. You and your fellow alumnus went on wildly divergent journeys, but you ended up in the same place and your newfound friendship restores a bit of your youth. And a perspective on your life.
The Hoops Followed by Lunch Friendship
Okay, not everyone has a basketball buddy. But it’s unhealthy to just sit, watch and talk sports. You need to participate. If only to keep the weight off. Thus, the sports friendship is critical. The beauty of the sports friendship is that it’s good for both body and soul. You’re burning calories while sharing an athletic experience with a friend. Plus, while you’re shooting hoops, or bench pressing 300, or picking up the 3-10 split, in your minds, you’re representing America in the Olympic Games. A billion viewers in over 150 countries are watching your every move. If you win, you will become a household name. You might even score that Wheaties box endorsement you’ve always crave. Afterwards, you drive to your favorite post-game dive where you share French fries and relive the awesome plays you made minutes earlier. How is it possible, you both wonder silently, that we are still gods?
My guess is that I’m just scratching the surface of male friendships. I’m planning on the sequel, Eleven More Kinds of Male Friendships, and welcome your addition to this list in the comments section.
Many thanks.
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Photo Credit: Getty Images
The most prominent form of friendship in Richard Yates’s work is the combat veteran friendship: think Shep Cambell in REVOLUTIONARY ROAD. That may overlap with the Mentor/Mentee.
DeWitt, you are absolutely right. I started with my personal friendships. My dad and father-ini-law served in WWII and I know from their many stories the power of their friendships in the military. Thanks for writing.