There’s nothing wrong with making a list of things you don’t want…unless it’s paralyzing you from doing anything you do want.
This is exactly what happens when we become obsessed with what we’re not getting instead of learning how to create what we really want. Sometimes it’s easier to endlessly whine about something than to try anything new.
I know. I did it for years.
I found out that complaining and arguing about all the things I didn’t want was a convenient distraction from learning how to get what I did want.
Maybe it wasn’t all about convenience.
I actually knew of no other alternative
What Husband’s Don’t Want
Here a list of things I hear all the time from men I work with. I remember this list well.
- No matter what, I don’t want a divorce.
- I don’t want my kids to be a victim of divorce and split time between two parents.
- I don’t want to be just “roommates” anymore.
- I don’t want the roller coaster of emotions anymore.
- I don’t want to keep feeling unappreciated, belittled and emasculated.
- I don’t want to fight and argue with her anymore.
- I don’t want to have an affair or push her into one.
- I don’t want to be ignored any longer.
- I don’t want another year like the last one!
Fairly reasonable don’t you think?
Who wouldn’t want those things? Seems it should be a simple matter of stating these out loud and then everything will get better.
Yeah. It doesn’t work that way.
The only way your life will change is if something new comes into it or something new comes out of you.
Waiting for change doesn’t work. Waiting for your “don’t want” list to get shorter doesn’t work.
And hoping for your wife/girlfriend to someday figure all this out and make you happy definitely doesn’t work.
What Does Work
What works is to make a decision to start pursuing what you do want.
I know, this seems obvious but it’s not.
How does a man actively pursue what he wants when it appears his wife/girlfriend holds all the cards?
He can’t…if that is what he believes. If he chooses to believe that his partner (or anyone else for that matter) holds all the cards in his life he is screwed.
Screwed forever with no hope of getting what he wants.
Let me explain.
Let’s say what you want looks something like this.
- I want my marriage to be a relationship with a partner who shares my values for trust, respect and honesty.
- I want my relationship to have a foundation of mutual admiration and support of each other’s dreams.
- I want to feel like we’re a team and have each other’s back instead of trying to catch each other doing something wrong.
- I want my relationship to be playful, fun, adventurous, flirtatious and full of intimacy and passion for each other.
- I want to have more affection, appreciation and acceptance without having to be perfect.
Not that anyone would want that stuff, but let’s use it as an example.
Read through each bullet above carefully.
Is there anything in that list that you can’t start doing more of tomorrow – with or without her cooperation?
What if you made it a personal, non-negotiable, unalterable commitment to showing up as that person no matter what she or anyone else is doing?
I know. Sounds crazy.
But the cold, hard truth is that the only men who get what they want are those who become what they want.
How to Become What You Want
The key to becoming the man you want to be is taking back all the cards you gave away.
Resume the power you’ve always had to think, speak and act exactly how you want to. You don’t need the approval or cooperation from anyone to be what you want.
If you want to be unapologetically sensual, appreciative and flirtatious then decide you shall be.
If you want to be unabashedly honest, respectful and supportive then just be that man.
If you want to argue and bicker less, then make the choice to argue and bicker less.
Nobody – not even your wife – has control of your choice to be everything you want. You can decide to unleash a whole lot of new stuff from within – stuff you’ve always had. Nobody took it away from you.
And when you decide you will no longer wait for something new to come into your life – and unleash your desire to be the man you want to be – things will change.
I guarantee it.
Something will change. That’s what you want, right?
And if you are truly adopting a whole new set of operating rules for yourself – not to manipulate her – but under your own power and accountability… she will notice.
This how you will start creating the life and marriage you want.
You no longer wait around for her. You are not 50% of a man. You are 100%.
I’d like to see you go full throttle in 2017 and not look back.
If you’re a man who wants to go full throttle this year but has one foot on the brake, I wrote a free ebook for you. Learn about the brake you need to release in The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage. Click HERE to get it.
Photo: Eugene Kukulka/Flickr